Three Years, Forever Grateful

September 26, 2009

Its been three years, and I know you haven't forgotten. We haven't either, and I promise that we never will. I woke this morning just moments before the time and thanked God that I didn't oversleep. I laid very still just remembering the moment that the call came in and as the clock hit 7:46a.m. I smiled as tears formed in the corners of my eyes. "She's here. She's still here. Thank You Father that she is still here."

I wonder if you woke this morning and wished that "she was still here. Why God is she not still here?" My heart broke for you. It still does. I don't know how you found the strength to even wake up this morning. I just hope you could feel His presence wash over you as I prayed for you. I truly hope you did.

What do you say when what you feel in your heart is so much more than gratitude? Thank you seems so insufficient. It doesn't go far enough. It doesn't reach deep enough. Surely it can't mean enough. I feel so much more than I find the words to describe.

I spent today looking into Ashley Kate's eyes. I found myself peering as far into them as I could and wondering what part of your little one can be found in them. Her eyes sparkle. They shine. I would even say that they twinkle more than any star I ever gazed upon. I know its partly because of the piece of yours that is inside of her. I just believe that it is. If you could only know her. How I wish that you did. She smiles so wide. She giggles so much. She lives so fully. I pray that knowing these things would bring you some amount of peace.

If I could know you, had I known you in real life and not just in my heart I would have come to you today and hugged you so tightly. I would have brought our sweet Ashley so that you too could peer into those sweet, sweet eyes. I would have tickled her so that you too could hear the joy spill out of her. I would have. It was my hearts desire. Just to allow her to be close to you so that you could see the gift you gave that day.

As my heart felt joy, I know yours felt sadness. As my heart praised our God, I imagine yours might have questioned. As my heart ached for your loss today, I know yours broke more than I have ever known. I'm sorry for that. I really and truly am.

Today we remembered your little one. Ashley Kate sat outside in the wonderful autumn air and released three balloons in honor of the life that gave hers to her. One... two... three... she let them go and she watched as they floated toward heaven, toward your child. She's had three full years of life because of what you have given. I just wanted you to know. I'm not even sure why. I guess I just needed to say "Thank You" once again, and let you know that we remember. We always will. God bless you today as you remember.