Do we or do we not...

...Believe? Now is the time to decide. Do we just think it or say it or do we really, honestly, truly, to the depths of our hearts believe in Him? This is the question Dave and I just asked each other.

Is He who He says He is? and Do I believe that?

Is He the One who holds her life in His hands? or does someone else?

Does He already know the day, the moment, the hour of her last breath?

I have to decide right here and now what I truly believe. I think I know. Never mind. I KNOW THAT I KNOW.

I cannot live a life of fear. I cannot parent Ashley Kate from a position of fear. I cannot be scared into making decisions for her. This is the time for us to step out on faith. We did it once before. Remember? I do. August 5,2005. Again on September 26, 2006. We stepped out on faith not knowing if we were equipped but willing to be used to love this child and do the very best we could for her. We stepped out on faith not knowing if she would wake up, survive, or ever breathe another breath. Again, today it is time to decide. Do we have enough faith to do what we feel is in the best interest of our child and transfer her away from this hospital and into another one? If we go, we must be able to live with the consequences no matter what they are. If we go, we must believe that whatever happens that we did the very best we could while trying to parent this precious little girl. If we go, we must believe that God is still God in Omaha, NE or Shreveport LA.

Life. Its what I dream of for my sweet baby. Life. Its what I long to give her, but have no power to sustain it. Life. Not just living, but really living. Laughing. Loving. Being loved. There is more to this life than sitting in a hospital room. If she must grow up in one shouldn't it be one where she can be surrounded by all who love her? There is not one of us who would not give our lives for her. My precious son asked if his 10 year old liver would fit into his baby sister so that she might have 10 years like he had. That is love.

Ashley Kate will always be fragile. She will always struggle with germs and illness and hospital admissions, but on those days that she does not I want her to live. Are her organs at risk? Yes and No. Currently she is not experiencing any difficulty with any of them, but at any time she could. Could a cold send her into rejection? Yes. Could strep throat put her bowel at risk? Yes. We know this and we knew it the day that we took the risk to give her life through another child's organs. It cannot stop us from allowing her to live it.

We will be the first to rush her back. We will be the first to say its time to go. We will be the first to sell everything we own, give up everything, to provide for her transportation back if need be, but we will also be the first to acknowledge that she is never out from under His care. We will be the first to say, "You alone are God and you alone are in control of her life and ours. We trust You. We believe in You."

This hospital will hold us accountable if we made the wrong decision. The world will hold us accountable if we choose to go the wrong direction. We will hold ourselves accountable if she loses because of our choice. He will hold us accountable and to be honest He is the only one that really matters.

Do we or do we not believe? Today we decided that no matter what we DO believe.