At the edge

Its so hard for me to wrap my brain around this place we actually live. The place where life is beautiful, things are good, our baby is happy, so very happy, and then BAM out of NO WHERE you feel yourself going over the edge, falling and swirling as if you've just stepped off the cliff.

We live at the edge. The edge of cliff. As long as you don't go to close to it then life is good. Its really good. I mean, we know the edge is there, but you can ignore it and just live life and find happiness in all the beauty that surrounds you. All the beauty that spans that cliff all the way up to edge. The very edge. But once you step to that edge then the ground starts to shake and the beauty tries to slip away. I find myself with broken, jagged fingernails this morning. They are caked with mud and dirt and grass as I will myself to hang on to all that I know is ours. The life we live on top of that cliff far away from the edge.

We've been on the beautiful side of this life since July of last year. What a run! What a magnificent, amazing, blessed, run of good months we've been given.

I brought Ash in to the ER in the middle of last night. Her fluid losses were getting out of hand and I could see she was getting too dry. We started an IV, drew labs and expected to admitted to the floor. I can handle that. No panic. We just need to get on top of this "bug" and rehydrate our girl. How I wish the world around me weren't starting to spin!

Ashley's labs don't look so good. They are probably the worst set of labs she's had in almost a year. In fact they are. They look ugly, but I've seen them much worse...so I'm not ready to worry. Elevated white count, acidic, kidney function is bad, and bilirubin is not good. Its the first time in almost 4 years, since receiving her new liver, that her bilirubin has climbed outside of normal ranges. Still I'm not panicked. I think she's got a stomach bug. I just feel like she does. So why are we all running around and jumping off cliffs this morning?

They've called for transport. That means an ambulance. Yep, she and I get to take a ride to Shreveport this morning. From there? I'm not sure. I know they will call Nebraska and just between you and me...I NEVER call Nebraska. I mean, not unless its ABSOLUTELY necessary. You know as well as I do that once I let go of the ground and allow us to slip over the edge of the cliff toward Nebraska then life gets ugly. For LONG periods of time. I love UNMC and I hate UNMC. Does anybody understand that? I wonder if its just me. They are amazing, dedicated, surgeons and staff but once you go you have to fight to get to get back home. I'm too tired to fight. I really am. Its been over 48 hours since I've had any sleep.

So... such is our life. Our beautiful, contented, happy, life. Its trying to slip out of my grasp this morning and I'm not ready to let it.

Please pray for Ashley Kate. Pray for Blake and Allison. Me...I'm good. I really am. Its my kids that carry the worst of this life on the cliff. My sweet Ashley as she fights to just live a normal life. My son who loves her more than he has words to express. His heart is heavy for her. My Allie, who will be devastated to come home this afternoon and see that Ash is not there. They are inseparable. Its going to hurt.

Friday afternoon she was splashing in the pool with her daddy and I and this morning she's lying on a hospital gurney ready to be loaded into an ambulance. It happens just that quick. My brain is trying to wrap itself around that.