Letting Go to Let God...
I survived the night and feel fresh and renewed to take on all that today holds for my sweet Ashley. Last night I realized that I was at the end. I had gone as long as I could go without resting well. I so desperately needed to lay down on a bed and allow myself to sleep. Really sleep. This is so very difficult for me to do. I have spent almost 15 months jumping at the sound of any movement, of alarms, of coughing followed by vomitting, and by any wimper that sounds an alarm that something is not right. Finally I allowed myself to let go and let God hold her through her Aunt Toni's arms and walked out of the PICU to my room and to my bed. I have only slept on this bed during Dave's last visit while he was left to watch over Ashley. As I laid in the bed I thought to myself this is useless. I can't will myself to turn off all that was running through my head. I was planning on just stretching out and then walking back over to get my sister and tell her that she might as well get a little sleep herself. Then I heard a preacher on T.V. say that " The Father was big enough to take care of whatever I was carrying. If I would only trust Him and let Him take care of it, then I could walk away with joy in my heart and a burden lifted from my heart." As I laid there feeling complete conviction for once again thinking that I had to be the one to take care of her, I realized that I had picked up this burden AGAIN. I say over and over again that I trust Him, but then I continue to carry this load. This very heavy load. So I prayed and asked Him to once again take it from me and give me the peace that I needed to sleep and just rest in the knowledge that He was in control of My Ashley through the night. Before I finished my prayer I heard the alarm going of this morning. Wow! I have slept for a full night and I feel renewed and energized!
This morning Ashley will lose the line in her little neck. As a result of a mistake that was made and then covered up and not brought to anyone's attention. They will sedate her to make her more comfortable as they change out the lines. So once again she will be at risk for infection which at this point is so very dangerous. I know that my faith and my testimony of my faith are on trial right now. With every muscle in my mouth I had to clamp down on my tongue last night as I watched the one responsible come in to help with my Ashley. (This was not my nurse Emily who was takeing care of my Ashley. She is one of my favorites and she is great!) Oh how tempted I was to open my mouth and let flow all of the feelings that were welling up inside of me, but how thankful I am that I did not. Many years ago David and I learned something that we decided would be our family's motto. It was written on the board in our classeroom from day one and it was still there as we disassembled that classroom this fall as the kids went on to school. In our family with our children this is our goal: We always do our best and do what is right because: 1. We represent God to the World. 2. We represent our Family and our Family name to the World. 3. We represent ourselves to the World. How else can we show that Jesus lives in us if we do not follow these simple guidelines? In everything we do we must remeber that He needs to shine before we do or say anything that might take away from our ability to testify about His goodness. This is not always easy and we are obviously not perfect, but it is how we strive to live in our home. How can I teach this to my Blake, Allie, and Ashley if I can't live it myself? Oh! how I am being tested! The fact that Ashley will endure another set of difficulties because of a careless and irresponsible mistake is breaking my heart, but I must keep my mouth and my toungue under control. This is not easy for me. It takes Him living and working in me today to keep my mouth shut.
Today I will Trust Him to take care of our Ashley just as He was so faithful to do through the night. Today I will ask if you think of her please pray for her tremors and for the line procedure to go well and that she will stay free from infection. If you remember I would appreciate a little prayer asking Him to help Ashley's mommy keep her mouth shut and only use it to smile. I will be praying the same. I love you guys for checking on her this morning. I pray that He will bless you and guide you through today. Have a blessed one. Trish