Ashley's Story

She will leave fingerprints all over your heart


Broken Hearts and Hopes

Tonight as I sit to write, the tears fall freely from my eyes and I can't seem to talk. As quickly as our hearts begin to hope they become broken. If I could go back to this morning and erase the mornings blog maybe I would. This road is ugly, and it is long, and it is lonely. Our Ashley is now vomitting her feeds just like before. The progress we have made is being taken back. They have stopped Ashley's feeds and have now increased her TPN back up to 25. I have no words that bring me understanding, and the answers I once searched so desperately for seem to not matter. It just feels like we will never make it home.

If I could I would pack my baby and all of her things and run back to the safety of our home where all that we know can be found. There are days when I feel confident and strong and then there are days when my heart gets broken over and over again. Honestly, I have no right to feel as sad as I do. With all that He has done for my family I feel so much guilt for the tears that seem to flow without end. I know with all that I am that He is good and that He loves me, but that knowledge doesn't seem to stop my heart from breaking with the disappointment I feel tonight. I just so desperately want for Ash to get well enough to go home, and it doesn't look like that will be any time soon.

I had hoped for Ash to continue increasing her feeds through the next couple of weeks. I had hoped for the doctors to come in and tell us we could go. I had hoped to spend Christmas with Blake and Allie outside the walls of this hospital. I had hoped to just have time, precious time with my husband and my children as we celebrate the Saviors birth. Tonight I just don't hope. I just cry. I find myself crying for the loss of the hope I felt this morning. I find myself crying for the pain she endures. I find myself crying for not being able to turn on her Christmas lights! I find myself being so ridiculous. Maybe I just need to cry while Dave is here so I can let it all out. I just need to let him tell me that it will all be o.k. and that we will come home someday.

Please forgive me for my broken heart and for continuing on and on. My faith does not waiver in knowing that there is a plan laid out for my family, but my heart does break with the lack of understanding. Thank you for listening and thank you for coming back to her story. Your presence in our lives is appreciated.


At 11:11 PM , Anonymous Heidi said...

*hugs* and prayers

At 11:55 PM , Blogger Sarah's In the Midst of It said...

I am so sorry you've had such a hard, disappointing day. I'm praying for you all right now, and hoping that tomorrow brings hope and joy.

At 3:36 AM , Anonymous Janiece Baldwin said...

Oh Trish, You must not give up on hope even in the midst of all these trials and setbacks. Nothing would please satan more. He is working overtime in your case because he knows that you have been such a witness to so many people as you reveal Ashley's Story.

This has to be a very difficult time and understandably so, with the progress that little Ashley had made over the last couple of days and the potential of being completely off the TPN and then the vomitting returning....wham!! Like a knife in your heart so go ahead and cry all you need to but never give up hope. Don't apologize for telling of your broken heart, no need to apologize for being disappointed or for not understanding. There is no need to feel guilty for the tears you shed.

What mother could feel any different right now standing by her baby daughter as she fights for life? What mother could not feel the pain as you describe?

I pray that God will mend your broken heart and that He will put His healing touch on little Ashley. I pray that He will give you the strength and mercy you need right now. I pray that you and Dave find comfort in being together during this time.

At 8:54 AM , Anonymous Suzanne said...

You are human....we all understand your upset. You are stronger than I could ever be if in your shoes. Sometimes we have to break down & let it all out so that we can go on. God can pick up & hold you....give you peace....I know that you know all of this..... just keep reading Phillipians 4 over & over. Praying for God's peace....& healing over Ash. Praying for your family.

At 9:05 AM , Blogger renovating this heart said...

I am saddened to hear this news. The roller coaster of life gets tiring at times, doesn't it? Rest in knowing that the names of each precious member of your family are being whispered up to the LORD, the maker of Heaven and Earth, the Healer of the broken-hearted.... He will sustain you through the ups and downs and our prayers will continue. Rest and cry as often as you need to... the Lord will see your tears and hear the groaning of the Spirit on your behalf. Ashley is in GOOD, safe hands.

At 2:23 PM , Blogger Fennell family said...

We would listen to all your hurts and troubles as long as you want and need us to listen. I am so glad that Dave is there with you, so you have someone to let it all out to. We are praying that this is just another bump in the road and that the Lord will allow her to overcome this one as she has the others.

At 2:38 PM , Anonymous Regina Darby said...

Trish - It is ok to feel sad and cry! Sometimes, the tears bring a sense of relief and a restoration of strength. You are a wonderful woman and mother who only wants the best for her sweet young daughter. I will pray for you and your family as you battle this hurdle and prepare for the blessings that God has in store for you. While we do not always understand His plan, we know that He is with us through it all --- the good, the bad, and the ugly! I hate to hear that Ashley encountered this hurdle. After our conversation this morning, I just knew that she would be home soon! However, God has a plan and Ashley is such a blessing to your family and ours. Please know we love you and our prayers and thoughts are always with you!

At 4:16 PM , Blogger KT said...

Praying for your family. I pray that today will give you greater hope and joy.


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