We are not alone
Today I have once again realized that Dave and I are not alone in this fight. Every where I turn I am finding more and more stories of families who are struggling for another day just as we are. How my eyes have been opened to the reality that we are not promised a lifetime with our children. They truly are a gift from the Father to be enjoyed for the time we are given. What an important job it is to be given the role of a parent to the littlest of His family. How precious each moment with my children has become to me. With Ashley I try so very hard to live every moment. Never wanting to sleep, or to put her down, or to allow someone to watch over her in my place. I want to be with her every minute of her life so that I will have no regrets. How proud I am to be her mommy and how proud I am of each little accomplishment. Things I used to take for granted are now so monumental. My heart longs to be with Blake and Allie too. Time away from them has been one of the most difficult parts of this walk. How do I get back all the time we are losing? I know this is impossible and I can hear in their voices each day how tired and weary they are becoming. They miss Ashley and they desperately want for her to come back home.
Today I have learned of 2 more families who have lost the fight for their children's life. My heart is broken for their loss and I have no words to minister to them. I have never met these families but yet I feel such a bond with them. My Ashley is here with me and just yesterday their children were with them. There are thousands of us out there living each moment of our children's lives with the knowledge that they may leave us any day. How do we memorize every look, every sound, every smell, every everything about them? There are so many things I want to never forget. Things about Blake and Allie and Ashley that only I as their mom knows. My mind races trying to remember all of the special times we have had together.
If only He would tell me of His plans for my family? Would this give me the peace I so desperately search for at this time? I know I am better off not knowing and allowing Him to guide me one moment, one day at a time. How I wish I could take the pain from the families who are feeling such loss tonight. How I wish they had their babies to hold and rock and tuck into bed tonight. I don't think I would have the strength to endure what they are going through. I am just so grateful. I know I say everyday how very thankful I am for each day with my sweet girl, but I can't say it enough. He has given me the most wonderful little girl and she is a GIFT. I did nothing to deserve her. I only asked for Him to use me in the life of a child. He did not owe me anything and He did not have to grant my hearts desire. Why did He smile down on me? I have no idea. I only pray that I do not fail Him or her. I pray that I am the mommy to Ashley that He intends for me to be. I pray that I am the mom to Blake and to Allison that He wants me to be. I pray that I am the wife to Dave that He wants for me to be. I pray that I can be the sister thay I am supposed to be. I pray that I am the friend that He wants me to be. I pray that I will be the witness that He deserves me to be. I fall so short in so many of these areas everyday, and I pray that He will give me the strength to be the person He wants me to be.
Tonight my heart hurts for all of the families who have lost their children, but yet it rejoices for them for the times that they had with those precious babies. As I lay my head down tonight I will pray for all who have lost and I will thank Him that He chose to give us Ashley for another day.