How long has it been

How long has it been since we last touched your face?

How long has it been since we last kissed your cheeks?

How long has it been since we last brushed your hair?

How long has it been since we last rocked you to sleep?

How long has it been since we last saw your smile?

How long has it been since we last heard you laugh?

How long has it been since we last told you how much you were loved?

How long has it been since we last checked on you in your sleep?

How long has it been, precious Ash, since you left for Heaven?

How long has it been since we began longing for this life to end?

How long has it been since Heaven became sweeter?

How long has it been since Jesus became more real?

The passing of days in this life does not heal a heart that has been broken by grief.  The counting of time is a reminder of not only how long it has been since we have had you here with us, but it is also a reminder of how many days closer we are to being with you again.

Its been 1,095 days since you left for Heaven.  My heart has ached for all 1,095 of those days, and yet it has also rejoiced for you.  You have been with Jesus now for every one of those days, and I know there are no words in this life that can describe the sights that have you seen.  Precious girl, we rejoice for you that you have finished your race.  Still my tears fall freely, and my heart hurts daily because I miss you so very much.  The belief of Heaven does not end the suffering of a broken heart.  But oh to know that you no longer suffer the pain of a body that did not work is enough for this mommy's heart to rejoice for YOU!  Tears do not fall from your eyes anymore.  That is a comfort for me.  

How long has it been since I last saw you?

I see you everyday sweet girl. I see you in my memories.  I see you asleep in your bed when I walk into your room.  I see you playing with your toys when I peek into the playroom.  I see you sitting on your "perch" in our foyer as I glance over that way. I see you sitting in the big chair that you loved so much.  I see you scooting across the floor on your way down the hall.  I see you here, around me, in the memories I have stored up for this life.  One day I will see you again...face to face...but for now I see you in all the places where you used to be.

1,095 days closer.  We are 1,095 days closer to seeing you there.  Don't give up on us sweet girl.  We are stumbling, and struggling, and scratching our way through each day, but we are surviving them.  We will one day all be together again.  Its the only way we are making it without you here.  Knowing that we will see you again some day.

You are forever loved... forever missed...forever 8.

Celebrating You

Sweet Ash,

 Its August again...August 4th...what should be your eleventh birthday...and yet...your not here.

 Not anymore.

 Still we wanted to celebrate you.

 Your life...who you were...how you lived...and all that you accomplished in your short 8 years in this place.  But...how?  How do we celebrate when our hearts are still shattered from your absence?  How do we celebrate when we can no longer touch you, or hold you, or kiss your cheeks?  Its been so difficult to be separated from you today.  So painful to not see your smile, hear your giggles, and watch your eyes twinkle. I've longed to know you at this age. Who would you be? How beautiful? I hope we honored your memory well today.  I hope we brought glory to the Father with our attempts today.  Our focus was to spread JOY to those around us in celebration of you. Little acts of kindness in memory of the little girl who forever changed us.

Early this morning Daddy and I took a balloon to your memorial.  To the place that we go when our hearts are longing to be close to you.  I tied a single pink balloon around "your" wrist and watched the breeze cause it to slowly sway above your head.  I desperately wanted to be somewhere else with you.   Anywhere else but that place.  I wanted to run to where you are...to where you really are.  I know your soul is not here,  I know its not there because I watched it leave your body as you left for Heaven, I felt your last breath escape your broken body and I kissed your cheeks a thousand times when it did.   But this is the last place I saw your tiny face and so,,,its the place I go.  Its all we have for now,  Its the only place we can go to "see" you.

I've cried a million tears since that moment you left, and I know I'll cry a million more.  My heart broke into a million pieces that morning, and I still find myself trying to pick the pile of it up off the floor. Ive struggled to breathe more days than not.  I've spent so many sleepless nights without you here, desperately trying to remember every feature of your face. You were so, so beautiful and I intentionally tried to make a forever memory of you so I would have it if the day ever came that you were no longer here.

Precious girl of mine I will cry a million more tears but take great peace in knowing that tears no longer escape from your eyes.  I'll pick up the pieces of my broken heart a million times over knowing that your heart will never break again.  I'll fight for each breath and take that on willingly  because I know you will never have to labor for another.  I'll give up a peaceful nights sleep for as many nights as I'm left here because I know you now know perfect peace.  There are no more sleepless nights for you to suffer through.  My pain is great, but yours is no more.  For that I am so thankful.  Your pain is gone, your tears are dry, your heart doesn't hurt, your labored breaths have ceased and you live in perfect peace.  For every moment of eternity you now have peace.  If I had to choose between the pain I feel since you left or the pain you were forced to endure then I choose me a million times over so that your struggle could come to an end.

But I miss you desperately.

 Today,

Tomorrow.

Everyday until my life ends.

 You are so loved.  Still so very loved.  Forever loved...Forever missed...Forever eight.

Happy Birthday sweet girl.  How I wish I could tell you face to face.