Imagine

If I close my eyes tight enough and be still long enough then my mind drifts to home and I imagine that we are there. I can smell the Yankee candle burning on the mantle. I can see the lights glowing on the tree in the family room. I can picture Blake in his "spot" across the room from me on the couch cuddled under his Longhorn blanket. I can hear Ashley Kate giggle along with Allie as they share secrets together as she is tucked into her crib by her big sister. I can feel the strength of Dave's hands as he hugs me tight. Tonight I allow myself to imagine and I am truly grateful for the last 4 weeks we were given in our home. It was during those weeks that I intentionally burned these memories so as not to ever forget how good it truly felt to be inside of those walls.

Tonight our home is quiet as Dave climbs into our bed. There was no pickle to greet him as he came home from the office. There were no children to pray with before going to bed. There was no me to visit with as we drifted off to sleep. As much as my heart is confused and hurting tonight for the place that I find myself in it hurts even more for the empty home that Dave has come home to. It is so very different than it was a few short days ago. How lonely it must be for him.

"I just don't get it." That was his reply as I selfishly interrupted his work day just so I could hear his "rainbows and daisies" encouragement. There was none offered. He was just as stunned as I was as I stood and watched that camera shoot the pictures of her damaged bowel on the screen. Stunned silence. I had nothing to say.

I totally agree. I just don't get it either. I really and truly don't. I never will. Its just to much to comprehend.

I'm willing us to fall asleep. My little pickle is giggly and wide awake as she plays in this crib and babbles, "b,b,b,b,ba, b,b,b,b,ba" over and over again. My head is aching and my eyes are weepy. Crying doesn't help. It just makes my head hurt even more. I need to sleep. Sleep long enough to forget where we are and what it seems we may be facing tomorrow. Sleep so deep that I forget our silly baby is sick and imagine the twinkle in her eyes as the lights from the castle magically appear before her. I kiss her a thousand times and just breathe her in. Her joy, her laughter, her innocence. She is unaware that anything is wrong. Just silly and sweet. So, so precious. I love this child. I love her so very much and as crazy as it sounds I would be willing to do this all a thousand times over as long as it allowed us to keep her in our lives. All the hurt and the confusion and the frustration disappears when I look at her face and see the spirit He gave to her. The beauty of who she is overwhelms me and I love her so much that I would do anything to keep her from all of this.

I want so badly to allow her to experience life. To see and do and touch and feel the world around her. To take her outside the walls of hospital rooms and give her the life she deserves to have. A carefree childhood. I know that I should have outgrown this imagination stuff years ago, but even at 34 I hear myself saying, "Lets pretend...." Even if its just for tonight. Lets pretend she is healthy and whole and on her way to meet the mouse and see the lights of the magic kingdom. Thats what I'm imagining.