Bitter Sweet Blessing

How do I even begin to unfold all that my heart is holding on to today. I struggle as I try and work through the emotions. I have been thinking a lot about this day lately. It started a few weeks ago as I would be reminded of our sweet friend's anniversaries. One by one they came to pass and I would smile a smile of happiness and say a prayer of thanksgiving as they made it to the 1 year milestone. Happy, "healthy", and home. I would remind myself that we too were almost there. I began to count down the days and make the plans of how we would celebrate sweet Ashley Kate's anniversary knowing that whatever I decided on would become tradition for our family. While planning our celebration I could not forget the ones who were also approaching that 1 year anniversary and how my heart hurt each time I realized theirs would not be one of celebration but of heartache. How could I ensure that our sweet Ashley would never forget to remember the one who gave her so much?

The last two years have been painful for us. There is no denying how deeply our hearts have ached as our Ashley has fought for life. There have been many days when it felt as though I would not survive the pain of watching her struggle. I thought to myself, "Nothing could hurt more than this." To see her slipping farther and farther away from us was excruciating. I do not exaggerate when using that word. Then one year ago today, September 26, 2006, the telephone rang early in the morning and I learned that yes there is something more painful than watching your child suffer. Watching you child die. In the midst of the most unimaginable pain there was a family who was hurting more than I. There was a mommy whose heart ached with a pain deeper than mine. There was a mommy who knew what it felt like to watch your child teeter between life and death and during that hour she thought of me. She thought of my Ashley.

How do I explain how it feels to know that my child lives because hers did not. The emotions are so very complex. Bitter and sweet at the same time. I kiss my Ashley's forehead on her good days and on her bad, but this mommy will never kiss the sweet forehead of her child ever again. The joy I feel for my Ashley is mingled with the sting I feel for her.

A year later I look back over the many,many struggles (even now as I listen to her cry with each movement of her body we are in the middle of one), but I also have the privilege of looking back over the many, many joys. Many smiles. Many giggles. Many kisses. Many triumphs. Many gifts. All given to me because another mommy's heart was large enough to look past her pain and imagine mine. How do you say thank you for that? I hope that someday I will know.

I have no idea who gave us this gift, and the reality is that I may never know. Regardless of that detail I can say that I love her for thinking of me and my sweet Ashley Kate on what had to be the hardest day of her life. Forever I will be humbled. Forever I will be blessed. Forever I will be grateful. You gave us the gift of time and I pray that I never take that for granted. With all my love I thank you today and I pray for His peace to surround you as you remember your child. I have not forgotten. Bitter sweet was the gift you blessed me with. Bitter knowing how much you lost, but sweet because of how much you gave. May our God bless you.