Settling In

We are here, are settled, and now struggle to find sleep. At least I do. Dave is exhausted and has already dozed off. I think it took him a whole 30 seconds. Ash is settling now that we have finished with all the chaos of admission, lab work, and TPN and is ready to doze off any minute now. I wish my eyes would close, my mind would slow down and my heart would stop aching. Instead I lay here in the dark and think to myself how blessed I am to be her mommy and how much I wish I could make life better for her.

The older kids are at my sisters and that brings peace to my heart. Knowing that they will be surrounded by their cousins and taken care of by my sisters allows me not to stress and worry about their day to day goings on(the reason why we drove all night to Oklahoma just in case we were called to Omaha). They still had a week of school before Christmas break begins, but I had to come up with something to make this easier on their hearts and this is what I came up with. Thankfully I believe it worked. Saying good bye was very difficult, especially knowing that Christmas is so close and the likely hood of us being on our way to the castle with them is not very high. My kids are amazing. They truly are. They continue to bless with me with their selfless attitude when it comes to caring for their baby sister. They want us to whatever it takes to make sure she is ok. They really and truly do. Blake and I had a long talk over the phone this afternoon while I sat in the ER with Ash. He called to tell me to take her to Omaha. He assured me that he and Al would be fine and that they wanted us to go so that her doctors could make her well. He shared that he was willing to miss her for a little while in order for her to get well and come home for a long while. Allie's heart was broken over the disney trip we planned for Ashley Kate. She has wanted to take her there since she was born. I promised her that I would do my best to make sure that she gets to take Ash someday. I know that she will have a wonderful time with Dave and Blake. I know they will make it special for Al, but there was just something magical about taking the girls this time. It was kind of like fulfilling a dream for Allie. Disney is the best place on earth in her mind and its something she wanted for Ash to experience. Especially at Christmas. Lots of tears have been shed over this lately.

I suppose tomorrow I will do my best to unpack and make a list of things we will be needing. I can't wait to pick up our air freshener. It really changes the whole place when the room smells nice. My heart is very sad about Christmas. The room feels so empty and cold compared to our home. I would have been content to sit and stare at the lights on our tree forever as Ashley Kate played on the floor and Blake and Al worked on the Christmas puzzle. What I wouldn't give to be back there with the five of us hanging out together tonight. For some reason Christmas at home just doesn't seem to be in the plan for us. Accepting that is more than difficult.

Ash remains the same. Not really any changes. Low fevers are about the only thing she can't seem to shake. The vomiting has stopped and her stool has slowed some. She is stable and for that I am truly thankful. We have spent many, many holidays with her where I couldn't say that. So overall, my heart is broken and thankful. Broken over the disappointment, but yet still grateful for this little girl who I am allowed to love.

Goodnight guys, Trish