Battling

Lots of things are running around in my head these days. This week has been a battle. An emotional battle for me. I am happy. So thrilled to be home. Some days I'm so happy it frightens me. Life for us has settled into that wonderful state of normal. I find myself sitting still and absorbing just how great it feels to have Ashley Kate home. I laugh a lot and don't cry too much. My heart feels lighter than ever on most days, and I am just so grateful to be in this place.

Then... fear and doubt and ugliness starts to creep in and I fight to keep the "what if" thoughts from taking over. Its tough. Tough to not become frightened of the daily vomiting that just doesn't seem normal to me. Tough to not wonder why in the world does she hit her little head over and over and over again. Tough to not have the ability to know for sure if her insides are working the way they need to be. These thoughts and many others flood my mind and I battle to keep them from keeping us from living each and every day to the fullest.

So much is happening. We are planning a huge birthday celebration for Allison Brooke. She will be 10 in just 3 weeks and its a really, really big deal around here. I can't wait to share the details with you all. The Tarheels 2008 season began today. I know I don't have to tell you how big a deal that is around here. Dave and I will be celebrating our 15 year anniversary in early March and we have decided to plan a family trip instead of sneaking away by ourselves. The kids are so excited and have begun counting down the days until spring break. On top of all that we are considering a potential move this spring because we are just out of room. The thought of leaving our little yellow house behind is enough to make me cry most days, but with all of Ashley Kate's equipment we find ourselves tripping through most rooms daily. All of these things are good. All of these things are blessings. All of these things are exciting to me, and then the ugly fears of what if something is going on inside of her that I can't see start to overwhelm me.

I am afraid of her becoming sick again. I am afraid that we could find ourselves missing another one of Allie's birthdays. I am afraid that we will be absent for another Tarheel season. I am afraid that no matter how special our anniversary/family trip is going to be that the possibility of her taking another turn for the worse is very, very real. I am afraid that we could pack our things, walk away from this little house that we love so much, and then Ash and I be uprooted to Omaha once again and it would have been for nothing.

You don't have to tell me how insane this all is. I know its wrong. That's why I say I feel as though I am fighting a battle. A battle not to become too happy with our life for fear of being as naive as I was before her rejection, but still not wanting this imaginary cloud of fear to steal the joy of the blessings He has given. I guess what I am saying is that with all the planning I am doing these days I am just scared that it could all disappear before it even happens. None of her days are predictable. None of them are "normal". Every cough, every sneeze, every fever, every behavior, every everything has me scrambling to figure out why and where and what to do about it. Never mind me saying this is not normal. It is normal. Its our normal.

Our God is so good. He has given us so much to be thankful for. He continues to protect our sweet baby and she is growing up despite the many obstacles she is facing. We are happy and content and blessed beyond all measure. Why in the world is something trying to steal my joy, my gratitude, my peace? I am baffled. There is turmoil inside of my heart and I am trying to figure it out. So, I realize I have been absent from her journal the past few days. Each time I sit to share something the only thing that spills out of me is all of this. Tonight I decided to just get it over with and share so that I could possibly move on to better things tomorrow. I am hoping that by allowing myself to admit this insanity that I might gain the victory over it and wake up without the guilt of feeling too happy. Without the ugliness of the what ifs stealing my peace. Without the thoughts of, "have I finally lost my mind" entering into my days.

Take care my sweet friends and good night. Trish