Gaining Perspective

I find myself searching for a lot of things this week. Searching for answers, for reasons, for explanations. This morning as I woke I realized that all of that searching is not going to do any good. Even if I find those things it will not change where we are today. I woke with positive feelings again this morning. It seems that each day I start fresh with hope and an expectation that all of this could turn around and we could be headed home soon.

As I search for the meaning or the purpose behind this set of circumstances I am gaining perspective. Today I will concentrate on all of the good that surrounds me and I will be thankful for all that has been given. The first thing that comes to mind is this; Ashley Kate has organs. A year ago today she did not. She was slipping away from us a little more each day and we were powerless to stop it. Tomorrow we will not celebrate her 1 year anniversary in the way that I had hoped we would. The plans that we had made for the balloons, the cake, the pictures will not take place, but we will still remember. We will remember what a gift she was given. We will remember the precious family who will grieve the loss of their child on that 1 year anniversary. We will remember to be grateful. We will remember not to take one moment of her life for granted.

The results of the biopsies will lead us in a direction. I have no idea if that direction will be good or bad, but at least we will know. I still find myself holding out hope that this will be a short stay and that Ash and I will return home soon. If that is not the case then I hope that I will allow myself to learn, to grow, and to be used in whatever ways He has planned.

Ash struggled for most of the night. I went to the room and slept, but Dave tells me how heartbreaking it was to listen to her struggle. She is very uncomfortable. Her little body is no longer little. Her abdomen is very, very distended because of the illness in her bowel and it is causing her a lot of discomfort. She is not resting well and is very fussy and sad. She will finish the third dose of steroid(I don't remember if I told you they were treating her rejection with 3 very large doses or not) and this drug causes her to feel miserable. We have also raised her FK level(the anti-rejection medicine) very, very high to try and protect the remaining bowel from further rejection. This too makes her feel miserable. Overall she aches and doesn't understand what has happened. I wish she understood. I kiss her head and hold hands as I whisper to her how much I love her, but that cannot take away her pain. We are helpless.

As soon as we know anything about the results of her biopsies we will share it with you. At this point we just wait and pray. Trish