Baby of MIne

Ashley Kate lays in her hospital bed just like she has so many nights before. Our routine is the same. Vitals were taken, meds have been given, pjs are on and now she tries to drift off to sleep as she watches the images of her as a newborn baby in the NICU at Medical City. The images bring me to tears each and every night. Our tiny baby girl in our arms at last.

The words to the song Baby of Mine(originally off the Dumbo movie) play over and over as we both eventually drift off to sleep. She never grows tired of this. Its the same every night. When she hears the music she knows its time to rest.

Baby mine don't you cry
Baby mine dry your eyes
Rest your head close to my heart never to part
Baby of mine
Little one when you play, don't you mind what they say
Let those eyes sparkle and shine
Never a tear
Baby of mine
If they knew sweet little you
They'd end up loving you too
All those same people who scold you
What they'd give just for the right to hold you
From your head down to your toes
Your not much goodness knows
But your so precious to me
Sweet as can be
Baby of mine

She struggles tonight. The swelling of her face is now worse than I have ever seen it. I know she feels the pressure because she bangs her head with her fists and pulls out her hair. It breaks my heart to see her this way. Her eyes barely open from the weight of her fluid filled eyelids. As I softly rubbed her head I could feel the pockets of fluid across her forehead and it scared me. Knowing the blood is "stuck" there and not returning to the heart adequately is so frightening. She is pretty miserable tonight. Her blood pressure is up from all of it and she can't seem to shake the need for oxygen. Her body is far too sore for me to hold her. I tried and she growled and growled in her hoarse little voice. She pulls at her central line as her neck has swelled around it making it more uncomfortable than usual. I just pray for sleep. When she sleeps I imagine that she escapes through her dreams to happier times and places. Maybe she goes home when she closes her eyes. Perhaps she is on Blake's bed as he reads or maybe she is being carried outside on Allie's hip. She probably giggles to herself as she remembers how silly her daddy is at night when he plays with her. I wonder if she remembers the ocean? The sand? She went to the top of the mountains in Colorado last summer and looked out across the world. It was really cool that day and she was feeling pretty good. Maybe she hears the sounds of the waterfall as she and I stood on the bridge and watched Blake and Allie and Daddy climb up to it. Where ever she goes I know it must bring her happiness because I usually see a smile creep across her face. I love to watch her sleep. She is so beautiful and I love her so very much.

As difficult as it is for us to be away from home for such long periods of time I would rather be here with her than have to be somewhere without her. The good days are so close to coming back. Her respiratory failure is gone, the pneumonia has cleared, the plural effusion is under control. Now we battle against a clot. A clot that crept up just as we were seeing the light at the end of all of this. I don't know why this happened. I don't know why any of this has happened. I just have to keep reminding myself that I know the one who does. He still loves her. And me. Even though it feels as we have been abandoned I know He loves us.

The heparin has finally reached a therapeutic level and I am hoping it begins to do its job. Quickly would be my prayer. I would love to see her eyes again tomorrow. We will draw more clotting factors at eleven then perhaps she might be allowed to dream until morning comes. I sure hope some of those dreams I imagine for this baby of mine will come true. Blake's bed. Allie's hip. The beach. The mountains. It all sounds so good.

Thank you for being here today. I know the last couple have been rough and I know it shows as we attempt to share our hearts with you. Some days you just become weary and you struggle with you circumstances. Strength will come again I am sure. Love you guys. Trish