Ashley's Story

She will leave fingerprints all over your heart

10/29/2006

We are not alone

Today I have once again realized that Dave and I are not alone in this fight. Every where I turn I am finding more and more stories of families who are struggling for another day just as we are. How my eyes have been opened to the reality that we are not promised a lifetime with our children. They truly are a gift from the Father to be enjoyed for the time we are given. What an important job it is to be given the role of a parent to the littlest of His family. How precious each moment with my children has become to me. With Ashley I try so very hard to live every moment. Never wanting to sleep, or to put her down, or to allow someone to watch over her in my place. I want to be with her every minute of her life so that I will have no regrets. How proud I am to be her mommy and how proud I am of each little accomplishment. Things I used to take for granted are now so monumental. My heart longs to be with Blake and Allie too. Time away from them has been one of the most difficult parts of this walk. How do I get back all the time we are losing? I know this is impossible and I can hear in their voices each day how tired and weary they are becoming. They miss Ashley and they desperately want for her to come back home.

Today I have learned of 2 more families who have lost the fight for their children's life. My heart is broken for their loss and I have no words to minister to them. I have never met these families but yet I feel such a bond with them. My Ashley is here with me and just yesterday their children were with them. There are thousands of us out there living each moment of our children's lives with the knowledge that they may leave us any day. How do we memorize every look, every sound, every smell, every everything about them? There are so many things I want to never forget. Things about Blake and Allie and Ashley that only I as their mom knows. My mind races trying to remember all of the special times we have had together.

If only He would tell me of His plans for my family? Would this give me the peace I so desperately search for at this time? I know I am better off not knowing and allowing Him to guide me one moment, one day at a time. How I wish I could take the pain from the families who are feeling such loss tonight. How I wish they had their babies to hold and rock and tuck into bed tonight. I don't think I would have the strength to endure what they are going through. I am just so grateful. I know I say everyday how very thankful I am for each day with my sweet girl, but I can't say it enough. He has given me the most wonderful little girl and she is a GIFT. I did nothing to deserve her. I only asked for Him to use me in the life of a child. He did not owe me anything and He did not have to grant my hearts desire. Why did He smile down on me? I have no idea. I only pray that I do not fail Him or her. I pray that I am the mommy to Ashley that He intends for me to be. I pray that I am the mom to Blake and to Allison that He wants me to be. I pray that I am the wife to Dave that He wants for me to be. I pray that I can be the sister thay I am supposed to be. I pray that I am the friend that He wants me to be. I pray that I will be the witness that He deserves me to be. I fall so short in so many of these areas everyday, and I pray that He will give me the strength to be the person He wants me to be.

Tonight my heart hurts for all of the families who have lost their children, but yet it rejoices for them for the times that they had with those precious babies. As I lay my head down tonight I will pray for all who have lost and I will thank Him that He chose to give us Ashley for another day.

4 Comments:

At 9:01 PM , Anonymous Grandma said...

My heart breaks for those families who have lost thier precious little ones and it breaks daily as I lift all those babies to our Father. Peace only comes in knowing that they are safe in the arms of Jesus. What better place to be; yet how very difficult it has to be for the parents who can only feel loss as their children slip away from them. My prayers will continue for each child in the PICU and for their families. We held hands tonight at church and offered up special prayer for Ashley's little body to calm down and for her to have sweet rest tonight. I know our Father was listening and that He cares. I pray for rest for you tonight, too, Trish. You, too are in the mighty arms of Christ. Love and Hugs, Grandma

 
At 10:31 PM , Blogger Mayhem & Miracles said...

I once told a friend there was no way I could handle what she was going through (God called her to a speaking ministry as an OKC bombing survivor when it was all still very raw for her) and she told me something I'll never forget. She said, "you know what, you're right, you couldn't." Then paused and said, "because it's not your calling; you only get the grace for what you're asked to do. Otherwise it wouldn't be faith. Don't compare problems. Yours are as big to you as mine are to me. But God is with us both." That girl is my best friend in the whole world and a fountain of Godly wisdom. God's grace IS sufficient -and not only that - it's everything. I'm reminding myself as I'm trying to pass on encouragement to you. Don't worry, you are oozing grace right now, even if you don't sometimes feel like it. I can not imagine the feeling of having to watch your own child suffer for the good of others, but God certainly can. And Ashley's story is definitely not in vain. So many people are being drawn to or back to God. What an amazing thing to get to glimpse such an intimate part of God's character that most of us know nothing about. I am in awe.

 
At 10:57 PM , Blogger Troy and Melanie said...

I am so glad that Ashley has been well enough today to give little pieces of her old self back to you. It must be such a reassurance each time she plays her little games and does things that makes your heart smile. God knows when we need a pick me up, and He pours His blessings out on each one of us every day....the question is do we choose to notice it. I know before reading your daily postings...I wasn't noticing the little blessings He gives us each day. Now I don't take one smile or giggle, or grabbing hold of hand, fingers, and even hair for granted! Each moment with our families is a gift from the Father, and I want to cherish each tiny moment as well as the huge ones. Much love and prayers.

 
At 12:35 AM , Blogger Ivey Elizabeth Sirmans said...

You will make it through this. Right now I am torn about how, but there is no other option. What other luxury do we have? I am sitting here at 1:20 am reading about your sweet baby girl. I myself just had to walk out of the PICU for just a moment to take a breath. Seven days ago I thought we would be in a much different, easier, place that we are today. I left my two sons early this morning to return to Atl. to the hospital for Ivey, only to have my 2 year old push me away. I have to keep reminding myself that one day my two sons will understand that the love for my children is infinite - even when I am not there. I will be praying for you. It is nice to meet you.
I will thank Sarah for the connection.

 

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