True Beauty
In the last few days I have had many, many hours to examine every tiny detail of my baby girl as I sit and hold her trying to keep her from crying. As long as she is in my arms, on my lap, or perched on my hip then she doesn't scream. When I say scream I am talking so loud that you can hear it all the way down the halls. The other patients families pull their doors closed trying to escape her sounds. I honestly believe there are several nurses who now cringe at the thought of having to take us on for the day. I can't really blame them. I am her mommy and it exhausts me to hear it day after day. There are times when I have to lay her down so that I might actually go to the bathrroom, take a shower, or get somethng to eat, and wheb I return I never fail to hear someone commenting on the noise she is making. The wonderful thing about being her mommy is that I love her enough to see past all the trouble she is causing and to see the beauty she represents in my life.
Ashleys true beauty is not wrapped up in the appearance that He gave to her. Although she is beautiful to look at now, much of it is fading as the days progress. Her tiny body is scarred and bruised. Her little face is beginning to lose its beautiful features as the steroid portion of het chemo takes over. Tonight I noticed that all over her head the hair is beginning to break off at the roots and if you run your fingers through it you can feel the stubble that is being left behind. It is now so thin that you can see all the way through to her scalp. Her little eye correction may never be completed and it looks as though her left eye will remain closed and crossed. She has tubing and lines and buttons that come out of her chest and abdomen along with a very frightening looking stoma with an ostomy bag covering it. The chemo is causing her skin to put off a very strong "metallic" odor that is very difficult to cover with her yummy smelling lotion and she is constantly sweating. I am afraid that my tiny baby is looking and smelling more like a soldier in the midst of a battle than a princess fit for wearing crowns. I say all of this to let you know that it is the the heart of a Creator, and the heart of a mother that can look past all of this and see the true beauty that she represents. Ashley's true beauty is found in her very being. Her life. Her survival. Her testimony. Her miracles. Her perseverance. Her will. Her strength. Her representation of answered prayers. Her story. Her impact. Her fingerprints.
Ashley's physical beauty is fading away for the time being, but her true beauty contines to shine. She is the most beautiful thing that I have ever loved. She is the most beautiful person that I have ever known. She is the most beautiful thing that I have ever held. She is the most beautiful part of my life. I often tease her and tell her, "Its a good thing I'm your mommy, cause I don't know too many people who could love you this much!" She just looks at me and screams. I continue holding her and rocking her and continue praying for an extra measure of His grace and strength so that I don't pull my hair out along with everyone else who has to listen to her cries. As tough as this portion of my Ashley's story is I am still the one who has been blessed beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I love this little girl and all that her struggles include. She is beautiful, and He has given her a beauty that surpasses all that I dreamed.
As you pray for my beautiful Ashley tonight would you please pray for me too. I need for Him to renew my strength, to give me rest, and to shower me with His grace at this time. It is exhausting at this time as I watch her struggle and try to help her through this chapter of her story. I must go and pick up my little pickle who has continued to scream the entire time I have typed this post. I hoped she would eventually tire and drift off to sleep, but she just continues to get louder and louder. Oh' well, its a good feeling to know that as soon as I place her in my arms she immediately becomes still and quiet. Good night from Omaha and the blizzard we are watching fall outside of our window. Thank you for continuing to care. I love you guys. Trish
posted by Ashley @ 9:42 PM
12 Comments:
(Praying, dear Trish. Always.)
She is beautiful inside and out --and so are you! Praying for strength from God so that you may get through this tough time. Ashley will eventually get tired and want to sleep! You can do this--You have made it this far--God is there!
I will be praying for you as we do every night and whenever else we think of you and little Ashley. My prayer tonight will be for some sleep and or rest to renew you both. Really read these words...Isaiah 40:28-31 Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary, and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will RENEW their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary ,they will walk and not faint...Now that doesn't say sleep but it does say strength,power, and renewal..Prayers for all of these promised to you and sleep too. Colleen
We all can relate~~~Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I'm sure if we were there looking at Ashley that we could also see her in all her beauty. But for now we will depend on you to keep telling of her beauty from a mother's viewpoint.
Your beauty, Trish, comes through to us as you write Ashley's Story. We anticipate each post, each picture and all that you have to share with us. The fact that there have been nearly 70,000 hits on this story should tell you something. I mean just think 70,000. That's lots of people looking in on Ashley many times a day, just looking for a another word, just something to tell us how you and Ashley are doing.
Lord, I pray right now that Trish is able to sleep. I pray for Your hand to be upon her to give her Your reassurance that You are there with them all the time. I pray that You give her a calm that would allow her to rest in You, to lean on You, to be comforted and encouraged by You. Give her grace to get through all the tough times. Thank You Lord, for hearing our prayers and we give you all the glory, in Jesus name...Amen
Isaiah 40.32
"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strengh. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
Goodnite and sweet dreams~~~
Oops~~~
Correction Isaiah 40:31
Note: Looks like while I was typing my comments someone else was also recalling this great Scripture to mind. Love to both you girls~~~
Even though my words are few my thoughts and prayers are great for Ashley and Trish and the family back home....
I pray for peace for Trish and Ashley tonight for that much needed rest and restoration...in God's love he will provide these blessings for his children.
Praying that God will bless you abundantly this day!
Oh Trish, if only He would allow me to take a turn at what you are feeling and going through...to allow you to rest,to be replenished, I would do this in a heartbeat. I did pray for you last nite, so I hope you feel better after some rest ! (when you pray consider it done) and will continue, we love you all. Barron&Cindy
Trish, I cannot help but hope that you and Ashley will be "kicked out" on Monday! What an amazing step that would be...and then to go home in four weeks! I pray...I pray! Praying that you both will have a peace filled, completely uneventful weekend. Love and hugs!
May God sustain you through the easy times, the tough times, and the times that seem incomprehensible.
How blessed you are indeed, Trish to have three beautiful children to love, cherish and raise. They all need you and there is no greater calling than to influence the children we are given for His Glory. May God refresh you and David as you parent Blake, Allison and Ashley!
Hey Trish,
I am here everyday sometimes more than once. I come and night and pray over you and Ashley every single night. I know all about your long hard day's with Ashley and the deep pain you must feel watching your precious babay as she fights off the raveges of this cancer. God knew exactly how you would be able to handle this when he gave you Ashley.
Just know you are not alone, I never let you be alone. Iam right here on the other side of this screen lifting you both before God's throne.
When you and Ashley cry? Know I am crying as well and praying.
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