Our sweet Ashley is finally asleep. The doctors came in to see her tonight and saw how much she was struggling so they ordered some morphine to help her with the pain. Today has been one of the hardest so far. Ashley has been in pain and has cried non stop since the procedure ended this morning. My heart is broken for her. How badly I wish I could trade places with her. I am grateful that they finally have given her some help with the pain and that she has drifted off to sleep. If only I could fix this for her and make it all go away. I would do anything to spare her from all of this.
My heart is not only broken for her tonight, but it is feeling homesick. As I talked with Dave and the kids tonight I realize that we are now living two different lives. His life seems worlds away from mine at this point. We report to each other every day about how all of the kids are and try to stay connected, but many times we are distracted from the pressures that we are both facing. I know that we are strong enough to endure this time in our life, but it still makes me sad and it hurts to be so far away from their world. There are so many things that I miss about home. I miss the familiarity of our house. I miss the feeling of all is well and safe that I feel when I am in it. I miss the piles of laundry and sinks full of dishes. I miss the smell of candles burning on the mantel. I miss the chaos of our busy schedules. I miss shuttling the kids from here to there. I miss the laughter that fills the rooms. I miss the smiles on their faces. I miss the conversations I have with my son about baseball and his dreams. I miss drawing pictures on Allie's back when I tuck her into her bed. I miss the two of them running to Ashley's rescue when I put her down for her naps. I miss brushing Allie's hair. I miss fixing Tacos for Dave at least 3 times a week. I miss hugging his neck in the kitchen as he comes in from the office. I miss watching Blake and Ashley cuddled up on the couch. I miss listening to Allie talk to Ashley as they sit and play Polly Pocket together. I miss the strength I get from Dave and his reassurance that it will all work out. I miss my friends. The ones that live in my house. The ones that God allowed me to call my family. I miss all of this and a million other things.
I am praying for God to keep us close and for Him to allow my sweet Ashley to heal so that we can all be together soon. I am praying for Him to fill the emptiness and the lonliness that I feel apart from them. I am praying that He continues to give Ash and I the strength to hang on until they all come back to visit. I am praying that I am doing what is right by all of the children and that one day they will all understand how very much we love them. Tonight I am praying for my family. I am praying that His will may be accomplished in our lives. Good night and God bless you all and your families.