Watching her sleep...
Well Ashley has been asleep for more than 48 hours now. I have not seen her move even a muscle since she came back from surgery on Tuesday evening. They did not wake her from the paralytic state this afternoon. The stress from all of the moving during the GI series was very hard on her and she has been allowed to continue in her deep sleep. Her little eyes are very swollen and they look like they would hurt. Today the nurse told me that not just her eyelids but the eyes themselves are swelling. They have given her some lasix to help pull some of the fluid off of her but she is still very puffy. We have moved her out of her crib and back onto a regular size hospital bed. The baby in the mirror that Ash loves to play with no longer lives in her room. I hope that as soon as she feels better we can move her back to the crib and she can see her favorite little friend again.
I miss Ashley. I can see her little body, but I can not see her anymore. There are no smiles, no patty-cakes, no pink sponges, no Blues Clues and no toys around her. I touch her hair and wipe her little eyes with a cloth. I kiss her on her head and whisper to her how very much I love her. It is so emotional as I try and talk to her. How I wish she could look at me or respond to me in some way. I often wonder what her brain is thinking. Is she dreaming about going home? I imagine that He is there with her. I like to think that she can hear His voice even if she doesn't hear mine. This is one of the hardest times I think we have been through. It is really frightening to see no movement or hear no sounds from her. I have had to leave her in His hands and I know this is where she needs to be right now.
The families in the PICU are changing. As children become stronger they move to the next floor. Chloe and Skyler are still here with us. There is also another little boy here from Tx. that was transplanted 2 days after Ash. I will not print his name because I don't have permission from his parents, but they are very sweet and very precious. They too are praying for my Ashley Kate. I have not been able to talk to or meet any of the other families. So much has happened with Ashley that I feel a little guilty that I don't even know the others. Today I was told another family from Tx. had a little girl transplanted night before last. I hope to get an opportunity to visit with them sometime. One thing I have learned is that some of the best gifts in this life don't cost anything but can mean so very much. A smile, a hug, a kind word, a prayer, all of these are so very precious and so very easy to give to others. I pray that a day never goes by where I fail to offer these priceless gifts to those around me. How they can minister to a hurting heart!
I am going to go sit by our Ashley and lay my head next to hers on the pillow. I wish I could hold her tonight, but for now I will be content to hold her hand. I will soak up each minute that I am with her, and I will try so very hard to memorize everything about her sweet face. She is so beautiful and so amazing. I am so happy to be her mom. Thank you for spending another day with us as He continues to write Ashley's story upon our hearts. Good night.