Ashley's Story

She will leave fingerprints all over your heart

9/29/2007

If Only He Would

Ash is not good this morning. Actually she hasn't been good since her procedure yesterday. She is very, very weak and she doesn't look good. Her skin is yellowing and her bilirubin is climbing. Her abdomen is hard and huge and she has had no output since the scope began at 2:oo yesterday. Ashley hurts and we are all concerned.

Her surgeon just popped in to check and see if she was any better and since she is not then she has ordered a CT scan of the abdomen. Ashley has also had a jump in her white blood cells this morning which is an indicator of infection. The doctor said it is very possible that when the scope went in yesterday that some bacteria from inside the bowel may have passed into her blood stream. Always a scary situation. Overall Ash is getting sicker and sicker. Her organs are not happy. At this time she is stable. She is breathing well despite her cough and congestion and her heart rate and respiration rates are ok(not great, but ok). I am thankful for these things today.

She has no energy, but she still stays awake. She looks so very tired and scared. It is a very sad and lonely day in our room. I continue to kiss her and sing to her and just let her know that I am close to her. She is frail and tiny and weak.

I've been thinking a lot about the passage in the Bible that tells of the day when Jesus was in a crowd of people and a women reached out to touch the hem of His garment. Immediately He knew He had been touched and He asked who had touched Him. Do you remember that story? It was her faith that comes to mind. She knew that if she could just touch Him it would be enough to make her whole. I find myself wishing that I could just get a hold of His hem, and then wondering if my faith would be strong enough to make my Ashley whole. I prayed a lot last night and cried as I asked for my faith and my belief to be more real. So real that I never lay awake and wonder if I have enough for her. It is a struggle. To have that kind of faith to know that if He would make her whole that He could. I need that faith today. I finally stopped praying and just held my little Bible as close to my heart as I could last night and then eventually drifted off to sleep. I don't know if it helped, but it made me feel closer to Him in that moment and I didn't know what else to do.

My heart is hurt and it seems to hurt more and more everyday. I am desperate to see her be made whole, and I am desperate to have enough faith to make it so. If only He would.

35 Comments:

At 1:21 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

......I'm still with you Trish.......praying for your little one to be made whole.......know I love you and precious daughter.

........praying up a storm......

...........Shari.......

 
At 1:35 PM , Blogger Kristi said...

I am sorry that it is a bad day for her. My prayers continue to be with you are your sweet family.

 
At 1:37 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Trish ~ remember sweetie that it isn't our lack of faith that keeps God from doing His will. It is hard as a mom to see our kids hurting and we want to make it all better. When we don't see things happening (or we think we can't see anything.... He is ALWAYS working)it isn't because our faith isn't enough. He paid a high price for you, and for Ashley and if he only worked when our faith was big enough none of us would see Him work. He isn't conditional, He is unconditional. He is working His perfect will in Ashley right now, and I pray that you feel His arms wrapped around you,holding you close, and reassuring you that your love and dependence on Him blesses and honors Him.

 
At 1:37 PM , Anonymous Misty said...

oh trish....I am so sorry you are going through this. You ARE such a strong woman....God chose YOU to be that lil pickles mommy...what an honor!!you can handle this...know that you are not alone!! You have an army of people who love and are praying for you every moment of the day!!! Right now we are hugging you!! Can you feel it Trish? I am so sorry your heart hurts today...so sorry that ash isn't feeling better.....

praying hard for you!!!

 
At 1:43 PM , Blogger Edith said...

Praying

 
At 1:52 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

He will

 
At 1:56 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Trish...I know none of us can know where you are right now as a mom watching your Ash go through this. I try to relate my struggles to yours....in relation to the way God has grown me...by trials. All I can do is pray. I ask God to lead me to a place in the Bible ...each time after I pray. I rest....I try to clear my mind & I ask HIM to show me the way to what HE wants me to hear. He never fails me. When I pray ....he leads me to a place that always gives me the answers I need. Let the Holy Spirit speak to your heart & lead you through the pages of His word. I pray He gives you the answers you need. I pray for comfort....peace....healing.....so many things for you & your family. Lifting you up sweet Trish. You are an amazing woman...with an awesome testimony. God is faithful.....Many Hugs...& prayer...
S.S. Longview

 
At 2:01 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, He has and He will...through our united prayers sent up through this blog. Praying...

 
At 2:42 PM , Blogger Sun said...

Oh my goodness my heart hurts for you. I am praying - much love and prayers - Sunshine

 
At 2:44 PM , Blogger Sandy said...

Trish I am praying for you and Ashley!!!

 
At 2:53 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Praying, always. God Keep.

 
At 3:09 PM , Blogger Paulette said...

I too am here Trish, lifting you up in much much prayer. I called and had Ashley put on our 24 hour prayer chain. Someone at any given time is lifting her up in prayer.
I know that God see's what this precious baby is going through. I often wonder why, and know I won't know this side of heaven, but I do know that my faith tells me God is in charge and in control and he hears us when we cry out to him.
I am trusting that for Ashley as well, that the Dr's can also use the amazing gifts they have been given and restore Ashley to full health. I will not settle for any less.
Blessings to you Trish and Dave, Blake and Alley.

 
At 3:10 PM , Anonymous deanna buchanan said...

We all want to see Him to a miracle in her little life, AGAIN, and heal her. You already have faith that He can heal her. There's no doubt about that. The question is, do you have the faith to really trust Him if He chooses to take her from you? I want you to know that I am saying this in love. My heart aches for you. Maybe you need to come to a place where you are ok with Him leaving her here with you, OR with Him taking her home to be with Him, before He will work that miracle. I had to come to a place with Kali where I had to realize that if her tumor took her life, that for those of us who believe, it is a beautiful thing for our children to not suffer, to be in the presence of the ALMIGHTY, to not have to endure a life of struggling against our sinful flesh, to never have to experience pain again. Trish, I know we don't know each other well,but please understand my heart. HE CAN do a miracle. I believe that with all my heart. I am praying desperately for a miracle. We want your family to be together again, ALL OF YOU. But maybe Ashley is tired of struggling. I pray with all my heart that you will not have to face the worst. But if you do, HE will always be with you, to carry you through, to give you strength, and even to rejoice in that He knows what's best. My prayer for you today is peace. Peace in whatever lies ahead. Peace with His decision for her precious life. Peace with Him because He loves you and in spite of everything is working ALL things for your good. I am also praying that you will allow the Holy Spirit to continue to teach you about his ministry of comfort. May you experience his comfort in your mind and in your heart today. May you feel His love and tender care, no matter what lies ahead. May your faith be stronger than the deep deep love you have for your daughter. God Bless you, and keep you. May His face shine upon you.

 
At 3:11 PM , Blogger Carey said...

Im praying her day get better.

 
At 3:28 PM , Blogger emily said...

O holy Father, heavenly Physician of our souls and bodies, who sent Your Son, our Lord, Jesus Christ to heal all our ailments and deliver us from death: visit and heal little Ashley, granting her release from pain and restoration to health and vitality. Blessed is Your holy Name, of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit: now and ever, and unto ages of ages. Amen.

 
At 4:07 PM , Blogger Elizabeth S said...

I am so sorry you and Ash and the rest of your family are in this situation. I pray for healing, comfort, peace and rest. Your faith shows even if you can't feel it. Praying...

 
At 4:34 PM , Blogger ManyBlessings said...

"I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears." Psalm 34:4

Psalm 77

"I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.

When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted.

I remembered you, O God, and I groaned; I mused, and my spirit grew faint.

Selah

You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.

I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;

I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart mused and my spirit inquired:

"Will the Lord reject forever?

Will he never show his favor again?

Has his unfailing love vanished forever?

Has his promise failed for all time?

Has God forgotten to be merciful?

Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"

Selah

Then I thought, "To this I will appeal:the years of the right hand of the Most High."

I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.

I will meditate on all your works
and consider all your mighty deeds.

Your ways, O God, are holy.
What god is so great as our God?

You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples"

Praying for you as you walk through the valley...

d

 
At 4:48 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Trish~ my heart is broken for your family. I am praying constantly praying! (((hugs))) ~Chan~

 
At 4:50 PM , Blogger Amy T said...

Praying for you and hoping the day showed a turn around after you wrote this post. If not, then praying that God comforts you and makes Ashley feel better soon. God be with you so strongly that his presence can not be missed!

 
At 5:23 PM , Anonymous becky said...

Dear Trish,

Please know we are all lifting Ashley and your entire family to the throne of grace. He loves you so and sees and hears everything single need and every single prayer. Oh how I pray that you feel the power of all of our intercessions and that you'll experience His peace, power, and presence as you never have before. Thank you for keeping us posted and allowing us the blessing of praying for your sweet family.

 
At 6:28 PM , Blogger Baby John's Crib said...

Ashley and your family are in my prayers.

 
At 6:55 PM , Blogger Kelly Methvin said...

My mothers' heart is very full for you,Trish.You are so strong.I am praying without ceasing and mine have wings for Ashley Kate. He is there. Blessings and love for Ash, you,Dave,Blake,and Alli.Blessings.

 
At 6:56 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Praying, praying, praying... for Ashley, you and your family, and for her doctors and nurses. Thank you for keeping us updated. Take care and God's blessings to you all.

Prayers,
Gina in KY

 
At 7:11 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Trish - I went back and read the last couple of days and also read the comments to your post about not feeling right about the med they were going to give your sweet little girl. I got so mad reading some of those post!

The very last thing you need is to hear ANYTHING but supportive, positive feedback at this time. You do not need to listen or even read the post from thsoe that carry even a HINT of ugliness to them. I am so very sorry there are some that are so insesitive to your feelings. NO ONE has been in YOUR shoes are has mothered YOUR little girl. Trish, God gives us mommies an instict - I believe it to be innate- that tells us what is right and what is wrong for OUR children. As far as medicine goes - I have recently heard it said that they are not a "one size fits all." Meds that may work for one don't always work for everyone. YOU are Ashley's advocate and God gives your heart an uneasiness for a reason. You listen to that and you do what you think is right for your daughter. There are too many people on here that support you and this journey you're on. You don't need to read ANYTHING that is not uplifting, supportive, understanding, sympathetic or filled with love.

I pray that God would give me the type of faith that you have. I pray for you and your family and reading what your heart pours out, makes me want to be a better mommy to little one. My life and my son's life has been blessed because of you and because of Ashley. You remember that!

God is being bombarded with prayer on Ashley's behalf and your behalf. You are an inspiration!

With love in Christ,
Amy

 
At 7:45 PM , Anonymous Molly said...

Dear precious Trish,
Dear Father I come to you on behalf of my sister, her dear husband and darling children, please continue to give them the strength they need. I thank you for Ashley, bring back her precious smile and laughter. Heal her and make her well. Continue to give them the faith that only comes from you, the comfort that only comes from you and the peace that only you can give.
I ask this in the precious name of Jesus. Amen
MN

 
At 8:11 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Praying for ashley and your family. Your strength is encouraging to me.

 
At 8:17 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO MATTHEW
Chapter 8
2 And, behold, there came a leper and worshipped him, saying,

Lord, if thou wilt, thou canst make me clean.

3 And Jesus put forth his hand, and touched him, saying,

I will; be thou clean.

And immediately his leprosy was cleansed.


MARK
Chapter 1
40 And there came a leper to him, beseeching him, and kneeling down to him, and saying unto him,

If thou wilt, thou canst make me clean.

41 And Jesus, moved with compassion, put forth his hand, and touched him, and saith unto him,

I will; be thou clean.


LUKE
Chapter 5
12 And it came to pass, when he was in a certain city, behold a man full of leprosy: who seeing Jesus fell on his face, and besought him, saying,

Lord, if thou wilt, thou canst make me clean.

13 And he put forth his hand, and touched him, saying,

I will: be thou clean.

And immediately the leprosy departed from him.

(Joyce H)

 
At 8:27 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

All I can say is that I am so sorry you have to go through all of this. I am praying tonight...

 
At 8:32 PM , Blogger April said...

I am praying for you and Ashley and your family.

 
At 8:44 PM , Blogger jtcosby said...

I've got it linked on my blog...hopefully we can get a gazillion more people praying! :) If a gazillion people read my blog, ha! But seriously, those people know people who know people. We are goign to get this EVERYWHERE!!!!!!! Love and Prayers,
Tamara

 
At 8:58 PM , Blogger Gretchen said...

Trish, I pray His comfort and joy in the midst of this pain. For all of you.

 
At 9:36 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I pray that you are able to find a peace that passes all understanding and that you find comfort knowing he sees every tear and knows every need. We love you and don't even know you!

Mistie

 
At 9:36 PM , Blogger Connie said...

Praying. I wish I could do something more tangible. But I will pray. He is able to do exceedingly more than we can ask or imagine...

 
At 9:38 PM , Blogger Barbie@ Mamaology said...

I am praying for you Trish.

 
At 9:59 PM , Blogger cindy/barron said...

Hi Trish, praying that God will make Ashley whole so she can feel better. I hope this doesnt upset anyone because i ask but would you please pray for my daughter who is trying to get pregnant and having a hard time and wanting a baby so bad.

 

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