Listening and Longing

Ash and I spent a good part of the afternoon listening to her sweet, sweet voice. Tears rolled down my cheeks as my almost 3 year old sat applauding the sounds of her own voice. The voice we haven't really heard in 16 months. We miss it. I think she does too. She loves to see this clip. I don't think she's confused by it. You can see her thinking while she listens. It makes me think she remembers. Remembers the sound of it, the ability to use it, the words she used to make with it. She wants to speak so badly. She works and works at getting something out, but it doesn't come. She really and truly does not know how to make the words come out, and I am at a loss because I really and truly don't know how to help her. It makes my heart sad. For her and for me. She has the sweetest sounding voice I have ever heard.

I say the words to her over and over again and she smiles the biggest smile. I love that she recognizes her own voice. She wants me to play it over and over and over again. I oblige her. It makes me just as happy to hear it.

I think I may have shared this clip with you before, but sadly its the only clip I have of her speaking. How I wish I would have known that a few weeks later she would lose the ability to speak. Dave and I laid in bed for months listening to our baby gherkin say, "my momma" all night long. It made us giggle how she would "talk" us to sleep. I wish, I wish, I wish I would have taped it, but I didn't. Just one of those hard lessons I have learned. Make each moment special. Take the time to enjoy them. They won't be there forever.


Tonight I listen to her coo and giggle and although I long to hear her say real words like "momma" again I find my heart thankful. Thankful that I have the opportunity to lie in my bed and listen to her for another night. The tears still fall, but many of them fall because I'm just grateful. Grateful to have the sweetest baby girl across the room "talking" us all to sleep.