Home again

Ash and I have made it home again, but the question in my mind is for how long? I really don't have an answer. She did not receive her chemotherapy this week because something is wrong but no one knows what. She is no longer vomiting and she has been re-hydrated. As I type she sleeps and I am grateful that she can rest. She stayed awake for 3 days so to see her resting is a blessing. She has not been awake for more than a few minutes today. If I can figure out how to post pictures out here then I will because I want to share with you how good she looks. If you were to see Ash and not know her story you would just think she was a chubby little one with a cute smile. It is so deceiving. The pictures I took of her yesterday and today are adorable. Rosy cheeks, ornery grin, bunny slippers crossed at the ankles as she sat and watched Blue Clues on her hospital bed. She had a visit from the Easter Bunny this morning and a camera crew from channel 5 in Dallas. They took video and pictures of her, but she paid them no mind because they were interrupting her episode of Blue. If you live in the Dallas area let me know if you see our little pickle on TV or in the paper this holiday weekend. They said there was a good possibility they would use her footage.

I find myself in a constant struggle as I try to decide does she need to be seen, do we need to go to the hospital, is something wrong. I have learned to follow her lab work closely looking for signs of trouble. Her liver enzymes continue to stay out of range. What is causing them to be too high? The Dallas team mentioned the word rejection yesterday and my heart began to hurt. How could she be in rejection? It is not impossible,but highly unlikely to go into rejection while receiving chemotherapy. Just the mention of the word brings on a flood of emotion that I can't seem to let go of. Please, please, God don't let this happen to her. The team in Omaha think we just need to watch her numbers for now. We are trying to decide if we should fly out and have a scope done next week. These decisions are so difficult. All they have to do is say the word and Dave and I will be there. We are ready to jump as soon as they say. I just want Ash to be fine. I want her to live with her daddy in his land of daisies and rainbows. I want to wake up each day and not worry and not fear. I just want Ash to smile and play and live and be happy. I don't want her to get sick again. If I could just take it from her I would. I would do this for her so that she could avoid all of this. I KNOW I am not supposed to worry, but it is so HARD. My head hurts as I go back and forth between what my heart knows and what my mind does.

I can hear my sweet Ashley stirring in the other room. What a gift it is to be able to hold that little one and rock her on my lap. She is the most beautiful thing I have ever known. I am so proud of how she refuses to let this get her down. She smiles in the midst of difficult times and I am learning so much from her. Thanks guys for praying for our Ashley. I am praying for protection over her transplanted bowel. I know that God is so much bigger than all of this and He can keep her safe. I pray that He does. Have a great afternoon and take care. Trish