I wonder?

There are so many things I sit and wonder about. Some of the things that cause my mind to wonder are serious things concerning Ashley's life and health care. Some things I wonder about are silly things like whether or not Allie went to bed with matching pajama pieces on (doesn't matter to anyone else but I like for her to match).

Much of my wondering involves Ash's life and her future. I seem to write a lot about those type of things. What are His plans for her? Will she survive all of this? What will her childhood be like? Will she grow up to big things? There are times when I wonder about all of these things and then there are times when I wonder about what will life be like for us when we make it back home. I haven't written too much about these type of thoughts because honestly I have never felt like we were even close to going there. At this time I do feel as though the day will come for Ashley and I to return home and the wondering of what will that be like has seemed to really take off. As I talk to Dave throughout the days that we are apart many things about our lives have changed over the past five and half months. Our roles in the home have be re defined, and this realization causes me to wonder. One thing I know is that we are united. We are strong and we will somehow figure out how to live as normal life as possible once Ash and I get there, but I do wonder just how we will figure it out. The kids are changing and growing every day. I wonder how different they will be when I return. Will we do the same silly things together we did before I left or will they have outgrown them? Will we talk the way we always have or will there be a distance between us? I try so very hard to stay connected to them by speaking everyday about school and friends and the like, but its just different now. My Blake and Allison have experienced many things during the time I have been gone and I have not been a part of them. David has become their constant just as I have become Ashley's. It has been so very weird to have the five of us separated for so long and I just wonder how we will put it all back together. I wonder how they will feel each time Ash gets sick and has to be taken back to the hospital? I wonder if they will fear that it is starting all over again? More than anything I pray that we will all be able to pick up and move on from this separation and that we will continue being who we have always been.

Apart from the wondering about our roles in the children's lives I often wonder about mine and Dave's relationship. In many ways it has become stronger than ever. In other ways I feel such a distance. We are living two different lives that only come together and meet once every five or six weekends. How will we come back together? I think he has done a fabulous job of raising Blake and Allie and running the business and holding it all together, but I wonder where I will fit back into those things? He is constantly making decisions for the business and the older children and I am constantly making decisions here for our Ashley. There are times when I don't find out about decisions that have been made for days and it seems so odd that he would have had to handle those things without me. All of this makes me wonder how life will be once it returns to normal. I guess we will have a new normal.

When I say that I am wondering please don't mistake this for worrying. I don't worry about it all. I just think about it. I don't believe it will be easy to figure this all out, but I do believe that we WILL figure it all out. God has a plan and He always has. I know that His plan for this time in our lives has been laid out before us for several, several years. I can look back over the past 13 years and now see how or why certain situations and experiences have helped to mold us for the times we are now experiencing. I am certain that as long as we take it one day at a time and allow Him to continue working in our family that it will somehow all come together. I don't think it will happen easily, but I think it will happen. I just wonder how long it will take for our new normal to sink in and for all of us to fall back into the rhythm of our family of five. I've just been wondering.