I wonder

I just tucked Ash into bed and received the sweetest smile you've ever seen as I signed to her "I love you" and "goodnight". Then I walked out of the room and shook my head as I wondered to myself "how". How did we get here? How do we do this? How is she able to ground me in all the chaos that surrounds me by flashing me that smile? How does this work? How was this His plan and how long will it be the way that it is? I wonder.

Ashley Kate's life is sweet. Complex, but sweet. As I go through the "routines" of caring for her I do tend to wonder just how long will all of this go on. I wonder if there will ever be a norm for this child or if we have achieved it and it just happens to be different then what one would ever picture as the norm. Does that make any sense at all? I'm not sure that it does.

As I prepare to hang TPN and IV fluids each night I wonder. How long? Will it ever be different? Will there ever come a time in her life that those tiny veins of hers will be free from catheters and intrusion? I wonder.

As I make formula and pour it into a bag rather than a bottle or a cup I wonder. As I run the line through her feeding pump and program it each day I wonder. Will I ever see this child hold a cracker in her hand and put it to her own mouth? Will she ever ask for a sandwich? A cookie? A snack? Will her body ever be free from the button and the tubing and the constant leaking and irritation? I wonder.

As I care for and empty her ostomy each day I wonder. How long? Will she ever be free from this bag? From the constant changing, emptying, and bulging of this bag? Will she ever wear a pair of blue jeans? Will she ever be potty trained? I wonder.

As I mix and administer meds each morning and each evening I wonder. How long? Will her body ever stand a chance of functioning the way it was created too? Will her liver ever be free from metabolising the constant barrage of toxins? I wonder, and then I remind myself that this is forever. There will never, ever be a day in the life of my daughter that she will not be administered medication. I don't need to wonder on this one, I already know.

As I learn to sign with her each day I wonder. How long? Will the silence last forever? Will she ever say my name again? Will her daddy ever hear the sound of this baby girl calling for him? Will she ever be able to cheer for Blake from the stands or sing along with Allie as they play? I wonder.

As I encourage her to stand I wonder. Will it ever happen for her? How long will it take? A year or two or three more? A lifetime? Will she ever take a step? Will she ever run? Will she ever jump? Will she ever kick soccer balls or chase butterflies? I wonder.

As I rock this baby girl I wonder. I wonder lots and lots of things, but most of all I wonder how I ever got to be in this place. The place where I find myself holding the sweetest of His creation. The place that allows me to love the most amazing little girl in this world. The place that affords me the opportunity to wake each day and glance at a miracle. A living, breathing, miracle. I wonder if it will ever become old to me, and then I remind myself that it will not. She has taught me that each moment, each day, each experience is precious and to be celebrated.

So tonight I sit in our home and I wonder. How is it that I get to be her mommy? I mean why me? I just kind of wonder.