Ashley's Story

She will leave fingerprints all over your heart


Shame on Me!!

Please let me apologize for allowing myself to fall in to the deep, dark pit of self pity!! How ashamed I am after re-reading my post last night. I absolutely have no right to feel so sad. I am nothing but blessed in this life. How I wish I could go back and erase the ugliness that flowed out of me. I am so sorry for causing any of you to feel sorry for us. God is good to us on the sad days and on the happy days. He is good to us on the hard days and on the easy days. He is good to us no matter what circumstance we find ourselves in, and I owe Him more than what I gave yesterday. So let me please say I am sorry, please forgive me, and lets start concentrating on our blessings now that this is behind us.

This morning I found myself rocking the most beautiful baby. She was cuddled up on my chest and holding tightly to my neckalace. I was able to feel her breathing so peacefully as we rocked and I thanked God for allowing her to come of the ventilator and oxygen. As I soaked in her baby fresh smell I could not help but shed tears for my fellow parents who lost the battles for the lives of their children this past week. How blessed I am to still be in the fight. I pray that I will never take for granted the place that I am in. I know of so many amazing parents who would gladly trade places with me so that they could rock their little ones just once more. How blessed I am. I am blessed to be her mommy. I am blessed to have her to hold. I am blessed to be the recipient of another family's kindness in the midst of their grief. I am blessed to have a husband who cares so much about my broken heart to call this morning to see if there is anything he could do to make it easier. I am blessed to have so many who love my Ashley enough to check in on her daily and to pray for her constantly. I am blessed to have such wonderful friends. I am blessed to have amazing sisters and sisters-in-laws who come to my rescue. I am blessed to have such strong, centered, talented, beautiful, children to call mine. I am blessed He forgives me when I fail to see all that I am blessed with. I am blessed, blessed, blessed, and today I will concentrate on those blessings. Thanks for loving me even when I don't deserve to be listened to and loved.

Ashley will have a scope of her new bowel today, and we all know how much she loves to help with the instrument. I am praying she feels good enough to give them a hard time. I think she is more comfortable than yesterday and I am so very thankful for that. Ash's blood pressure is trending up so they will begin a new med today to help with that. Her labs are the same and we are praying to feed her soon to help her liver enzymes come down. We appreciate all you do. Your love, support, encouragement, and prayers are keeping us going . Thank you for sticking with us as we walk the long road home back to Longview. God Bless you all. Love, Trish


At 1:24 PM , Anonymous Amy Borden said...

I believe it is ok to let out those moments when you are frustrated. The Lord has made you to be very strong and brave, and you have been a true light for Him in that way. But, sometimes it helps to let those of us praying for you know when you are having a particularly rough day. Most importantly, you recognize when you need to vent and when you need to simply be thankful for His blessings. No "shame on you" here... only grace. Praying for you today :O).

At 1:26 PM , Blogger Robin said...

Trish, I have to tell you how you continue to amaze each of us that view your journal everyday. You have more strength than any woman I know. You fill my heart with compassion with each and every line that you write, good days and bad. We are all here pulling for you and praying that you have the strength to make the most of ecery moment of every day. You, Ashley, and the rest of your family are in my prayers every day.

At 1:32 PM , Anonymous Heidi said...

I have great respect that although you are ashamed of yesterday's self-pity, you have left the post up. I have a theory in my own life: "The more transparent I am, the clearer God's light is going to shine through me." (of course this can't always work,b ecause some things need to be kept confidential, but you know what I mean.) That's what I see you doing here. Instead if hiding what you're feeling, you put it on here even if it means it's not the most Christ-like attitude to have. You then humble yourself about it without an insh of self-defense. THAT is what is really making Christ shine through you. Praise the Lord! Continuing to pray...


At 3:56 PM , Anonymous Nikki said...


Just want you to know I don't think your comments came across whiney at all. To me they were convicting of the priorities we are meant to have, but so often get out of order. GOD FIRST, then to really, REALLY show our families that they mean more than any job, pressure or social activity. You have always been really great at that.

At 5:27 PM , Blogger renovating this heart said...

no, no, no.... please don't fall victim to shame. God understands your heart and He understands your sadness. It is okay to be sad and frustrated. Your faith in a good God continues to shine through with every post... and your honesty is refreshing.

Praying for you and your family.

At 11:16 AM , Blogger Sarah's In the Midst of It said...

Sometimes, when we let others know how we're really feeling, it not only helps them know exactly what to pray for us, but it also lets them know that we're not superhuman. Your strength and beautiful outlook are made that much more inspiring when you are transparent during the dark moments. It would be impossible to only be positive and happy every minute--thank you for your transparency, and now I know to pray that God will guard you against loneliness!


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