Ashley's Story

She will leave fingerprints all over your heart

12/26/2006

Struggling for Words

I have spent most of the day doing my best to avoid this journal. I am struggling for words. Not just any words, but the right words. How careless my words must have been in the past. Perhaps the randomness of my thoughts or feelings caused some to wonder just who I am. What mother would allow her child to endure all of this? What mother would choose such a difficult situation for her family and her two healthy children? What mother would open up the heart of her family to become so vulnerable to the world? In all honesty, I must admit that I have often wondered what kind of mother would do these things. As I search for the answer to these questions I continually find myself saying, "The kind of mother that I want to be. One that will not give up. One that owes it to all of my children to do the right thing no matter how difficult it may be. One that strives to teach them that God is gracious, and kind, and merciful, and just, and loving, and faithful."

On this journey that I find Ashley and myself walking hand in hand, I have learned many things. I have learned to love more. I have learned to laugh harder. I have learned to smile bigger. I have learned to understand deeper. I have learned to value my "treasures". I have learned to forgive fully. I have learned to judge never. I have learned to offer honesty always. I have learned to respect. I have learned to take the good that people have to offer and to leave the bad behind.

I would like to say that although my heart hurt and my tears fell, I appreciate the honesty in which the words were spoken. I respect the one who was brave enough to pose the questions that I am afraid many may be asking. I am grateful for the wisdom used in signing "anonymously". This allows me not to harbor hard feelings towards you. Now I am able to look at your post without passing judgement on anyone, and just pray that you will return to our journal again. I pray that you have not been hurt by the response the comments received. I pray that you too love my Ashley enough to continue praying for God's will in her life. I pray that you will not judge me too harshly for wanting my daughter to live. I pray that you will be able to see that my heart is honest and that my "ramblings" are unrehearsed. I pray that somehow you will truly see me and know that I am doing the best that I can to be the mom that all 3 of my children deserve. I am not angry. I am searching for His will, and I am praying that if it could be His will for my daughter to grow up that He will hear my plea and grant my hearts desire. How I wish I could share with you ALL of my Ashley's story. If only you knew of ALL the wonderful things that only GOD Himself could orchestrate in her life. I think you would understand me a little more and that you would see that although I am afraid of what His perfect will might hold for my daughter it is what I must seek from Him. I choose to believe that the words posted early this morning were meant for good and not evil. I choose to believe that they came from a sincere heart who had no intention of causing me pain.

Again God has been good to my family. He has given us another day with our sweet girl, and He continues to teach me lessons through her life. I am not perfect. I am not super mom. I am not really anything other than saved by His grace. I am a believer. I am a wife. I am a mother, and I don't know how to be anything else. Thank you for your encouraging words. Thank you for wanting to protect us from hurtful words. Thank you for loving Ashley, and thank you for praying us through another tough one. I truly, truly love and appreciate each one who willingly comes to share Ashley's Story.

23 Comments:

At 7:12 PM , Blogger Dawn said...

I come again to comment, I had typed one earlier and closed out before posting thinking, why ramble on so. Again, I want to say WHAT an enormous testimony you are. Here I am annoyed that I run into daily problems, so much so I get angry, discouraged...and yet I come here and listen to your posts and listen to you talk about your life, and am daily AMAZED at your strength, you ALL lift me up...you make me STRIVE to be the person God wants me to be. All of these prayers throughout the country, just think of all the people who don't daily pray or talk with God, who now have a one on one with him in reference for your daughter....What a GIFT Ashley is to all of us. A closer walk with God is an amazing thing, and all due to Ashley's story. Thank you so very much for touching my life this year.

 
At 7:13 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Trish, you do not know me, yet I feel we know each other. Your sweet Ashley has her whole life ahead of her. We lost a dear child several months ago. Losing her was so hard. I pray your little one will be able to grow and learn to love our Lord in all the ways you plan to teach her.

Do not be concerned with the post , our Lord is leading you.

 
At 7:49 PM , Anonymous Suzanne said...

Psalm 126:5 "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy."

James 1:12 " Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."

Nobody is perfect....we have all sinned & fallen short .... (You are an amazing mom & you are doing such a wonderful job). Your children are all so very blessed to have such wonderful role models.

Praying for a harvest of joy for you & "expecting a miracle".

Hang in there. Sounds as though today has been rough in more ways than one. Praying....
Love in Christ.....

 
At 8:05 PM , Blogger Ginger said...

rose611Regarding God's will for Ashley, I am reminded that even King David when told by God's Prophet, that his child would die fasted and continued to ask God to spare his child. The Word says that he prayed and fasted for seven days. He did not stop until in fact his child died. We are told that we have not because we ask not. So we will continue to pray and ask God to heal Ashley knowing God will accomplish His will in Asley. We can trust Him.

 
At 8:22 PM , Blogger Sarah's In the Midst of It said...

Trish, you continue to be a testimony of God's grace and goodness! I think you must be a much better woman than I; I would still be angry and hurt if that comment had been directed to me!

Your words of grace and love to the commenter--on a very difficult day for you--remind me to hold my tongue and keep my temper in check!

What a blessing you are to the many who read your writings. I've never questioned why you would go through all of this; what mother wouldn't go to the ends of the earth and back for her child? And by sharing your heart through it all, you inspire, encourage, and bless those who read it. Thank you:)

 
At 8:41 PM , Blogger OneCoolMama said...

Thank you, Trish, for being such a great living example of God's grace, goodness, and love. Your writings are so honest and authentic, and so encouraging. Traveling such a difficult road, yet still trusting God in each step. May He bless your family in a special way today.

 
At 10:04 PM , Anonymous Karen said...

Trish, as these comments have suggested, you are such a powerful witness to those of us who check on Ashley's progress several times a day. You are everything a mommy should be and so much more than many of us would be in your situation. God has called you to be Ashley's mommy, and he has called you to be Blake and Allie's mommy, and he has called you to be Dave's wife, so you know He is equipping you in each of these callings to be who you need to be. I am blessed by your family's perseverance and faith, and I know that God is smiling on you because you are allowing Him to use this situation for His glory. Please do not avoid the journal for fear of making any of us weary. We would not keep reading it daily if we did not want to read what you post. Know that you are loved by oh so many, even by those of us who have never met you in person. Lots of love and many hugs from Texas.

 
At 10:07 PM , Blogger Kathie Brown said...

Even your graciousness is an encouragement for all of us who read your post. You will never know how God has used you and your situation to encourage me and countless others. One of my favortie expressions is it not about me, it is about God. Sometimes, when circumstances seem to be against me, I want to think why is this happening to me. Then I am reminded that all things happen to bring glory to God and what is happening to me might not be about me but the bigger picture.

 
At 10:08 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are an inspiration to all mothers. I pray for your family every day. My 3 yr old granddaughter knows who "Baby Ashley" is....she sees her picture around town. Your journal has given me more than you could ever know. Me heart goes out to you and Ash..Blake and Allie, and crazy Dave. He sounds like the greatest husband in the world (after mine of course!) I cannot wait to meet you and Ashley after you make it home one of these days. She has such a strong spirit. God is using you and your family to bless so many others. May God continue to bless YOU. You are such a strong person. I pray that the New Year brings Ashley and you home. Keep on with the fight....peace be with you all.

 
At 10:08 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are an inspiration to all mothers. I pray for your family every day. My 3 yr old granddaughter knows who "Baby Ashley" is....she sees her picture around town. Your journal has given me more than you could ever know. Me heart goes out to you and Ash..Blake and Allie, and crazy Dave. He sounds like the greatest husband in the world (after mine of course!) I cannot wait to meet you and Ashley after you make it home one of these days. She has such a strong spirit. God is using you and your family to bless so many others. May God continue to bless YOU. You are such a strong person. I pray that the New Year brings Ashley and you home. Keep on with the fight....peace be with you all.

 
At 10:09 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are an inspiration to all mothers. I pray for your family every day. My 3 yr old granddaughter knows who "Baby Ashley" is....she sees her picture around town. Your journal has given me more than you could ever know. Me heart goes out to you and Ash..Blake and Allie, and crazy Dave. He sounds like the greatest husband in the world (after mine of course!) I cannot wait to meet you and Ashley after you make it home one of these days. She has such a strong spirit. God is using you and your family to bless so many others. May God continue to bless YOU. You are such a strong person. I pray that the New Year brings Ashley and you home. Keep on with the fight....peace be with you all.

 
At 10:14 PM , Blogger Troy and Melanie said...

Just remember....only one comment has been posted that has caused you to second guess all you feel right, now just one....out of the hundreds of postings you have recieved. Most people talk about your amazing faith and testimonies. Your are totally honest, and hold nothing back....that touched more people than you will ever know. IF you only posted the good things, we couldn't possibly see what all God is doing in your lives to teach us all some very valuable lessons. Obviously it IS HIS WILL that Ashley is still here with us, because she is. Her work isn't finished...she has many more hearts to touch!! So don't second guess your prayers for your daughter....it never hurts to ask the Father....He doesn't have to answer every one of our prayers the way we hope for, but we all know that ultimately it is His decision. If we feel it, we might as well pray it, after all, He knows our hearts better than anyone. Our prayers are continuing for you guys. I know there have been many hills, valleys, and even mountains....and God will continue to see you through them all!! I know you could all use a big hug right now, but since we can't be there to give you one, I pray that the Father would just wrap His arms around you, and give you that reassurance you need as His children!! Much love and prayers.

 
At 10:22 PM , Anonymous Regina D. said...

Trish and Dave - Continue to put your faith and trust in the Lord and He will provide for your family. You're great parents and I admire your strength and determination. No one can understand what you are going through. We can only pray and ask Him to give you peace and joy. I will always admire you both. Regina D.

 
At 10:38 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Food for thought.....

Even Jesus prayed at Gethsemene what was on his heart....

"Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." Matthew 26:39 (NIV)

 
At 2:26 AM , Anonymous Heidi said...

Continuing to pray. I wish I had more words of encouragement for you.

 
At 2:51 AM , Anonymous Janiece Baldwin said...

Trish, As I read the comments right here I see over and over that that each one is in awe of your faith and trust in Jesus. Each one of these comments tells of your grace, your strength, your goodness, your inspiration, your faith, etc. That is because of your witness, that has been your testimony through all the struggles. That most definately brings honor and glory to the Lord.

Many have shared that they have grown closer to the Lord through Ashley's Story, many have shared what a blessing you have been to them. You are touching lives that may have never have sensed the love of God without Ashley's Story. Who knows, you may never know how many. Only God knows and that is all that really matters.

Acts 1:8, NKJV says,
"But you shall receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be witnesses to Me in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth."

Psalm 32:9 says,
"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go. I will guide you with My eye."

Keep your eyes focussed on Him and keep trusting Him, keep clinging to His promises. We are here with you, traveling alongside you down the path of wherever Ashley's Story leads. God bless you and your family. We love you~~~

 
At 6:22 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sending so much love and unceasing prayers for your entire family, and especially for dear Ashley. Thank you for sharing her story and her life with us. It is such an honor, privilege, and blessing to be able to know you all, even just through this page.
May God richly bless you today.

 
At 6:29 AM , Blogger Tambi said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 6:31 AM , Blogger Tambi said...

Keep the faith, keep praying and keep us up to date. We are keeping Ashley and your family in our thoughts and prayers and are maintaining a lively hope that one day (soon) there will be nothing but positive reports coming our way. May God give you peace through this day and everyday! We love you, and more importantly God does, too!

 
At 7:28 AM , Blogger KT said...

Trish, you are such a forgiving person. What an example in your times of trial. I would be blowing smoke from my ears. Thank you for still posting here. There are so many who love you and your family and are Ashley's biggest cheerleaders. I think it's amamzing how bloggers are a new kind of community. We would never "meet" otherwise. May God give you strength today. God bless Ashley today.
Katy

 
At 11:17 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

God bless you and your family.

Remember that God's Will is obviously being done. He knows every hair on her little head, and is keeping her alive for a purpose.

You, as a mother, have every right in the world to pray for your child's life and recovery, If it was not God's will, he would say "No", but he has said "Yes".

Please, don't give up on your child. Pray that your will be matched with God, and that your sweet daughter's life will florish.

-Lauren

 
At 11:55 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I dont know how I came about finding this site..but I DO know why I keep coming back. Praying for you and yours. You truly are an inspiration to all mothers who are dealing with decisions for their children each day! Thank you for your honesty and truth!

 
At 12:01 PM , Blogger Ivey Elizabeth Sirmans said...

You are doing an absolute wonderful job. Your decisions are hard. Nothing could ever prepare you for your situation. It is easy to sit in the cheap seats and make decisions based on hindsight. Ashley is an inspiration to us all - especially Ivey. They are kindred spirits. We pray for you daily.
Gwen

 

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home