Trying Not to Think

My mind runs a million miles a minute. Thoughts of what is happening, could be happening, might not be happening, etc., etc., come flooding through what has proven over the years to not be that big of a space and it all leaves me with a headache. A stomach ache. A heart ache.

For today I am trying to slow them all down. Just stop them. Not think. Just quit letting it flood over me.

Whatever will be will be and I have no power of changing the situation. No matter which direction it takes. God is God and I can't change His mind. He will do what is best, even if I don't agree that it is best. I trust that He is working it all for the good. Some way, some how. I can't pretend that its easy for me, because its just not. It is so hard to sit and wait and see what He will do. I want Him to just let me in on the plan, at least I think I do. In His wisdom I am confident that there are parts to His plan that I simply do not need to know. He doesn't need to include me as much as I think I want for Him to. So again, today I am trying my best to not think of it all.

This weekend the kids and I will be spending some time with family. Soaking up those memory making moments as fast as we can and then storing them inside of our hearts for those times when we need to pull them out to get us through. I imagine our blog will be silent for a couple of days as we wait to see what direction our lives will take, but you never know. I often think I'll just be silent and then the only thing that allows me to get through a moment is to dump it all out on these "pages". So I say we will be silent here at Ashely's story, but then again I don't really know if we will or not. My plan is to enjoy my children over the next 3 and 1/2 days. Not to allow any fear or worry or wonderings to pull me away from the moments we have together.

Ash continues to be about the same. Things aren't getting worse and not getting better either. Occasional low grade fevers, vomiting, stooling out, runny nose and cough. All of that sounds a little like a cold or flu virus to me, but then you have to throw in that whole transplanted bowel thing we like to talk about and it changes the equation. Her output is running in the 65-73 per kilo range and even though its not ideal its still not that 100-150 range. Dave is still holding out for the cold and I am trying to convince myself that he is right. In the back of our minds though we are still very much aware that her bowel is weak and remains unhealed and has a long way to go. Could she be in rejection? Yes, she could and I think that is what the majority are still trying to rule out, but if you followed us over the last few months you know that no one seemed to really know exactly what was going on inside of her. I imagine that hasn't changed. Its a big guessing game.

So until I hear from the transplant team, or until I am so full of thoughts and ponderings that I can't take it anymore, I will be taking the next few days to concentrate on Blake, Allison, and Ashley and little bit of family. I think its exactly what we need right now. Unfortunately, Dave is scheduled for a conference in Dallas this weekend and he won't be joining us. We will catch up with him on Sunday evening, I hope.

Enjoy your weekends. I hope they are full of holiday hustle and bustle, memory making, and the peace that this season brings. I promise to let you know if we hear any kind of results from pathology. Take care my friends. You are loved and appreciated. Trish