Pressed

Have you ever felt as though the weight of the entire world was resting upon you? I mean not just said it, but really physically felt the pressure of the world on top of you? I may not no what it means to have the entire world and all of its problems pressing me, but I can assure you that my world, the part that Ashley Kate lives in, feels as though it may crush me. I am having a very difficult time keeping myself from being squashed underneath it all. This morning I could feel my burden growing heavier and heavier as my disappointment turned to anger. I don't get angry very often. Its not something that really happens to us that much. I don't think I've ever even seen Dave get angry, but this morning my tears turned angry. What am I angry about? I don't really know. I'm just mad. I'm hurt. I'm disappointed. Angry is the best way I know to describe what I am feeling.

So please remind me that "His yoke is easy and His burden is light." I know that, but try and make me feel that today and I would say to you ,"Good luck". There are days when it is just plain hard and yesterday was one of them and today may prove to be another. Two in a row just doesn't seem ok to me. I want to scream at somebody to "Give her a break!", but who would listen? I can't really say that I'm angry with God. It goes against everything that I believe I am supposed to feel towards Him, but can I tell you because I already told Him that I AM disappointed? I really, really am. Not just about this blod clot issue, but about a lot of things.

Loving someone and wanting them to be happy shouldn't be this difficult. It shouldn't hurt this bad. What is up with that? I don't get it. At least not today.

All over the world today mothers and fathers are sitting in hospitals just like the one I am in today watching their children hurt. I'm nothing special. Just another mom who wants to give their kid things that they will never be able to. There are even those who will hold their children, who will kiss their tiny faces, and touch their hands for the very last time today. What I am doing and what I am watching take place in my little ones life is not different or more special or more unfair than what they are doing. It's just that today it has made me angry. Not just angry for us but for all of them too. Each and every family who is struggling with their child's illness, their child's imperfect body, and their child's mortality is just as valid as we are. So why do I think or hope or pray or expect it to be any different or to get any better for our Ashley? I have no idea. I just keep this little part tucked in the back of my heart that someday life will get easier for her and its that little piece that I hide inside of me that makes each set back more difficult to handle.

I'm really sorry this post is so ugly and that my heart seems so ugly today. I have tried to stay away from the journal and had hoped Dave could post again today until I worked this all out, but he is working and can't. Am I still grateful? Of course. Thankful? Yes. A believer in my faith? It hasn't changed. Do I hurt so bad that I am now angry about all that happens to my daughter? Yes. For today anyway.

Are we transferring? We haven't made a final decision. Will it put her in jeopardy? No one can be sure. Will she remain out of jeopardy and safe if we stay here? Again, no one can be sure. Either way good or bad things could happen. So am I pressed with the weight of the world this morning as I try to make decisions that could potentially change the course of her life? Yes. I am being crushed by them.

Please forgive me for my attitude and the condition of my heart today.