Fussy and Irritable
It may surprise you to know that I am talking about my sweet Ashley and NOT me. She is so grumpy! The oncology team just stopped by and said, "Steroids." That's the answer. That is what makes my sweet baby turn into a grumpy baby. I am having a difficult time sneaking over here to post anything short or long because she just wants to yell at me if I am not holding her. What I have figured out this afternoon is that she yells at me even if I am holding her so I have laid her in her crib to yell at Blue for a little while. Lets see how much Blue and Steve appreciate her little attitude.
After spending 5 months in this hospital you begin to get very familiar with the employees who work here. We have been to CT more times than I can count and the staff in there know us pretty well by now. This morning while I was there the nurse who was pushing the contrast into Ashley's line looked up and said, "This just isn't fair! Why is she still here in the hospital?" My answer to her was the same one I tell to myself on a daily basis, "I just know there is a purpose. I believe God has a plan and He is working it." She looked at me and said, "Well, I just think it STINKS!"(that's not the word she used but I know several children who read Ashley's journal and I think you can figure out what she said). She looked at me like I was crazy. I told her, "I can't explain it. I just have to believe or I couldn't continue day after day." She wished us well and I thanked her, but I could tell she thought that I had lost my mind. So as I think about our conversation this is what I know. I know that this doesn't seem fair, but neither was the cross. I know that Ash has done nothing to deserve all that she endures, but neither did Jesus. I know that my Ashley was innocent and that she is paying the price for the poor decisions of others, but so was Jesus. He was innocent. He paid the price for my sins. He suffered because of the poor decisions that I have made in my life. Please don't misunderstand my statements. I am in no way comparing my daughter with Jesus. I am simply sharing with you what gets us through day after day. Things are not easy. Things are not always just. Things don't always seem to be fair, but I know that God is good. He is holy. He is righteous. He is just. I believe that He is allowing my Ashley to endure these circumstances so that one day she might bring others to Him. She might share her story and tell of His grace to one who has never known His grace. This is what I believe. I may be wrong, but this is what keeps us going forward.
Well, our fussy little bundle of baby girl has fussed herself to sleep. She has a long way to go. The next six weeks will determine if we will be heading home to Texas or not. It was frightening to look at her lab work this morning and to see how very low her counts are. As low as they are today they are still not low enough to fight the cancer. They plan to take them all the way down to where she has nothing left to defend herself against disease or infection with. Once she is wiped out then they will begin to build them back up. At this time she is very susceptible to infection. She must wear a mask as we go through the halls for tests. We are trying to keep her as isolated as possible. Anyone who enters our room must be fully gowned, gloved, and masked before opening the door. We are doing the best we can to protect her and then we leave the rest in His hands. She can do this. She is the tiniest, toughest little pickle I have ever seen, and I am thankful to be her mommy even if she has become a "little" fussy and irritable. Thanks for caring today. Thanks for checking in on her. Your prayers are appreciated. Trish