Worship?

Over the past 2 years I could probably count the number of times I've been in the church for worship on one hand. It seems so very foreign to me. I was raised in the church. The "every time the doors were open" kind of raising. We NEVER missed a service. That's all I knew.

Dave and I are obviously believers, and as believers we try to raise our children to know the truth of God's word as well. We had been actively involved in children's ministry from very early on in Blake's life. We believed we always would be involved in their classes and activities at the church on some level. Then a little over two years ago Ashley Kate was born and life changed.

I spent the first 6 months of Ash's life in Dallas while she was in NICU. The next 8 months we spent at home, but she was so tiny and fragile that we kept her home. Central lines, mickey buttons, feeding pumps and liver failure don't really fall within the normal Sunday morning nursery workers responsibilities. The next 6 months we lived in the PICU in Omaha. Finally in March of 2007 we moved back home, but still the "bells and whistles" that accompany Ashley Kate are a little much to expect the nursery workers to take care of. On top of all that she was actively undergoing chemotherapy and spent many of those weeks extremely nutrapenic(low blood counts making her very, very weak and susceptible to infection). Church wasn't really an option. After she completed her chemotherapy we actually took her to church and hung out in the balcony a couple of times, and then in September her small intestine went into rejection. We went back to Omaha for the next 3 months. Now that we are home I find myself sitting home with Ash each Sunday morning while Dave and the kids attend church without us. Sure we could go back to the balcony with her, BUT she's 2 now. 2 year olds aren't exactly quiet when they need to be. In fact, our 2 year old is not only noisy, but she is ornery on top of that. If we want her to play quietly on our laps I can ASSURE you this will be the time she is NOT going to. I have tried to run through different scenarios in my mind. I just can't find one that works. The nursery still isn't an option. How many 2 year olds are there that can't walk, talk, or communicate with the workers and other children? How many of them have extremely suppressed immune systems? Exposure to runny noses, coughs and sneezes is a definite "no, no" at this time. On top of those problems how in the world could we ask a nursery worker to care for her ostomy? It's not really that attractive and to those who aren't used to seeing a loop of intestine on the outside of a stomach it can be a little overwhelming. Vomiting? I don't think the other parents would appreciate walking in to pick up or drop off their child and witnessing one of Ash's vomiting episodes. She has them daily and has had for over 4 months. It's not contagious, but it is alarming to see.

I don't believe we will always find ourselves in this place. It just seems that for now this is the place we are. So what do I do about worship? I think I have learned that worship, at least for me, isn't really about the "place" of worship but its more about the "state" of worship. Since I don't attend church at this time I have tried to keep a heart of worship. Seeking to keep my heart in the right "state" so that I might worship each and every day as opposed to only on Sundays. I have learned to pray in a very different way. I find myself talking to God all throughout the day like He was really standing next to me in the kitchen or riding in the passenger seat while I go to carpool. It hasn't been easy. There are times when I feel very distant and wonder how to find my way back. Then there are times when I have felt closer to the Father than ever before. Its very different than I have ever really known. I'm not really "fed" because I'm not sitting under the preaching of His word, but I do think I'm growing. I have no idea if this is right or wrong, but its the best we can do for now so I am just trusting that its going to be o.k.

Sunday's are still a little weird for me. Even after 2+ years of not attending church it seems odd to be sitting at home.

Ash continues to struggle with this silly cold. Other than the coughing, sneezing, overloading of mucus, and headaches she is doing really well. She is learning new things each day and loves to sit and play, play, play. She is happy and full of joy as long her therapists are not around. We spent some time playing in the back yard today and as always she loved being outdoors. Her little mouth couldn't stop grinning. She clapped and clapped for Allie and I as we beat the pants off of Dave and Blake in a little game of 2 on 2(that's the story I 'm sticking to, just don't ask the guys who really won). It was a good day and I find myself ready to lay down and thank the Father for all He allowed us to enjoy on this day of worship. Life is really, really good and we are so blessed.