A slip of the tongue

I was so excited when I picked up the kids from school today. I couldn't wait to share with them that Ash had learned to clap her hands again. I knew they would be so happy for her, but a slip of the tongue stole the moment I had been waiting to share with them. I wish I had been more careful with my words, but before I realized it they were out and the look on their faces told me how shocking the news was for them.

As the kids jumped into the car I said, "Ashley clapped her hands today for the first time since her heart attack!" That was it. I had no idea that what I said would catch them so off gaurd. I heard Blake say in a tone of voice that caused me to look at him in the mirror,"WHAT HEART ATTACK?" The look on his face was one I hope I don't see again. He wasn't angry, but very, very shocked and irritated that he had never been told about this. The concern and fear in his eyes was horrible and I tried to ease his mind. I shared with them in a very light hearted voice the events that took place in January and then tried to quickly turn the conversation toward the positive and exciting part about her learning to clap again. Allie didn't seem to mind not knowing as much as Blake. She simply said, "Well she is ok. now and she can clap again so I'm happy." Blake had more of a struggle with it. I could see that my words and this new information scared him. It scared him a lot. I just continued to share with them how God had been so very good to us and that He had allowed Ash to come back from so very tough times after her transplant.

During the tougher days Dave and I struggled when deciding what to share with Blake and Al and what not to. There were so many ups and downs and their hearts were already carrying such a heavy burden. We wanted to be honest with them, but yet protect them from all of the painful details. I believe we chose not to use the words cardiac arrest, CPR, or heart attack because I felt those words would scare them. We simply told them Ash had become sick again, had gone into surgery, and was back on the ventilator, but that she was getting stronger every day. Maybe we made a mistake? Maybe we should have given more information to Blake and allowed him to know more of the details? There was just no easy way to go through all that we did, and I thought we had made the best decisions we could at the time. Tonight I am praying for my son. Praying that he will forgive us for keeping things from him. Praying that the fear I saw in his eyes never has to return. Praying that he can rest in the knowledge that God is the one in control of his baby sister's life.

This afternoon Blake spent a lot of time with Ash. Just sitting next to her on the floor. Letting her grab his face over and over again. Playing, talking, and enjoying time with her. He eventually laid next to her on her palet and watched one of her movies with her. He just needed time to be close to her and I stayed back and allowed him to love on her. I watched from a distance. Close enough to enjoy her giggles, the look of love in his eyes, and the joy on her face. God was good to me today and gave me those moments to cherish and to make a memory of. It came about in a tough way, but it ended in a precious one.

Ashley's future is unsure. I have no idea if the cancer will be gone and she will be in remission at the end of chemotherapy. I have no idea it she will stay out of rejection. I have no idea if she will stay away from serious infection or virus that may cause us to lose her. The only thing I know is that every moment, every minute, every day, every experience is a gift that we will cherish and the rest is in His hands. I wish I could promise my Blake and Allie that their sister will always be here to grow up with us, but I can't. I wish He would promise me that all three of my children would be here with me forever, but He doesn't. I am just living every day as if it might be our last so that I don't waste any of it. I pray we have done the right things, made the right decisions, and given all three of them the right foundation with which to build their futures on.