Ashley's Story

She will leave fingerprints all over your heart

2/27/2007

Depending on Him

I used to think I could do it all by myself. I didn't need to ask anyone for help of any kind. I had this crazy life of mine under control. Didn't I? I never wanted to admit that things were starting to get difficult. I never wanted to share our struggles with anyone else( and especially not the whole world!), but the truth is that trying to act like I have this adventure called Ashley's story under my thumb is just a lie. Its a lie that is born out of pride. Not the pride that comes from a sense of accomplishment because of a job well done, and not the sense of pride that I feel as I watch my children grow, but the kind of pride that says I am too ashamed to let anyone out there know just how human we are. The honest truth is that we are learning we can't do this on our own.

I believe that part of what we are going through is being used to teach me a valuable lesson. A lesson that I have never allowed myself to fully learn. I need to learn to depend upon Him for everything in my life. Not just the big things,but the little everyday things as well. During this period I am literally having to admit that I do not have all the answers, the solutions, the strength, the control, the finances, or the firm grasp I convinced myself I had on the daily aspects of Ashley's care. I am learning to humble myself, fall on my face, and depend on the God who loves me enough to patiently wait on my stubborn self to look to Him for help. Trust me, there is nothing easy about this lesson. My pride tells me that I should be humiliated. My pride tells me that I need to handle this on my own. My pride tells me that our business will be able to provide all that we need. My pride tells me that everyone has their own issues to deal with and the last thing they care about is mine. My pride tells me to stop pouring out my vulnerable heart on the pages of this journal. My pride tells me a lot of things, but His word tells me this,"Pride comes before a fall." The last thing I want is to allow my prideful self to cause this family, my family, my Ashley to fall.

I am learning to depend on Him. I am learning to open my heart.. I am learning that His people do care about my struggles, just as I care about theirs. I am learning that He does and will provide for all of our needs. I am learning that He does "own the cattle on a thousand hills". I am learning that if He cares enough to feed the sparrows that He must care enough about my sweet Ashley to provide for all of her needs. I am still learning. Trust me when I tell you that there are good days and then there are bad days. Life is not easy here in Omaha or back home in Texas, but the important thing is that our life is good. It is a gift. We are blessed far beyond what we could ever deserve.

The neatest thing about learning to depend on Him instead of ourselves is the blessing of watching Him use others to make a difference in Ashley's story. We would be missing out on so many blessings if we were trying to do this all on our own. He amazes me daily with the way He chooses to provide. I stand in awe of His plans as they unfold before me. Learning to depend on Him is teaching me to trust Him and to love Him more. I am so thankful I didn't try to keep her all to myself. He is using my little one to show me who He really is. Thank you for your willingness to love her. Thank you for your willingness to continue with us as her little story unfolds. Thank you for allowing your hearts to be opened enough to let our Ashley leave a finger print or two. You are loved. Good night. Trish

4 Comments:

At 12:23 AM , Blogger Chuck said...

I love you sis...let God continue to work. The hammer and chisel have reached far beyond 'you' and into the souls of many. We're all in this cocoon struggling frantically to break out and stretch our new wings. I don't even know what to pray anymore; but I do know this: the phrase 'Thy will be done' no longer sounds empty and repetitious to me...it is my heart's cry of ignorance to an All Knowing God.

May God give you peace.

1Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:
2By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.
3And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
4And patience, experience; and experience, hope:
5And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.

-Romans 5

 
At 12:46 AM , Blogger Dianne said...

Hi Trish,
Just wanted to leave you a note and let you know that I have been reading this blog and praying for you and your family ever since I found it a couple of months ago when they did a story on the local news. I am just amazed at how you and your family have handled all that God has given you to deal with and the wonderful example you set for the rest of us. Thank you for sharing the many lessons that God has taught you during this season of life and may you continue to see each blessing, even during the hardest of days.

Blessings,
Dianne (I was in CHEC with you several years ago)

 
At 8:30 AM , Anonymous Grandma said...

I am learning, too and I'm thankful for every lesson the Father is teaching me through our precious little Ashley. Yes, He does have a huge plan for each and every life He creates and Ash is fulfilling her plan and we are the beneficiaries as we learn through her. I want so much for her, too and my heart breaks as she struggles from day to day. I need to tell my Father in Heaven thank you for all He's teaching me and I surely need to tell Ashley thank you for all she endures daily as He uses her to teach a weak vessel such as I. Her strength through it all is such an enormous testimony of who God really is and what He is all about. I love that little one from the depths of my heart and I'm so thankful for her! I pray that God's will be done in her life and I pray ernestly that His will includes her being relieved from daily struggles by the healing of her body. We don't know what the future holds, but we do know that He holds the future. What a blessing! I love you - Grandma

 
At 12:39 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dearest Trish,
We are all full of pride and other shortcomings in some way or another and reading these journal pages helps us to confront the same issues in ourselves. You have a gift for pouring your heart out so beautifully before the Lord. David and others lamented before God and we are able to read his deepest thoughts and learn so much. I believe God wants you/us to pour out everything before Him and although it makes you so vulnerable online, know that it is ministering to many. May you be blessed for your transparency and open heart.
Lou Ann

 

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