The news was not...

What we wanted to here coming from the operating room tonight. We r still trying to find direction and make the appropriate decisions.

The surgeon handed me photographs from the scope and I knew instantly that I had never seen a scope look like tonights. My heart sunk as I listened to his thoughts, his recommendations, and his opinions. Trying to keep in mind that it's at the cellular level where rejection is confirmed. He and I both just happen to know that what we were looking at wasn't good.

Initially Dave and I planned to call our flight team tonight to give them a heads up about needing to leave for Nebraska. After he arrived we'd had an hour to think about what was taking place and we are going to wait until tomorrow when we can talk to a transplant coordinator and get some advice. Although we don't really expect it to change the final destination.

The disappointment and devastation I feel is just too much. I have sobbed. Not just cried but sobbed until I couldn't breathe. Not only is my baby dangerously teetering on the edge of transplant nightmare, but my big kids are unaware of what is taking place. I don't have the heart to call them and lay the stress and worry on them at this time. Blake's first game of the week is at 8 am and I want him to relax and enjoy the opportunity. Allie is hanging out with her best friend and her grandma and life doesn't get much better than that at 12 years old. They deserve to be kids. How I wish ash and I were there with them and not where i find us at this moment. I love my kids so very much. This is going to be tough on all three of them.

We used one of ashleys two remaining sites and placed a central line. It wasn't easy for the surgeon to get it in but it is in. After being poked every single day for 9 days in a row this will give my brave girl a break. The risks are high with this line but we are at the point that it has become necessary in order to treat her. Ashley is weak. She is uncomfortable. Her threshhold for pain is very , very high and so I know that as she lays here whimpering that she is not well. Our sweet happy girl and her fun days of playing in our home are gone for now. The real world of transplant has resurfaced and we will be fighting our way back every single moment of every single day. We will get a moment closer to home as each one passes. That's all I'm clinging to at this point.

The days are unsure for us at this time but I am trying to cope with the knowledge that we are more than likely leaving tomorrow on a plane headed back to transplant. Oh how it hurts to type that! This is not the life I had planned for our girl. My sweet, beautiful girl.

I don't know how we will survive in Nebraska with only the things I have with us right now, but i do know that it will all work out. Somehow.

I guess if I could ask anything of you tonight it would be that you storm heaven with your prayers and ask that the Father return pathology to us that says something better than what everyone here tonight is expecting.

With my broken heart and my daughters broken body I'll say goodnight. Trish