Time goes by too Quickly

I can't believe it is 11:30 and I am just sitting down to say good night to all of you who have become like old friends and family to us. The halls in the NICU are very quiet tonigth except for in our room. My sweet Ashley has literally slept almost the entire day and is just now waking up a little to play. Her body has been working so hard the last couple of days to try and breathe that I think she just needed to catch up a little on her sleep. She sounds very "gunky" tonight and is having to be suctioned often. As she starts to choke her sats drop and the alarm sounds and the nurse comes running. They are watching her very closely tonight. Aunt Rachael has done an amazing job this week. It didn't take long for her to learn our likes and dislikes and she is wonderful at watching over Ash and making sure everything is well while I nap. She has been such a blessing.

As Ashley woke up I was able to pick her up and hold her close for a minute tonight. I kissed her puffy cheeks and smelled her sweet hair. I was overwhelmed with a feeling of gratitude as I drew her in close to me. I wanted that moment to last forever. I wanted so badly for time to stand still. How do I describe to you how good it feels and the joy that fills my heart as I hold this tiny gift that was given to me? As I watch the children slip away all around me I am just so thankful for each minute that the Father gives me with my Ashley. I am so undeserving of what He has given to me. Over the last 13 years I have dreamed of holding this little girl, but I never could have guessed just how special she would be to me and to so many others. How desperately I want to hang on to her and to never let go. I realize now more than ever how precious our time with loved ones has become. I never want to live a day without touching someone in some way. A smile, a kind word, a note of encouragement, all of these little things can mean so much to someone in a time of need. I am fueled by these things at this time in my life. As they are given to me I try to give them to others around me. I don't have time to waste with being angry over silly things, or hanging on to some unjustice I feel has been directed toward me. I just want to live every moment of every day showing those around me how precious this life is that has been given to us. My heart breaks over and over again for the loss I am witnessing of these tiny lives all around me. How do I let there mommies know how very much I grieve for their children, and how do I let them know that there is hope in Jesus. I pray that He will somehow allow them to see His light in my eyes or smile, or hear His love in my voice as I ask them if I can do anything. I pray every day for just one more day with my little Ashley and I pray that I do not have to let go of this little light in my life. I love her so very much.

I guess with all my rambling I am just trying to say that once again I realize that time is a gift. Nothing I have done or have earned, but just a gift given to me by the One who loves me more than anyone else. Time with people, time with my friends, time with my family, time with my husband, time with my Blake, times with my Allison, time with my sweet Ashley Kate, and time with a God who loved me enough to make a way to spend more time with me. Time for all eternity. How blessed I am in this life. I hope I never forget. I love you all and I pray for more time to spend with you very soon. God Bless you for spending your time on our Ashley's Story.