Ashley's Story

She will leave fingerprints all over your heart

2/28/2007

Wanted

I wanted so much for this tiny baby I had prayed for. I dreamed of how her life would be. I rocked her in my dreams and I held her in my dreams. I would wake in a panic for years as I realized I was rocking and holding my baby that had no face. I could feel her and I could feel the love that I had for this child but I could never see her. As I dreamed of her I would dream of all that I wanted for her. I wanted happiness. I wanted her to have a daddy. I wanted her to have a mommy. I wanted her to be loved. I wanted her to be wanted. I wanted giggles. I wanted pony tails and hair bows. I wanted tea parties that she would make her brother and her sister attend. I wanted swings at the park. I wanted walks in the spring. I wanted tiny feet following Allie through our home. I wanted little hands that would get into Blake's things. I wanted joy in her heart. I wanted naps in her daddy's arms on a Sunday afternoon. I wanted bedtime stories in her nursery. I wanted to give her a family, a life, a place to call home. I wanted safety, and security, and peace. I wanted to show her how very much she was loved. I wanted.

As I listen to Ash cry as she endures so much during this time I wonder what He wanted for her? Did He want the same things for her? Happiness? Family? Safety? Joy? Peace? More than anything I want her to have what He wants for her. Surely that can't be all of this? Pain? Struggles? Hospital beds? Cancer? Chemo? As she cries I cry. As her body aches tonight my heart aches tonight. I want to take this from her. I want to give her a childhood free from all of this. I want Him to heal her. I want Him to bring her home. I want Him to allow her to have her family, but He may never do these things. He may never give her all of this. He doesn't have to, but I really, really want for Him to. Is this wrong? I want her to have what He wants for her, but can she have both?

I sit here this morning struggling with where we are. Week 2 of 18 long weeks has just begun. I guess today all I want is for her to have the strength to get through today. I want Him to give her what He knows she will need to do all that He wants for her to do. I want for Him to give me the strength to realize that He is still working out His plan in her life. I want His best for my sweet Ashley Kate. In the end I need to let go of all that I wanted for her and learn to want what He wants for her.

12 Comments:

At 6:52 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love in Christ..... Hugs....Praying.

 
At 6:55 AM , Blogger Susan said...

Sweet surrender...so difficult! Trish, I am praying that God will give Ashley grace for today. And that today He would be more tangible to you. His strength is perfect. Only trust Him. Love and hugs!

 
At 8:36 AM , Anonymous Grandma said...

Trust Him, Love Him and allow Him to love you in whatever way is in His perfect will and He will give you grace to get through yet another day. I know that some days it seems overwhelming and that you just simply can't make it through, but he promised He would never give us more than we can handle and His promises are true and never fail. My prayers continue for you and Ash - praying for that perfect peace. I love you, Grandma

 
At 8:45 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Trish, always remember you are human and that He created you and He understands your human feeling as you understand His spiritual ones, its ok to have questions doubts, He will do what is right for all. Again you all have made such an impact in my life; you see wks. ago I would never have said the things I have concering Ashleys story...I am being made a better person thanks to the little Gherkin. Our prayers are never ending for you all. Barron&Cindy

 
At 9:25 AM , Anonymous Nikki said...

Still reading. I just haven't been sure what to say. "I'm still praying" sounds so cliche. (Though it doesn't feel cliche, by any means.) Of course that is all we can do. It's up to Him to perform His will for Ashley in His time. I wish I could take all of this from you all too. I've never been on your end of things. But that last post from David certainly hit home. For different reasons, I am very familiar with that kind of struggle - and it made me wish for you all that it didn't have to be this way. It's funny how the same struggles can seem so much bigger once they've dragged on for so long. But that also means you are five long months CLOSER to coming home! I do think God must think an awful lot of the way Ashley handles the strength He gave her - and all of you. I wish I could be there for a day to at least catch up all your laundry for you or run out to the store or whatever. But you have my prayers - our prayers - continually. The kids never fail to mention Ashley when they pray. Or to ask how her day was when I pick them up from school. I hope your day is blessed with unexpected surprises.

Levi - Hi Ashley. I hope you can rest like my mom in a fuzzy blanket. (Mom is sick today) I hope you feel good. I love you.

 
At 10:07 AM , Anonymous Julie said...

Trish ~ As I continue each day to read your posts, I can so identify. I remember being 1,000's of miles away from my family with a sick baby in a hospital, just her and I. I can remember sitting with another one of our precious daughters in a hospital room the whole first year of her life. My husband can remember being back home trying to be both mom & dad taking care of 2 kids, trying to maintain his job, and everything else that needed to be done. The lonliness, the why's, the decisions that we both dealt with. During those times God grew me closer to Him. He helped equip me to reach out to others when they walked this road, and also taught me about complete surrender. I used to think I had it all under control, as you said you did, until He allowed me to be so worn down that I had to turn it over to Him, ALL over to Him. I became sad thinking of all the time I tried to do it all and stay strong, when actually I was in His way while He was trying to work. Then I became SO grateful that He loved me enough to gently put His arms around me and move me aside so He could keep working. I saw God with His mighty power moving in so many ways, however when I completely surrendered to Him I was blown away by just how powerful He really is when we surrender everything to Him. As moms it is very hard to not do everything we can to protect our children. However, just think of how very much you love Ashley... God loves her so much more. That is so hard to imagine when we think of how much we love our kids... that someone could really love them more than us? YES!!! HE does!!! I have talked to you on the phone a couple times to arrange a time to meet. The day we were going to meet happend to be the first day of Ashley's chemo. We decided to do the best for her, and that was to keep her isolated. Someday hopefully we will meet face to face. If we don't because He sends you home to Texas... PRAISE GOD and just know that I am praying everyday for you and your family.

Julie

 
At 10:31 AM , Anonymous christy said...

that is sooo difficult...for all of us....to truly desire what HE wants for us...over what we would like for ouselves!! you are NOT the only one that struggles daily with this difficult task....letting go...and letting GOD!! i am praying for you ....as i pray that i too can learn this lesson of life!
lifting ash up....

 
At 10:35 AM , Anonymous dee said...

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Dear Baby Ashley,
I hope you will feel better. I hope you will go home and I hope you will play and play with your toys.

love,
Kali Buchanan

 
At 10:37 AM , Anonymous dee said...

Dear Baby Ashley,

I hope you will feel better. I hope you will be able to come home soon. I love you.

Love,
Kayle (Kali's big sister)

 
At 10:38 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Words? perfect words? there are no "words" for any of us to help explain what is happening here. Nikki was right when she said they all sound so "cliche". We are like you, when you say you know what WE want, and that is HAPPILY EVER AFTER, with you back where you belong and sweet Ashley in tow. All of us are are praying for God's will, secretly hoping it is what we want to see accomplished in all of your lives. Being human, it is natural to be selfish with our loved ones. Everyday that we talk I am rendered more helpless as I listen to her cries in the background. I want to make this ugly cancer dissapear so that she won't have "one more thing" to fight! I know Trish, that you were chosen, hand-picked by God, to mother Ashley! You will never give up like so many others we know have. Your are so beautiful to listen to as you comfort that sweet angel every minute of the day. I love you so much and dream of the day we will reunite and I can finish teaching Ashley Kate all of my other awnery tricks she has yet to get you guys with! (we still have a lot of bonding to do)

I am praying without ceasing for you and I KNOW His plan is being revealed. I pray that we will all have the grace to accept whatever He allows next.

Trish, as a newborn baby having been placed in my arms, you stole my heart! It has never been any different than that between us. I miss seeing you as often as I used to. Our hearts are connected through more than just blood, the deepest, never-ending friendship that we will be privileged to carry over into eternity.

I love you and that sweet princess and can promise continued prayers for you both. I miss you like crazy~ Love, Kathy

 
At 10:39 AM , Anonymous dee said...

Trish, I just wanted you to know how much my girls love your website. The can sit and watch Ashley's slide show all day if I let them. We are praying you will get to go to your apartment all in the Lord's time, but asking that it is soon.

 
At 12:56 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Trish,
My heart aches to hear the hurt and weariness in your journaling. I am lifting you in prayer throughout the day.

Please give me a call and let me do something for you. As Ashley is in isolation for her protection, thus you are also and you need support at a time like this. You are giving so much to that little gherkin and you need to stay replenished. Call me,please. Lou Ann

 

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