Depending on Him

I used to think I could do it all by myself. I didn't need to ask anyone for help of any kind. I had this crazy life of mine under control. Didn't I? I never wanted to admit that things were starting to get difficult. I never wanted to share our struggles with anyone else( and especially not the whole world!), but the truth is that trying to act like I have this adventure called Ashley's story under my thumb is just a lie. Its a lie that is born out of pride. Not the pride that comes from a sense of accomplishment because of a job well done, and not the sense of pride that I feel as I watch my children grow, but the kind of pride that says I am too ashamed to let anyone out there know just how human we are. The honest truth is that we are learning we can't do this on our own.

I believe that part of what we are going through is being used to teach me a valuable lesson. A lesson that I have never allowed myself to fully learn. I need to learn to depend upon Him for everything in my life. Not just the big things,but the little everyday things as well. During this period I am literally having to admit that I do not have all the answers, the solutions, the strength, the control, the finances, or the firm grasp I convinced myself I had on the daily aspects of Ashley's care. I am learning to humble myself, fall on my face, and depend on the God who loves me enough to patiently wait on my stubborn self to look to Him for help. Trust me, there is nothing easy about this lesson. My pride tells me that I should be humiliated. My pride tells me that I need to handle this on my own. My pride tells me that our business will be able to provide all that we need. My pride tells me that everyone has their own issues to deal with and the last thing they care about is mine. My pride tells me to stop pouring out my vulnerable heart on the pages of this journal. My pride tells me a lot of things, but His word tells me this,"Pride comes before a fall." The last thing I want is to allow my prideful self to cause this family, my family, my Ashley to fall.

I am learning to depend on Him. I am learning to open my heart.. I am learning that His people do care about my struggles, just as I care about theirs. I am learning that He does and will provide for all of our needs. I am learning that He does "own the cattle on a thousand hills". I am learning that if He cares enough to feed the sparrows that He must care enough about my sweet Ashley to provide for all of her needs. I am still learning. Trust me when I tell you that there are good days and then there are bad days. Life is not easy here in Omaha or back home in Texas, but the important thing is that our life is good. It is a gift. We are blessed far beyond what we could ever deserve.

The neatest thing about learning to depend on Him instead of ourselves is the blessing of watching Him use others to make a difference in Ashley's story. We would be missing out on so many blessings if we were trying to do this all on our own. He amazes me daily with the way He chooses to provide. I stand in awe of His plans as they unfold before me. Learning to depend on Him is teaching me to trust Him and to love Him more. I am so thankful I didn't try to keep her all to myself. He is using my little one to show me who He really is. Thank you for your willingness to love her. Thank you for your willingness to continue with us as her little story unfolds. Thank you for allowing your hearts to be opened enough to let our Ashley leave a finger print or two. You are loved. Good night. Trish