It can't be real
As I sit to type to each of you right now there must be 20 or more people crowded around my sweet girl trying to stabilize her breathing. Today seems so unreal to me. So many times I have looked around and asked my sister, "is this real?, it this really happening?" It seems like such a bad dream but I haven't been able to wake up from it. I know He knew what today held for my Ashley. I know He saw every minute of it coming, but I could not have imagined that after a month of struggling she would end up so close to the beginning tonight.
My heart is broken and it is crying tears that my eyes will no longer allow to fall. It is killing me to watch her struggle for breath again. This was supposed to be an easy day. Just a small procedure down in surgery. Nothing at all for me to worry about. As the hour turned into 2, then 3, then 4 I knew they were all wrong. Ashley has had a scope and a breathing tube down her throat for more than 4 hours today. As a result of this trauma her airway is swollen and it is now to dangerous to allow her to come off of the ventilator. She is restrained and they are working on getting her paralyzed for the night to try and keep her from removing the breathing tube on her own. If she loses this tube tonight then the likely alternative will be to place a trach? I have no idea how to spell that word and I pray that I never have to learn. My tough exterior is cracked tonight and I am broken beyond words. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to pray tonight. All I say over and over again is God Please! I am so numb the tears will not come. The words are not here. My heart is pounding and my hands are shaking, my head is splitting and I am scared for her. I want the peace that He has given to me time and time again. I want to trust that He is still in control and I do, but I am just so frightened.
They were not able to accomplish the goal of todays procedure. Ashley does not have a G-J tube in place to feed her. They did find a problem with stomach and it will require an operation at some point next week to repair it. This problem is why she has been vomitting for 12 days. I can see that He has answered our prayer and showed her doctors what He has known all along. I am thankful for that. I do praise Him for showing them the problem and for giving them the wisdom to know how to correct it. Is this the reason for all of today's events? I believe that He gave Ash such a good nights rest so she would be strong enough to endure today. I know that He knows every inch of Ashley's body and how it is functioning and I choose to believe that He allowed this to happen today to fix a problem that only He knew was there. I will thank HIM for this.
Tonight I pray for peace and rest for my Ashley Kate. I pray for strength for my body and my faith to go on. I pray for His will to be done in Ashley's life. I pray for wisdom to be given to those managing her care. I pray I will not doubt or allow fear to overwhelm me. I pray for my daughter to grow stronger and stronger so that she will breath easily on her own once again. I pray that my words and my action will not show doubt in His plan, but that I will only bring glory to Him through all of this. I pray I will not fail my sweet baby, but that I will be strong enough to fight as hard as she does. Tonight I will pray and I will pray and I will pray and I pray that I never stop or become to tired to look to Him and continue praying for my Ashley.