Overwhelmed

As I go through the lists and lists and lists of appointments, medications, labs, side effects, etc. etc. I am becoming OVERWHELMED. The first thing Ashley and I are going to do when we get to our apartment tonight is sit in the middle of the floor in our jammies (with no bra!!) and cry. I hate to plan on it, but I honestly think it will help to just let it all out. She and I, no one else around. Just crying and crying and crying about all that has happened, where we have been, how far she has come, what we are going through and the uncertainty of her future. I can feel it coming on now. I pray and pray and pray that I don't break my baby. She has always come with bells and whistles, pumps and alarms, but now she comes with more responsibility than I have ever had in my life and I pray He has equipped me well enough to take care of this amazing little girl.

While I type my Ashley sleeps as she is receiving her third dose of chemotherapy. Today starts the last week of our first cycle. I am looking around our room and it seems so strange to have so little of our things still in here. I hate to admit it but this PICU has become a home to Ash and I and the staff(especially our nurses) have become like family to us. I still have not removed the collage of photographs from her wall. It just doesn't seem right to sit in here without being surrounded by her Blake, her Allie, and her Daddy. They will be the last thing I remove from the room right as Ash and I walk out of it.

My prayer as we leave this place for the first time since her transplant is that in some way we were able to make a difference. A difference to somebody in the halls of this place. Whether it be one of our nurses who may have been having a tough day or another family who was struggling with their child's illness or a server in the cafeteria who may have been wishing that they hadn't come to work that day. More than anything I hope that when they saw me coming they could see into my heart and see how I genuinely cared who they were, how their families were doing, and what direction their lives were headed. I am not one to beat anyone over the head with my Bible, but I pray that as they got to know me that they could see that I have a faith in Christ that sustains me day after day after day. I pray that they could see it is not a religion. It is not based on my church attendance. It has nothing to do with any type of good works or good deeds. It was, and it is just my relationship with the One who created me to know Him. Something that I have to work on everyday. Something that will never go away.

Until we get the Internet access established in our apartment I will miss this journal terribly. I am not sure how many days I will be away from it, but it has been my daily outlet for the past 22weeks. You will never understand who much you have come to mean to me and to my baby. You are the ones who He has allowed to carry our burdens along with us, to cry with us, to pray with us, to struggle with us, and to rejoice with us. The most humbling part of that to me is that you each come willingly time and time again. You have made such a difference to us during this journey and I love that your thoughts, your comments, and your prayers are recorded in the pages of my Ashley's story. I promise that I will be back and journaling just as soon as I can, but until then you will have to endure reading about all of the "cooking", dancing, singing, and orneriness of my husband. He will keep everyone informed about our daily happenings.

On a personal note I would like to say thank you Sarah for Ash's new hat. I LOVE it! It is so "Ashley" with the big poof and all on top. She will proudly wear it as we leave for our apartment tonight and I will post a picture as soon as I can. The time, the love, and the prayers that went into each and every stitch have touched me beyond words. I pray that in the future our sweet girls may have an opportunity to meet for "tea" and to share their amazing journeys. Thank you again for caring.

I will close this "novel"(sorry about the length) for now and will briefly post our departure this evening. Thanks guys. I really love that you love my baby so much. Have a blessed afternoon. Trish

P.S. - does anyone here in Omaha have a baby crib that Ash might borrow for a little while? If not thats o.k. we will just buy one for the apartment. I just thought I might ask. Thanks.