Not of God
Fear, panic, chaos, confusion, desperation, cancer, I just don't believe these things are of God. I refuse to allow myself to believe that He would be any part of these things. I do believe He will be a part of the way we handle what has been given to us. It is up to us to allow Him to do what He will in her life and in our reaction to this cancer.
Tumors, T cells, B cells, bone marrow, lymphomas, chemo, spinal taps, are not in my area of expertise. Pony tails, baseball games, hair bows, Play stations, chocolate chip cookies, polly pockets, birthday parties are more my area. I shared with Dave just last week as he once again tried to teach me how to post pictures on the website that I honestly don't believe I could learn one more thing. There is no where to store any thing new in my brain. I am all tapped out. So as I met with the oncology team this morning to "learn" all about our options I just stared back at them. Nothing is registering with me. It is all so very foreign to me at this point. Cancer might as well be a remote island on the other side of the world. I have been dropped here and I haven't learned the language yet. I am lost and I don't have a map. Today they will do an MRI of Ashley's brain. They are looking for tumors. Tomorrow they will do a spinal tap and a bone marrow biopsy. They are looking for cancer cells in her Central Nervous System. By the end of the week we should have a plan in action and a direction to follow. If we can avoid finding the cancer in her CNS then we have a really good shot at beating this thing. If it is there then we will begin an aggressive form of chemo therapy as early as next week. Right now, we have decreased her level of immunosuppresants to give her body a fighting chance against the cancers. We are now walking the very fine line between rejection and cancer. It will not be easy to stay on this line that has been drawn in between. There will more than likely be periods of time where we fall off on the side of cancer(like today) and then times when we step to the side of being in rejection. The ultimate goal is life. If we have to lose an organ to beat cancer and continue living then that is what we do.
I think I shared with you a conversation that Dave and I had the 14th day of Ashley's life. I called him and said, "I think God may be closing the door. They are telling me we probably have no chance of ever becoming Ashley's parents." He answered me, "Trish, what if He isn't closing the door but He is saying to us, "How far will you go? Are you willing to take one more step?" we jumped in the car and began taking that one more step which ultimately led us to becoming our sweet Ashley's mommy and daddy. May I share with you that I am willing to take one more step, and if I am asked to take another and another and another then I will. There is nothing I will not do for her. Ashley's mommy loves her. Her daddy loves her. Her brother loves her. Her sister loves her. Her grandmas love her. Her grandpas love her. Her aunts and uncles love her. Her cousins love her. Her church family loves her. Her friends love her. Her prayer warriors love her. Her nurses love her. Her community loves her. Her Creator loves her. I have never come across one person who has "met" with my Ashley's story that did not love her. I owe it to you, to them, to myself, to our family, to our volunteers, to our church, to our God, and to our Ashley Kate to get strong. I will do this with her. She deserves a mommy who will not crumble at the thought of cancer. She has come through worse. Never in a million years would I have imagined we would meet with transplant surgeons, cardiologists, and now oncologists. He is really stretching me.
As I watch the snow fall outside our window I smile inside my heart knowing that if He took the time to create each of those snowflakes in their own individuality and if He knows just how many He is sharing with us today then I know He created every part of my Ashley's body and He already knows how many cancer cells are there for us to beat. We won't have to fight this one alone. He cares.
My fear, my panic, the chaos surrounding me, is not of God. He will do great things if we allow it to be done.
P.S.
Thanks Dave for the flowers. You made me smile and thats what you are good at doing. I look forward to holding your hand as you rock your baby girl on Thursday night. I love you.
posted by Ashley @ 11:37 AM
17 Comments:
Yet again, I stand amazed with you! Here I sit all morning with tears streaming down my face and stomach in knots because I am Mad, I want so desperately for Ashley to be healed and come home with her family. If I were in your place, I would have lost it, But you portray so much strength and so much Faith. It is so inspiring for me to read. The anger and saddness that overtook me this morning is starting to disappear.. This is not my little one or my family, but I am a mother and I just hurt so deeply for you. I want her to get better. I am amazed at your ability to see beyond this ugly disease! God has given you a path that He knows you can face. He does have a Plan for this little one and I know he is there helping you find it! Thank you for sharing her story and for giving all of us the inspiration to stay here and fight with you.
Keep faith. Take the steps.
Trish we are all pulling for you guys. Still praying here in Alabama! You are an inspiration. Thank you for your determination. We asre going to pray you and the rest of your family through this and God will do the healing! God is the greatest physcian!
Trish, I am literally in tears typing this. I spent hours during the night last night praying for you, Ashley and your family. My husband and I are both just heartbroken over this news. He doesn't even read your journal--just hears the updates from me--and we both love your little Ashley from far away. My heart has been hurting since I read the news last night and the tears spring easily to my eyes. I can't even begin to imagine what you are feeling right now. That precious baby girl... your baby girl... she is Jesus' baby girl, and I know that He is working in her body right now, performing His perfect will.
As I prayed fervently for you last night, the scripture that kept coming to mind was Psalm 91. It's too long to write out here, but please, if you have just a moment, read through it. He is covering you with his feathers, and under His wings you will find safety...
Isaiah 40:28-31 (The Message)
"The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding.
He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.
Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion.
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint."
We are praying for you.
Leesa B
God is good ALL the time. Even now. We're praying for you.
Connie H.
Trish....LOVE you guys....praying... You are such a wonderful mom & amazing woman of GOD. Lifting you each...up.
Praying for God to bless you with the strength you need this day. With much love...
I just have to tell you Trish, that I am a better person for coming to Ashley's story each day. Watching you and Dave, how you handle all the giants you are facing, has increased my faith. Reading of your fierce love for your children, and of the sacrifices you are willing to make for them, has inspired me in my mothering. Thanks for sharing so open and honestly.
I am praying for you guys, praying for the team of doctors and nurses that take care of Ashley, and praying that God will do amazing things in Ashley's life. He is amazing, there is nothing he can't do!
Thinking of you today.
I, along with many others I'm sure, have prayed and checked and prayed and checked some more~~anxiously, desperately, eagerly praying and waiting for a word from you or Dave because our hearts are hurting so for little Ashley and her family. But, right now, my heart has be heaviest for you, dear Trish. I have pictured you as you received the news last night, there alone, there without Dave your best friend, there alone without your mother. Yet, knowing all along that God was and is there for you giving you the courage and strength to make it through the night.
Wow, what a testimony you just posted. What grace, beauty and determination you have and I just shook my head and smiled through my tears saying to myself, "Why should this post surprise me? Oh, Trish, God is the Great Sustainer, the Great Source of Strength, the Great Comforter, the Great I AM in our time of need.
You go girl, God will make room for you to learn anything you need for Ashley and her needs. It will all happen just as it should.
Thank You, Sweet Jesus, for sustaing this wonderful mommy, Thank You for giving her the strengh and courage to "face the giant" and doing it all with grace and sweet assurance that she has put her trust and Ashley in Your Mighty Hands~~In His Name I pray~~~Amen
We may never understand why circumstances happen as they do. But you know that God is bigger than our circumstances. It seems to me that the Lord CHOSE you to be this little girl's mommy probably because of your faith inspite of the circumstances. Surely there is no one on this earth more dedicated or ready to be all that Ashley needs in a "mommy". Thank you for your obedience and continue to know that God is Good all the time and you have so many praying for you and your family. We probably would never had that opportunity if it weren't for your obedience and inspiration in keeping up with this blog. We will continue to hold you up in prayer and love always! Be well.
(((hugs))) and prayers for you, Ashley, and all of your family! Thank you for sharing Ashley's story with all of us and letting us be prayer warriors for your little lady and the rest of your family. Your love for God and strengh are so encouraging to me and so many others. ~Chandria~
My heart goes out to you and your family. What keeps going through my mind is"if God brings us to it He will bring us through it".
I'm a church secretary in Central Texas. Our church has been praying for Ashley and will continue to do so. May you be comforted as only Jesus can do. This is the time to go to "Abba Daddy". You can crawl up in his lap and lay your head on His shoulder and seek the comfort only He can give. My He meet your needs and give you the strength you need for the days ahead. God bless you.
This morning as I prepared for the day, Ashley could not have been more on my mind. I wasn't so much thinking of this new diagnosis as I was of God's gift to her... Trish and Dave as her parents.
When I think of the amount of time spent in prayer for a child you one day hoped to call your own, I wondered how many have had that gift. Being prayed over for years, specifically, before our birth. Not praying that we would come, but praying for "if" we came. I am most certain as I read Ashley's journal and as I pray for her daily that God KNEW she NEEDED you two. And that she needed a big brother and sister who would be understanding and patient. He makes no mistakes, nothing is "by chance".
I am so thankful that as Ashley faces this mountain called transplant and cancer, she has her family by her side and Jesus hoisting her in the air. That was the vision in my mind as I prayed for her today.
Trish, you are proving daily that you truly "can do all things through Christ who strengthens you." It's amazing to see your courage and strength as Christ lifts you up again time after time, and to watch our precious little Ash continue on day after day in HIS strength. What an awesome God - how He answers our prayers again and again! He truly is worthy to be praised! Even though the enemy tries his best to take away the joy of the Lord, he fights in vain. I love you girls more than you will ever know and I'm trusting our Savior to bring you through another day with His peace! Love and Hugs, Grandma
You are such a shining example of one who falls down and gets up.
The honesty you share in the down times is what shows the power of God working in you. Not only will Ashley some day read, but I know there will be others who will battle similar things that will see how to walk through the fire from your example. If you chose not to share your weakness, your doubt, your frustration others might see you as bigger than life and have difficulty relating to a superwoman (which you kinda are!!).
Thank you for being vulnerable. Thank you the invitation to do business with God on your behalf...
I am praying with tears and confidence for Ashley and those doctors...
Praying for sweet Ashley. May we see another miracle before us.
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