SECURITY ALERT!!!

OK, I know this is a long post, but I do have a point.

SECURITY ALERT !!

SECURITY ALERT !!

I thought after my last trip up here with Allie I had it all figured out. When Allie and I came last time I was asked if I had any liquids and I answered no. Well as we were going through security they found a tube of sparkly lip gloss and a bottle of nail polish in Allies bag. This is a big NO NO as I may have been planning a horrendous deed involving lip gloss and nail polish. Now I understand security and I want to be protected but when did we become absolutely ridiculous? I was told that if I had a ziplock bag I could bring these two dangerous substances. Now, let us think this through for a moment. Let's assume for a moment that I had drained the lip gloss and filled it with substance A. I also drained the nail polish and filled it with substance B. If I were to mix substance A and substance B some very bad things could take place. Now, the TSA and Dept. of Homeland Security have solved this problem by making me put substance A and substance B inside the ziplock bag. OK I guess the ziplock bag is supposed to accomplish one of two of the following things. Either I am supposed to be smart enough to get the liquids into a ziplock, seal it and put it in my bag, but not smart enough to actually open the ziplock bag in flight or I suppose the ziplock bag has been designed to contain the explosion of substance A plus substance B or to contain the toxic fumes produced by the mixing of substance A and substance B. Hmmmm???

Let us skip ahead to today's fun. I arrived at the airport really early as I have been told to do. Now I know they want me there so early so they can mess with me. I was the forth person screened and Blake was the fifth. I must tell you that we are flying out of Gregg County so we are not expecting alot of excitement. There are not 3, not 4, not 5, but 6 TSA employees. I think there were more TSA security personnel than actual passengers on our flight! First I am questioned and interviewed before I go though the metal detector by TSA guy #1 while TSA guy #2 watches. At the same time TSA guy #3 and TSA gal #4 are looking at my shoes on the X-ray. I pass through the metal detector and there is nothing suspicious on the X-ray, however TSA guy #5 asks me to step to the side for "some additional screening" aka, we need TSA guy #6 to get some more training with the metal detector wand and how to search people while TSA gal #4 does said training. So I step to the side and we begin. He was very professional I will give him that. No doubt from the thousands of tax dollars we spent on his sensitivity training. If I had a half a BB hidden somewhere on my body TSA guy #6 would have found it. He didn't do the quick little wand me over, No, TSA guy #6 was in training and he had something to prove to TSA gal #4. The wand made the beep in two places. First around my necklace so I showed him my necklace than he patted all around my neck to make sure the necklace was all alone. Next it beeped around my zipper. OK, I thought its just a zipper no problem, surely TSA guy #6 learned about zippers in TSA guy school. Well he did, but he also learned how to inspect them. I had to roll my pants down so he could pat down the zipper, although being a good government employee he has to rely on his sensitivity training so he uses the back of his hand for the pat down in this area. After the most intensive wanding I have ever had he told me it was time for the pat down. I thought I just got the pat down? Nope....He did each arm and each leg very very completely. He then did more private areas with the back of his hand just to make sure I was comfortable. Oh yeah, I am feeling really comfortable while you do this with the privacy of a glass wall seperating me from the other passenges.

OK so we finally get on our plane and get going. The layover in Dallas was about 3 hours so we had some nice dinner then we got on the Skylink which is the little train that take you from one terminal to another. The thing stopped in the middle of the track not so close to any place to get off. After a minute or two a voice comes on the speakers (it sounded very much like the guy at the fast food restaurant who tries to read your order back to you) and tells us that they are experiencing difficulties. OK we have plenty of time to kill so no problem. It really wasn't that big of a deal. The only bad part was when they kept coming on the fast food joint speakers trying to reassure us that all is fine. So after 10-12 minutes we finally get going and catch our flight to Omaha.

In Omaha we go to pick up our luggage. We are in Omaha and it is cold here so I open up Blake's backpack where I had packed my coat. While pulling out my coat there is one of the weirdest smells I have ever smelled. Sitting on top of my coat is a note from the TSA (oh great not these guys again) telling me that they have searched my bags in order to keep me safe. Great at least they are doing their jobs. And doing it quite well today. OK, so they searched my bags, but what did they do to it to make it smell so terrible? The bag contained my camera and my best hypothesis is that they sprayed some type of chemical all over my stuff which glows under a special light if I have bomb residue or something like that. Seems like a logical guess to me. Didn't think much more of it. We got the rental car put the bags in the trunk and headed to the hospital.

As we are driving this weird smell is creeping from the trunk and filling the car. When we arrived at the hospital we opened the trunk and were hit by this awful smell. We entered the hospital and were greeted by security. Oh great here we go again. This guy asked a few questions and called the room to make sure we were welcome. I got past him pretty easy, but he doesn't work for the TSA does he? We finally made it to the room and we are telling Trish, Ash and Grandma hello. Trish has this weird look on her face. I know she smells us. The cologne didn't work. I explain to her the note the TSA left in the bag and that they stink is the luggage not us. This relieved her fears that Blake and I had simultaneously had the worst gas of our lives and we had both found relief just as we entered Ashley's room.

We took the luggage to the hotel room and we began to empty the bags so we could put them in the washing machine. While emptying Blake's backpack Trish found a little surprise. It seems that she had packed some broccoli in a ziplock bag and put it in Blake's backpack for a snack when she was home over 6 weeks ago. The broccoli had decomposed in the ziplock bag, but because ziplock bags were designed to contain explosions and toxic fumes it had done its job. The bag had performed magnificently. It has contained the toxic fumes until.......Yep you guessed it. My nemesis the TSA guys had opened the bag of broccoli for inspection and neglected close it back up. You would think they could have at least thrown it out for us but instead they let the liquid broccoli ooze all over Blake's bag. I guess throwing out bad broccoli just would not be sensitive. They will take away your little girls lip gloss and nail polish but they will let you boy keep his broccoli.

So now I really do have it figured out. I am thinking next time I fly I need to show up wearing nothing but a giant ziplock bag and then I won't have any worries.

Acunamatada!!!