Struggling for Words

I have spent most of the day doing my best to avoid this journal. I am struggling for words. Not just any words, but the right words. How careless my words must have been in the past. Perhaps the randomness of my thoughts or feelings caused some to wonder just who I am. What mother would allow her child to endure all of this? What mother would choose such a difficult situation for her family and her two healthy children? What mother would open up the heart of her family to become so vulnerable to the world? In all honesty, I must admit that I have often wondered what kind of mother would do these things. As I search for the answer to these questions I continually find myself saying, "The kind of mother that I want to be. One that will not give up. One that owes it to all of my children to do the right thing no matter how difficult it may be. One that strives to teach them that God is gracious, and kind, and merciful, and just, and loving, and faithful."

On this journey that I find Ashley and myself walking hand in hand, I have learned many things. I have learned to love more. I have learned to laugh harder. I have learned to smile bigger. I have learned to understand deeper. I have learned to value my "treasures". I have learned to forgive fully. I have learned to judge never. I have learned to offer honesty always. I have learned to respect. I have learned to take the good that people have to offer and to leave the bad behind.

I would like to say that although my heart hurt and my tears fell, I appreciate the honesty in which the words were spoken. I respect the one who was brave enough to pose the questions that I am afraid many may be asking. I am grateful for the wisdom used in signing "anonymously". This allows me not to harbor hard feelings towards you. Now I am able to look at your post without passing judgement on anyone, and just pray that you will return to our journal again. I pray that you have not been hurt by the response the comments received. I pray that you too love my Ashley enough to continue praying for God's will in her life. I pray that you will not judge me too harshly for wanting my daughter to live. I pray that you will be able to see that my heart is honest and that my "ramblings" are unrehearsed. I pray that somehow you will truly see me and know that I am doing the best that I can to be the mom that all 3 of my children deserve. I am not angry. I am searching for His will, and I am praying that if it could be His will for my daughter to grow up that He will hear my plea and grant my hearts desire. How I wish I could share with you ALL of my Ashley's story. If only you knew of ALL the wonderful things that only GOD Himself could orchestrate in her life. I think you would understand me a little more and that you would see that although I am afraid of what His perfect will might hold for my daughter it is what I must seek from Him. I choose to believe that the words posted early this morning were meant for good and not evil. I choose to believe that they came from a sincere heart who had no intention of causing me pain.

Again God has been good to my family. He has given us another day with our sweet girl, and He continues to teach me lessons through her life. I am not perfect. I am not super mom. I am not really anything other than saved by His grace. I am a believer. I am a wife. I am a mother, and I don't know how to be anything else. Thank you for your encouraging words. Thank you for wanting to protect us from hurtful words. Thank you for loving Ashley, and thank you for praying us through another tough one. I truly, truly love and appreciate each one who willingly comes to share Ashley's Story.