To Those

To those who are disappointed, let down, and saddened by who I am...I'm sorry. What else can I say to you? I guess I can remind you that you don't have to open up Ashley's Story. You don't. To my knowledge there is no one forcing you to follow along our journey. Our account of our life, our emotions, our struggle, our truth, our faith, or our battle for the life of our daughter. I understand your disappointment. Trust me, I'm living it. Daily. I never set out to disappoint anyone, but daily find myself struggling with the knowledge that I am. I disappoint myself, my heavenly Father, my husband, my son, my oldest daughter, my youngest daughter, my parents, my brother, my sisters, the list goes on and on and on. I'm aware. Painfully aware that I can't be anything other than human.

Along this journey I have changed. I truly have. I have learned to love deeper. I have learned to understand more. I have learned to cherish the mundane that most people take for granted. I have learned its ok for me to be angry. Yes, even angry at the God who loves me for who I am and for my honesty. I have learned great compassion. I have learned to breathe deeper. I have learned to show my appreciation. I have learned to be grateful. I have learned that life is precious. I have learned that each day matters. I have learned that not all people in this world are good. I have learned that most people in this world are. I have learned that others are quick to criticize. I have learned how not to. I have learned to be non judge mental. I have learned how to just live. I have learned how to not shove my faith and my belief down any one's throat. I have learned how to stand up for what I believe in and how not to apologize for that faith. I have learned how to meet people where they are and how to love them no matter what they look like, believe in, or behave. I have learned that if Christ could die for those around me that I can love them because they are worth something. I have learned that my words can be misunderstood, misrepresented, mis used. I have learned that there are those who wish for bad things to happen to myself and to my family. I have learned that there are thousands who do not. I have changed. You are right. I have.

I wouldn't wish this part of our life on you or anyone for that matter. It hurts. More than the words on this screen could ever, EVER make you understand. I write for us. Plain and simple. I document the truth of OUR journey for those who may come after us and want an honest account of this experience. I could pretend to be holier, happier, healthier, haughtier, but I couldn't pretend to be more honest. I bare my soul, the good, the bad, the all of it on the pages of this journal. Why would I hide whats found inside of my heart when the very One who created me can see it anyway? What would the point be in that? I won't about this. I won't.

I disappoint you? I'm truly sorry. I'm disappointed too.

One thing I strive do as I raise the precious baby girl that was handed to me 5 years ago is this, I strive to stand before the Lord one day and know that I did everything I could possibly do to take care of the amazing gift she is. I will not have regrets. I will not. If I fail while trying to give her the very best life I possibly can then I fail, but it won't be from a lack of giving it my all. That I can promise you.

If you wanted the tears to keep falling then your goal was accomplished. If your intent was to hurt me a little deeper than I already am hurting then you accomplished that too. Truly, if I could be the person you thought I should have been along this journey then I would, but I can only be who I am. And today I'm sorry for that.

To those of you who love me in spite of myself I thank you from the deepest part of my heart. Its been a long road. Its going to get longer and harder. Dave and I have lost a lot of friends over the last 5 years. People whom we thought were true friends. We don't blame them. Honestly we don't. It hurts to love our baby. Oh, how it hurts. But if you stick around then you will also see that there is nothing more amazing than to fall in love with Ashley Kate. If you allow her into your heart, she just might change you too.