Too Little to Understand

She is just too little to understand all that is happening to her. The look in her eyes is so sad. She reaches out to ask us to hold her and help her, but she is just too little to understand why we can't. I wish she knew that the decisions we have made for her have been to give her life and not to cause her pain. One day when she is growing up I hope to help her understand why she has to be poked and prodded, why she must take so many meds, why she has to go see so many doctors, and why sometimes things just have to hurt. Ashley's day has been somewhat uneventful. She has spiked a temp of 102 tonight so in came the troops to draw her blood. It broke my heart to watch them hold her down because she is now awake and aware when things are hurting her. She has spent most of her day fighting against the vent. She really does not think it is a good idea to be on it. She just shakes from side to side with a very uncomfortable look on her face. Our nurse has just given her some sleepy medicine, some temperature medicine, and some "just cool it" medicine and as I look over at her now I see that she has finally drifted off to sleep.

Tonight at dinner I was thinking of what I wanted most for my Ashley. As I watch Ash struggle at this time the thing I want most for her is LIFE. I just want for her to live. I want for her to be happy. I want to see her smile and I want her to know how very much she is loved. I want her to know Him and I want her to tell the story, her story, of all the wonderful things He has done for her. I want her to know that there is nothing that her mom and dad would not do for her. I want her to know how much she is loved and adored by her big brother and sister. I just want for Ashley to know that she is here for the purpose of bringing glory to Him. Her life was created to tell others of the One who created her. As I dream of Ashley's future things that I used to think were important just fade into the background. Talent, beauty, opportunity, education, none of these are important at this time. The important things are the things that I hope will never go away. Her love for the Lord. Her ability to breathe. Her opportunity to laugh. A joy deep in her heart from loving Jesus. A grateful heart. What could be more important than these? She doesn't need to be the most beautiful or the most talented child. She doesn't have to be popular or brilliant. All I want for her is LIFE. It is a good life He has given to our little family. It is a blessed life. It is a life that I will no longer take for granted as I watch my youngest fight to have it.

Tonight I am thanking Him for the time He has given Ashley and I with her Daddy, her grandma, and her brother. It has been wonderful, and I am not looking forward to it ending. We are already counting the days until someone will be coming back to see us. Ash and I will start traveling this road alone for the next couple of weeks. I am a little frightened, but I am sure we can do this. We have been through a similar time before after she was born and we survived. One thing it has taught us is how precious the time with our family truly is. Thank you for checking on our Ashley today. Your presence on this website is felt and appreciated. How good it feels to know that you care enough to keep coming back and to keep praying for our little one. Take care and may He bless you tonight and tomorrow with His presence.