Broken Hearts and Hopes

Tonight as I sit to write, the tears fall freely from my eyes and I can't seem to talk. As quickly as our hearts begin to hope they become broken. If I could go back to this morning and erase the mornings blog maybe I would. This road is ugly, and it is long, and it is lonely. Our Ashley is now vomitting her feeds just like before. The progress we have made is being taken back. They have stopped Ashley's feeds and have now increased her TPN back up to 25. I have no words that bring me understanding, and the answers I once searched so desperately for seem to not matter. It just feels like we will never make it home.

If I could I would pack my baby and all of her things and run back to the safety of our home where all that we know can be found. There are days when I feel confident and strong and then there are days when my heart gets broken over and over again. Honestly, I have no right to feel as sad as I do. With all that He has done for my family I feel so much guilt for the tears that seem to flow without end. I know with all that I am that He is good and that He loves me, but that knowledge doesn't seem to stop my heart from breaking with the disappointment I feel tonight. I just so desperately want for Ash to get well enough to go home, and it doesn't look like that will be any time soon.

I had hoped for Ash to continue increasing her feeds through the next couple of weeks. I had hoped for the doctors to come in and tell us we could go. I had hoped to spend Christmas with Blake and Allie outside the walls of this hospital. I had hoped to just have time, precious time with my husband and my children as we celebrate the Saviors birth. Tonight I just don't hope. I just cry. I find myself crying for the loss of the hope I felt this morning. I find myself crying for the pain she endures. I find myself crying for not being able to turn on her Christmas lights! I find myself being so ridiculous. Maybe I just need to cry while Dave is here so I can let it all out. I just need to let him tell me that it will all be o.k. and that we will come home someday.

Please forgive me for my broken heart and for continuing on and on. My faith does not waiver in knowing that there is a plan laid out for my family, but my heart does break with the lack of understanding. Thank you for listening and thank you for coming back to her story. Your presence in our lives is appreciated.