Trying to Understand

Some things are impossible for me to comprehend. I can not imagine my world without Ashley in it. I can not imagine my world without Allison in it. I can not imagine my world without Blake in it.

Tonight I can't imagine what Jeremiah's family is going through. Little Jeremiah will not survive. His mommy has shared with me a few of the details of his short life and her son is tired. He has tried so very hard to be strong and survive. Tonight the surgeons and doctors have given them no hope for survival. There is nothing they can do to help him. They have not gone into surgery today and they have left the decision up to his parents whether or not they will go back in and take a look tomorrow. His mommy does not know what they will do. She shared with me she does not think she can live with not knowing for sure that something could not be done, but she also knows that he is tired. How do you say good bye to your baby? How do you lay down your head knowing that you are waiting for him to take his last breath? What do you say in your prayers to God? Jeremiah's mom told me tonight that perhaps she has been praying for the wrong thing. She has been so focused on asking God to make him better, and she said she thinks she should have been praying for God's will to be done in his life. My heart is broken for her and I am at a loss for words. All I could tell her is that I love her and her baby and that I am praying for them. Is that enough? My words seem so empty .

After talking to her I went in and laid my head on Ashley's pillow. She took her tiny hand and placed it on my mouth wanting me to kiss it. I placed a thousand tiny kisses on her fingers and pleaded to the Father for another day. I do not understand how someone could survive the loss of their child. I am begging Him to give me more time with my Ashley. I am so aware that He does not owe me a thing. I am trying to live in the moment and not allow my mind to entertain the thought that she will not be with us. He gave her life not once but twice, and He is using her to make a difference in so many ways. I know He has a plan for her life. I feel it in the deepest part of me. I will not allow myself to question Him, but I can not tell you that I understand because I just don't. I am trying to be strong and I am so very thankful to Him for bringing Ashley so far, but I am scared of what may be. I want to push that fear away and for it to never come back, but it creeps into my mind when I close my eyes. I want to see Ash grow up. I want to see her grow up with her big brother and her big sister. I want to see her Daddy walk her down the aisle one day, and I want to see her become a Mommy. I want to see what she will do for Him. How selfish am I ? This can not be about me and what I want, I know it has to be about His will. How do I tell my heart to stop being so selfish. How do I pray for His will to be done in her life tonight?

God please let me stay in the present and enjoy every minute of this life with Ashley. Please don't allow me to waste a moment of her life with worry about what could happen to her. I trust you. I do. I know you are taking care of her and I know you love her so very much. Please allow me to step back and just rest knowing that Your will is perfect and that I can trust You. Please give me strength.