My Ashley is still out cold. She has not been allowed to wake at all since going down to surgery yesterday afternoon. Tonight my heart feels so very heavy as I watch her sleep. She has no movement at all. I touch her little face and she has no idea that I am there. I tried to hold her hand and she is not able to give me that little squeeze that lets me know how much she loves me. It is very frightening to see her this way. Yesterday morning seems like forever ago. She was waving and grining to all of the doctors during rounds. She was playing with her Aunt Toni mimicking what she was doing with her toys. Today there are no Blues Clues videos playing in her crib and the baby in the mirror is not even there. My heart is sad, but I am holding on to the hope that He will bring her back. She is just resting while her lungs and her throat are healing. I know Ash is in there even though I can not see her.
I am trying to pray tonight but I don't seem to know what to say. I know He can see my heart and I know He can feel the burden I carry inside of it. Talking to my sisters tonight I am able to say that life is still good. There are so many things that I can be thankful for. Even though I am scared, I know that we are blessed and taken care of. If He is taking care of the sparrows tonight and I know that He is, then He is taking care of my Ashley. I never know what will happen from moment to moment around here, but He does. He can see tomorrow and He can see the very moment that our sweet Ashley will wake up with a fight and a zest for life. She will be ready when He says she is ready. I can feel Him working in her life tonight. I don't know why I feel this I just do. He is also working in mine. "Be still and know that I am God". This is what He says to do and tonight I am being very still. Her room is quiet and there is no movement, only the hum of the ventilator. I am trying to listen to what it is I am to learn from this one. How will this grow and change me? What will I be able to share when Ash comes out on the other side of this? I pray I am listening close enough to know what it is He is saying to us. Something inside of me tells me there is more going on than I know. I can't explain it. I just feel different tonight. Not really anxious, just something different.
Night time is when I feel the most lonely and vulnerable. Dave is not here to tell me good night or to talk about our hopes and dreams for the children's future. It is hard to be alone in the dark night after night when I am so used to holding his hand as I sleep. Just to know that he is on the other side of the bed gives me such peace in my heart. I am struggling without him. I am sad when I stop and realize that I have misssed an entire month of Blake and Allison's life. This is time that I can never recover. Once it is gone it will be gone forever. Allie is without a mom during this season of cheerleading and Blake doesn't have me there to make sure all of his equipment is ready each week for his games. I am having to learn to let go and allow others to fill in the gaps that I have left. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done. How do I make this up to them? I have no idea. They are being so grown up and so unselfish. My prayer is that God will allow us to be a family again once Ash is all better. If I could just take her home to our house and we could all be together to live this life that He gave us. It is a really great life and I miss it so very much.
But tonight I am grateful for this day and the time I have had to be her mommy. I am grateful to be used by Him to try and encourage my fellow parents in the halls as we all struggle together for our children. I am grateful for all that He does for my family, which is so much more than I deserve. I am just grateful to be me and to be in this place in my life with my baby. I am grateful that He has shown me love and support from my home, my church, my family, my friends, and my community. I am grateful to have a baby "gherkin" to love. I am grateful that He loves me enough to hold me and my family in His hand everyday.