Ashley's Story

She will leave fingerprints all over your heart

2/28/2007

Hopeless

I have been avoiding my post tonight. I am suffering from a broken heart. I don't know how they all do it. How do they survive leaving this place without their babies? They must have a strength I do not have. I would never leave. I think I would stay in the room and hold on to my Ashley and never let go. It is so painful to know that my sweet friend will not be holding her son tonight. What will she do? How will she sleep knowing he is no longer with her? I hugged her tight and told her they were loved. I told her how strong she was and she whispered that "she was trying." All I could do was say "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." She whispered to me that she "wished my daughter well." As I turned from their room back towards mine I had an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. If their sweet baby boy could not do this then how will my baby girl? How will she ever overcome and survive? My heart has been broken time and time again in this place. It is not a happy place to live.

I don't want to feel hopeless. I want to feel confident that my Ashley will make it home. I want to feel sure that she will grow up with her brother and sister. I want to believe that He has more in store for her life. At the same time I feel such guilt over wanting and praying and pleading for my baby to survive when so many of my friends babies have not. The emotions are so difficult to sort through.

I am listening to her "squeaks" and "coos" behind me as she finally sleeps. As I sit here to type I find myself thanking Him for today. One more day. He gave me another day with her. A day to love her. A day to hold her. A day to kiss her fingers and toes. A day to pray for her. A day to marvel over her. Every day, every moment, every experience is so very precious. Each time we lose another child here in the PICU I find myself hugging her tighter, holding her longer, and hoping for my time with this child to never end. My friend was right when she told me that our transplant has given us the "gift of time". My Ashley would be gone tonight if we had not received her transplant.

Tonight I will ask you to pray for our friends in the upcoming days, and to pray for our Ashley as she continues to fight, and to hold tightly on to your children. Love them deeper. Kiss them more often. Listen to their voices as they ramble on and on. Linger a little longer in their doorways before you turn off their lights. Tell them of Jesus. Show them the way. Live life with them each day as if there would be no tomorrow. How long would you hold them if you knew it would be your last night with them? If I could I would place a thousand secret kisses on my Blake and Allie's foreheads tonight as they sleep. Please, please know that your children are a gift from the Father and you are more than blessed to have them. Just I am blessed to still have mine. Thank you for listening to the ramblings of my broken heart. Goodnight and may God grant us all hope for their futures. Love, Trish

10 Comments:

At 4:41 AM , Anonymous gracie said...

praying for you that you will feel the closeness of the Father...His word promises, "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." also, praying for davian's mommy and daddy AND that the Lord will continue to strengthen your Ashley as she fights so hard.

 
At 5:32 AM , Blogger Alison said...

praying...

 
At 5:54 AM , Blogger Carey said...

Im praying for you all today.

 
At 6:35 AM , Blogger jtcosby said...

So sorry...and praying...and following your lead...holding them, loving them, kissing them...TELLING them...

 
At 7:35 AM , Anonymous Suzanne said...

Trish.. Here is a great big hug. Praying for you to feel God today in a BIG way. Feel HIS peace wrapped around you (praying this also for your friend who lost her precious baby....although...as hard as it is...they didn't loose him....he just returned to the one who let us "borrow" our children from HIM .....back to the creator...I believe we will see them again one day in heaven). That doesn't make it any easier to accept. (= Praying for peace....for hope.... Know your loved in Christ ...& being lifted up to the Father.

 
At 7:51 AM , Blogger Susan said...

Good morning, Trish,

still praying that God will deliver Ashley through the fire.

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. I Peter 1:6-7

Love and hugs!

 
At 7:56 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Trish
I'm so very sorry for your loosing another little friend. I'm so grateful Jesus receives all the little ones into his great big arms.
I pray for you and Ash today and ask God to grant you both a peaceful day and a pain free day. Free from the physical and the emotional pain you both endure. I love you both and I lift you both up to the Father daily. Please know you are both loved very much and I also pray you both will be home in Texas with the rest of the family very soon.
Love you so much,
Toni

 
At 7:58 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have to admit that I avoided posting also because I thought what can you say??? Here you are with Ashley seeing your friends lose their child...What a horrible feeling, intense sadness,trying to cope with what they are coping with....Bearing their grief while trying to handle your own...tired, overwhelmed. I can only imagine. It is so hard to be on this earth sometimes, isn't it? Dealing with all that the fall of man left us with. I realize that only Christ is our Hope. That's the difference, we have Hope. We have Someone who can do more than we could ever ask or think. Think on Him today, rebuke Satan as he must have a hayday in the Picu...God is greater. Praying for you, your family, Davian's family during this intense sadness and for little Ashley. Love and prayers always, Colleen

 
At 9:53 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please remember that it is not the individual children who are fighting; it is God through them. We may never know why God chooses to take some home early and allow others to grow old. I refuse to believe that Davian "lost," that he decided he was unable to continue in this Earthly world. God called him, and when God calls, we should listen. Please remember that whether children, Ashley included, live or die, God wins: if children are able to live, He gets to watch as their Earthly parents rock them, love them, and enjoy them; if He chooses to take them home, He's the one that gets to rock them, love them, enjoy them. You said that if Ashley weren't to make it, you would just desire to rock her forever; maybe God is already desiring to rock her forever--and waiting patiently for His chance. I know you probably believe this, too.


Praying today for your Ashley, that God uses His wisdom and love to formulate the plan for her days (both on Earth and in heaven) and allows her to feel loved no matter where she may be. Praying for Blake and Allie, that they may never question the Lord's goodness and the love that they have received from you and Dave. Praying that you and your husband are able to lean on and rely on God in all situations. And praying for the family of Davian. May God help them cope with their loss and may He help them see the wisdom of His plan. Amen.


Your family is an encouragement and you are all loved by many.

 
At 4:39 PM , Blogger Robyn said...

I read this post before going to bed last night. My daughters both had a restless night, not sick or anything, just calling out wanting a drink, a tuck in, a cuddle. I think I got up to one or both of them more than 12 times which made for not a lot of sleep. Normally I would feel really exasperated by that, but last night I thought about Davian's parents, and you so far from your other two precious ones, and I thanked the Lord for my sweet babies and the blessing of being able to meet their needs. Thank you for the perspective.

 

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