Its Been One of THOSE days...
... for my sweet Ashley Kate. She just feels so crummy. After not sleeping for nearly 48hours she decided to take a 12hour nap. I finally woke her around 12:30 this afternoon because I missed her and she was beginning to worry me. We sent labs not once but twice this morning and had them faxed to 3 different hospitals. No word. I looked them over and can't figure out what is going on with her. I began her feeds again around 1:00 and she has not been nauseated today. I think that is progress. I placed another call to the transplant center but missed the return call before they left for the day. They didn't sound concerned about anything so I am left to reason that Ash is feeling bad probably due to the chemotherapy. Her white count dropped from 9.5 Monday morning to 1.3 this morning. I know our oncologist is telling me that none of this related to her cancer drugs but to be honest with you I don't believe him. Ash always feels crummy somewhere between day 4 and 5 post treatment and the drop in her count this morning makes me think I am right to think its related.
I wish I could report to you that she has managed to play through this one, but I am afraid it has hit her harder today than ever before. When I look into her face today I think she LOOKS like a cancer patient. Her eyes do not sparkle today. Her cheeks are not rosy only puffy from her steroid. Her body is lethargic and tired. My heart is broken as I hold her and try to comfort my little lump. I refer to her as a lump in the most loving way.
On days like today I almost get angry at the cancer cells. I want to yell at them. I want to tell them to disappear and leave this beautiful baby alone. I want to squish them myself for hurting her. I feel like stomping and throwing a fit for her because she doesn't have the energy it takes to do it for her self. Instead I will just hold her close and kiss her little head. I will pray that one day we will wake up and be told that it is gone and she will be fine. I will picture that amazing smile that she is so willing to share with us all. I will let her know that I am there and that I am loving her through this day. I will try to hold back the tears that are on the brim of my eyelids so that I do not cause Blake and Allie to be sad. Unfortunately for my sweet Ashley Kate it has been "one of THOSE" days. Maybe tomorrow will be better?
posted by Ashley @ 5:07 PM
6 Comments:
Hey, I think you should yell at those cancer cells! Jesus said to speak to the mountain--you can speak to those cells, too! I'm praying today is a much better day. Chemo is so hard. I'm so sorry today was bad.
Just wanted you to know we are still praying. So glad your in Longview....surrounded by family rather than in Omaha. It doesn't make it any easier to deal with on the harder days. Praying for better days ahead.
I'm sorry today was so rough. I agree with Amanda - go ahead and yell at those cancer cells.
Praying for a better day tomorrow and rest tonight for all of you.
edith
Still praying that your baby girl will feel better and get rid of those cancer cells. She is so tough and I hate to hear that she is feeling so bad. Hope you get some rest tonight.
I'm so sorry it was one of "those" days--hopefully tomorrow will be a great one!!
And I know what you mean when you call Ashley a "lump." When Addison was in the hospital last month she just slumped in my arms all day and night, and it was the worst feeling ever, even if it did mean extra snuggles. I'll take a feisty, wiggly baby any day over a "lumpy" one! I'm praying tomorrow Ashley is lump-less :)
Trish,
Never be afraid to trust your instincts. God gave them to us to use. They are a gift; a sixth sense. Sometimes my instincts are so accurate that it scares me. I used to think I was just incredibly paranoid until a very sweet friend explained to me that, as moms, we tend to instinctively know what our children need even when it goes against everything we're being told, or what we "know". Still praying that you'll receive the wisdom that you need, the courage to act upon it, and the faith that overcomes all fear. He will answer exceeding abundantly, above all that we could ask or think. Thank you so much for you sweet testimony. Your strength and faith are truly inspirational.
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