Ashley's Story

She will leave fingerprints all over your heart

1/15/2007

I love Her...

I love her. Thats it. Nothing more, nothing less. When I say that I love my Ashley I mean that I love her with every part of my being. She did not come from me, but she is a part of me. I need her. She is a part of us. We would not be "us" without her. Thank you God for letting me keep her. I was so very scared and I know I failed again, but you were merciful and you allowed her to stay with me. I owe you so very much. Thank you that today was not the day I had to give her back. Thank you for hearing my desperate crys. Thank you for letting me love her.

I don't think I can come up with the words to express the fear that overwhelmed me. It was so very close to my worst nightmare. Only God allowed me to keep her instead of receiving her. My heart broke. Physical pain ran through it. The tears have not stopped. My eyes burn from them. I am broken. My spirit is in pieces, but yet I still give Him praise because He did not take her home. My crys, my pleas, my prayers were so ugly. "NO,NO,NO,NO,NO". Not now, not today, not now, not today. God please, God please, God please." I must have cried them out loud a thousand times. I could not breathe. There came a point where I could no longer stand. I slumped to the floor and cried in a puddle with Kiley's mommy. I would stop and think," This is not happening. What happened to my baby. Somebody tell me this is not real. Then my crys, my pleas, my prayers would start all over again, and again, and again. My head is still reeling from the events of today. They all happened so fast. One test led to another, to another, and then before I could think I was signing consent papers for the needle and the drain to enter into the sack that so tenderly holds her tiny heart. I was told they only have to perform this once or twice a year on their transplant patients. Next I was told not to worry that what actually did happen to my Ashley only happens about 5%of the time. I still don't understand why she went into cardiac arrest. Neither do they. Tonight we are walking a fine line. Her vitals are stable. She is fighting the vent. She will not go down without a fight. They continue trying to sedate her but she opened her eyes and shook her head. She kicks her tiny bunny clad feet at them, and she waves her arms. She is there. She is fighting to wake up. She does not want to leave. She knows she has a purpose in this life. They tell me they do not know how long her heart had stopped. They did CPR on her for a full 10 minutes. They do not know if there was a lack of oxygen to her brain, but I am praising because she is physically fighting them every step of the way. I am praising because even after suffering cardiac arrest her lab work looks stable. I am praising because her blood gases are amazing us that they look as good as they do after what her body just went through, and they continue improving every hour. Only God can do this. Only God led us to this transplant center with this AMAZING staff of doctors and nurses who acted so quickly and knew exactly what must be done for her. I will forever be grateful to them.

Tonight I almost lost my youngest daughter and as she was fighting to stay with us, I was fighting to keep the best parts of me alive. As a parent, the instinct that kicks in when your child is dying can not be explained. I am not me without Blake, Allison, or Ashley. I would not be the same without them. If I could find a blessing in all of this it would be that my Sweet Ashley Kate is still with us and she is fighting to stay. I thank God for the spirit and the strength He gave her. If only I could be 1/2 the person she is. I love her...

8 Comments:

At 10:57 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

From one mom to another.....HUGE HUGS.....I can only imagine....I too am praising God for each blessing of today in the midst of the storm.....HE IS ALIVE & ON HIS THRONE!!! We give HIM all the glory that Ash is still with us....she is still an amazing little girl with a fantastic family to match.... Praying in Texas....(= Much love to you Adams family..... The Sanders

 
At 11:06 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

My friend called me tonight to let me know that Ashley was on our prayer chain at Edmond Road Baptist Church. I was shocked to hear she went into cardiac arrest. I pray that she will recover from this misfortune just as she has in the past. God knows and He is in control. That is the only constant we have. God Bless. Remonica

 
At 11:11 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Trish, I have not been able to read in a couple of days, and I just couldn't believe what I read tonight. The pain you must have gone through when the cardiac arrest happened is more than I could ever imagine. Our prayers are with you as you wait, wait, wait and God heals little Ashley as He has done so many times before. May you feel the support from so many people and feel most of all, God's comfort right now at this moment. We love you.

 
At 11:12 PM , Blogger KM said...

How great is Our God...rings thru my heart right now. I don't know His plans for Ashley...but I know He has plans. My heart aches tonight for you...my prayer is that we prayer warriors might be able to carry some of your pain.

My heart broke once...in a similar pain. Words left me for days...I did not know what to pray...except, Oh Father. Thy will be done. I pray those words for you, Ashley, and your entire family right now.

Amen!

 
At 11:16 PM , Blogger Sarah said...

Praising God that she is still with you; hoping with you and praying for you. Sending love from Texas.

 
At 11:38 PM , Blogger Troy and Melanie said...

Thank you Father for pulling Ashley through this valley, please continue holding her and the rest of her family in the palm of Your hands. We know You are in control of every situation. Just continue to guide the doctors as they treat Ashley, give Trish the strength she needs to endure each day, and Dave also Lord, I know how helpless he must feel...He is a source of strength for Trish, just help him through this rough time. Help them through each decision they must make and give their hearts peace that they have made all the right decisions. I know they are seeking Your will, and we have all seen Your mighty hands at work in Ashley's life. We thank You for the fighting spirit that you have given this little girl. She is and will continue to be an inspiration to us all. Thank You for another day with Ashley....as we all drift off to sleep we are thankful to know You are watching over us all. In Your Precious Name I Pray, Amen.

 
At 5:09 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lifting you, Ashley, Dave, Allison and Blake up in prayer. Praise God for all he is doing. He is with you..........always.

EHugs and Lots of Love,
Marva

 
At 6:00 AM , Blogger Lacey said...

Praying for Ashley. And for your heartache.

Here are the song lyrics from Third Day's "Mountain of God". They sing it better than I could say it...
"Thought that I was all alone
Broken and afraid
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

And I didn't even know
That I had lost my way
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

'Til You opened up my eyes
I never knew
That I couldn't ever make it
Without You

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

As I travel on the road
That You have lead me down
You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me
I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found
That You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me

I confess from time to time
I lose my way
But You are always there
To bring me back again

Sometimes I think of where it is I've come from
And the things I've left behind
But of all I've had, what I possessed
Nothing can quite compare
With what's in front of me
With what's in front of me"

 

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