Just when I start to think that we are managing and she is safe then I am brought back to this place of being broken again. As I type I listen to the cry of my youngest daughter that is filtering down the hall. She doesn't understand why she hurts. She doesn't get it and that breaks me. If only I could stand in her place and take all that she must endure. How I wish it were my body that was broken and hers was made whole.
Ash is very sick. Something has her and we don't know what. She continues to vomit and has gotten to the place that she is now vomiting mucous, bile, and blood. Her insides are raw from the heaving and wretching. She is losing more than double and almost triple her allowed amount of output in her ostomy. In a three hour period this afternoon she lost over 600ccs of stool. That is 3 times the amount she normally puts out in a 24 hour period. Her tummy is in a turmoil as it cramps continuosly. She is straining so hard with the cramps that she is actually having mucous come out of her rectum and her colon is not even attached. She is sick. Her little body has a rash that is spreading to different areas. At this point it is all over her back. Earlier it was her torso. Then her diaper area and legs. What is it? We don't know. She has only had 20ccs of urine out for the entire day and we were forced to tap her bladder to see if she were holding urine because of the pain. There was nothing there. Just a few ccs. We are pouring fluids into her and she has lost her IV. They are trying to restart one, but all I know is that she is screaming. I have lost count of the little holes that she has from all the labs that have been taken. We took an abdominal x-ray to make sure the bowel was not blocked or twisted. Praise God that it appeared to be normal. She has had fevers off and on throughout the day and she just feels so bad. As her mommy my heart feels as though it is being ripped into pieces and my pain is only emotional. My sweet Ashely's is far worse. Hers is real and I can do nothing to stop it. She is exhausted and weak and confused. Again I am broken.
My heart wants to cry out that all is unjust. She is innocent and has done nothing to deserve any of her struggles, but I know that would not be right. I would like to ask a million questions and I would like to be able to change all that she is dealt. He knows my heart and He hears the questions without me even speaking them. If it is for His glory then let it be, but it is not easy for her and it is not easy for us to watch. She is the sweetest baby and I want to give her happy days filled with fun and laughter and joy.
Tonight we hurt for her because she hurts. Tonight we cry because she cries. Tonight my heart breaks because her little body was born broken. Praying tomorrow will be better.