Ashley's Story

She will leave fingerprints all over your heart

10/30/2006

Missing Home

Our sweet Ashley is finally asleep. The doctors came in to see her tonight and saw how much she was struggling so they ordered some morphine to help her with the pain. Today has been one of the hardest so far. Ashley has been in pain and has cried non stop since the procedure ended this morning. My heart is broken for her. How badly I wish I could trade places with her. I am grateful that they finally have given her some help with the pain and that she has drifted off to sleep. If only I could fix this for her and make it all go away. I would do anything to spare her from all of this.

My heart is not only broken for her tonight, but it is feeling homesick. As I talked with Dave and the kids tonight I realize that we are now living two different lives. His life seems worlds away from mine at this point. We report to each other every day about how all of the kids are and try to stay connected, but many times we are distracted from the pressures that we are both facing. I know that we are strong enough to endure this time in our life, but it still makes me sad and it hurts to be so far away from their world. There are so many things that I miss about home. I miss the familiarity of our house. I miss the feeling of all is well and safe that I feel when I am in it. I miss the piles of laundry and sinks full of dishes. I miss the smell of candles burning on the mantel. I miss the chaos of our busy schedules. I miss shuttling the kids from here to there. I miss the laughter that fills the rooms. I miss the smiles on their faces. I miss the conversations I have with my son about baseball and his dreams. I miss drawing pictures on Allie's back when I tuck her into her bed. I miss the two of them running to Ashley's rescue when I put her down for her naps. I miss brushing Allie's hair. I miss fixing Tacos for Dave at least 3 times a week. I miss hugging his neck in the kitchen as he comes in from the office. I miss watching Blake and Ashley cuddled up on the couch. I miss listening to Allie talk to Ashley as they sit and play Polly Pocket together. I miss the strength I get from Dave and his reassurance that it will all work out. I miss my friends. The ones that live in my house. The ones that God allowed me to call my family. I miss all of this and a million other things.

I am praying for God to keep us close and for Him to allow my sweet Ashley to heal so that we can all be together soon. I am praying for Him to fill the emptiness and the lonliness that I feel apart from them. I am praying that He continues to give Ash and I the strength to hang on until they all come back to visit. I am praying that I am doing what is right by all of the children and that one day they will all understand how very much we love them. Tonight I am praying for my family. I am praying that His will may be accomplished in our lives. Good night and God bless you all and your families.

5 Comments:

At 10:51 PM , Anonymous Suzanne said...

I have no words to help fill the lonley feeling your experiencing nor the void of missing out on the fun daily stuff with Blake & Allie & Dave. I wish I knew the plan but we have to trust in God to lead .....Praying things will rapidly progress toward healing & d/c home. In your time God. I am falling asleep typing.....Long day. Not like yours ...You have to be exhausted. I am sorry Ash had a rough time today & I will be praying. Night Night.

 
At 10:56 PM , Anonymous Heidi said...

May the Lord bless you! I wish there was bore I could do to help but I hope leaving a comment would encourage you. You and your whole family are in my prayers tonight.

 
At 10:58 PM , Blogger Sarah's In the Midst of It said...

Trish, my prayer for you tonight is that God will draw you so close to Him that your loneliness won't seem so strong. There is no place like home, and I hope you and Ashley get to go home soon.

 
At 2:44 AM , Anonymous Janiece Baldwin said...

So sorry that little Ashley has had to endure sooooo much pain today which has caused you to endure soooo much pain and heartache~~~we are thankful that they have given her the medication so that she can finally rest.
We as mothers want to "fix" everything for our children and when we are unable to do that it can make us feel so helpless. We can only see what is right in front of us and then we feel the helplessness and loneliness even more because we are separted by many miles from our family and loved ones and everything tends to just tumble down around us. It only adds to the "helplessness" when are not surrounded by our family and loved ones to encourage and comfort us. It is when we are helpless that God can do what He desires and that is to draw us closer and closer to Him. I am praying right now that God Almighty will touch you and Little Ashley in a special way to remind you that He is there in that very room with you~~~and He is not going anywhere~~

 
At 6:40 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

(= Praying for you.

 

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