Ashley's Story

She will leave fingerprints all over your heart


Giving way to Praise

Let me say that yesterday was such a journey for me and my whole spirit. After feeling such joy and then such disappointment, I finally gave in to the tears and took myself to the room to go to bed. It just seemed like everything came crashing down around our little Christmas Cave all at once. In just a few short hours we had seen Ashley do the best she had since transplant and then as quickly as it came it was gone. It was all too much. As I laid my tear stained cheeks on my pillow last night I allowed myself to just be still. I tried not to think of all the sadness in my heart. I started talking to God about the journey we were traveling together. I acknowledged that there had never been one step of it that I had traveled alone. Even in the darkest, scariest moments of it I could sense His presence there with me and Ashley. I thanked Him over and over again for allowing me to be on this journey. Although my heart was broken, I knew that I would not want to be anywhere else in my life. If I am not on this path, then that means I do not have my Ashley. When I became still enough to realize once again that this too would be alright the sadness in my heart just melted and gave way to praise. I was praising Him for creating my Ashley. I was praising Him for giving her life. I was praising Him for the gift of transplant. I was praising Him for this hospital and the surgeons in it. I was praising Him for the nurses He has allowed to care for my baby and also allowed to become my friends. I was praising Him for the families of the patients I have come to know and love. I was praising Him for allowing me to be me. I was praising Him for the heart (although it is way too sensitive at times) that He gave to me. I was praising Him for my husband who carries the brunt of our situation without a complaint. I was praising Him for the amazing son and daughter I left back home that He has given to me. I was praising Him for all that He has created. I was praising Him for loving me even when I give up hope. I was praising Him for not "needing" to know me, but for wanting too. I was praising Him and then I just fell asleep.

Today Ashley's feeds have been started again, and she is still vomitting. No one seems to know why she can not tolerate them. Something that should be so simple is just so difficult for her. In order to come out of the hospital she must tolerate 50ccs of formula per hour and her fluid balance has to stabilize. Then they will pull her central line and we will pack our bags and move into an apartment. Today it seems so very far away, but I have decided to continue giving praise for this journey. There is no other place I would like to journey to, because this is the place He has brought us. This is the journey that allows us to be her mommy and daddy. This is the journey that makes us a family of 5. This is the journey that Ashley is on and I am praising Him for allowing me to travel it with her.


At 9:31 PM , Anonymous Grandma said...

What a wonderful post. Trish, I know it's got to be so very hard and sometimes I'm sure it seems like it's never going to pass, but I assure you it will and one day you will look back and understand so much more than you do now. That's just the way God works and gets us to grow and mature in Him. He really does work in very mysterious ways. I just want you to know that I see how strong you are and through Ashley's story I'm growing and learning also. God is using her to grow so many people in so many ways. What a special little Gherkin she is! There's not a day or time of day that goes by that you guys are not on my mind, in my heart, and in my prayers. Keep looking up and keep praising and watch the miracles! God is good all the time! Love and Hugs, Grandma

At 1:27 AM , Anonymous Janiece Baldwin said...

I read your post tonite and I thought how ironic is this~~~just today I was reading a statement and this is what it said:

God will give us rest. All He asks is that we come to Him....that we spend a while thinking about Him, talking to Him, listening in silence, totally and thoroughly lost in the hiding place of His presence.
Charles (Chuck) Swindoll

I would say that you were
"thoroughly lost in the hiding place of His presence" well that you fell asleep. Isn't that like God...your heart was broken and you were weighted down with a mother's love for her child. You had gone from being on the mountain top of excitement over the feeds and then just as quickly fell down into the valley of disappointment and discouragement. You just laid it all at His feet and then praised Him in all things and then....He just closed your eyes so you could rest in Him. I love it. Thank you, dear Precious Lord....for your total faithfulness, love, mercy and goodness to us.

At 8:58 PM , Blogger Erna said...

I just wish I could give you a hug. God bless you for your honest sharing here and for your ability to praise Him in the midst of your circumstances. Still praying for Ashley and your family when you come to mind.


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