Praying for Ashley again
Ashley's lab work returned some very alarming numbers this week. There are so many things wrong and very little that is right. I have this sick, heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach when I look over them. Her CBC is probably the worst I've ever seen in all seven of her years. Her liver and kidney panels are both a mess. The overall picture tells us that her health is declining rather than remaining stable. My prayer for her is that her little body would just maintain. We know that she can't be fixed. We are hoping for maintenance.
She doesn't show indications of pain. I don't think she is suffering. She still smiles and laughs everyday. She seems happy and so I'm trying not to worry about her but the tears did fall tonight as Dave and discussed where things sit and what can be done. There are no good options. No easy answers. Nothing that comes to mind and helps us know what to do for her.
I expect phone calls this week. Hard conversations coming our way.
I go on the road tomorrow for another five day stretch and then Blake and I leave for a tournament in New York following the one this week in Tulsa. Finding the balance in our lives and raising three kids instead of only one medically fragile child remains an ongoing struggle. It's never been easy when trying to be there for each one of them and its not getting any better the older they all three become.
I just know that I love my kids and I'm trying to be the best mom I can be for all of them. My heart hurts tonight and I feel the panic building inside of me. I'm doing my best to quiet the stirrings of what I don't know for sure and trying not allow my thoughts to overtake me. One day at a time, one hour, one minute, one breath. There are times when that one moment at a time is all that helps me survive.
As always your prayers for my sweet Ashley are coveted. Thank you for loving her so very much.