Ashley's Story

She will leave fingerprints all over your heart

9/28/2007

Planned

"I know things did not go the way we had planned, but shes still with us and thats more than it could have been." Dave met a mom tonight who lost her child two months ago. In that brief moment he began to count how very blessed we are.

Its not the way we had planned. Its better. For years and years I literally dreamed of this child. I would wake in the mornings longing for her and missing her. I would imagine her and what she would add to our lives. I made plans for our family. I envisioned Blake and Allie loving her. I asked for her. I wanted her. I needed her.

Not one time did I ever picture our sweet baby struggling. The thought never crossed my mind. Sick? No. Fragile? No. NICU? No. Terminal Illness? No. Transplant? No. PICU? No. Not only did I never imagine any of these things, but I also never imagined this:

A renewed faith.

A joy that is indescribable.

A community of support surrounding us from all across the country.

A deeper appreciation for my husband.

A connection to other mommy's who walk this path.

A love so deep that I would give my all for.

A beauty so sweet that it brings tears to my eyes.

A stack of miracles.

A relationship with the Father that could ease the pain of loss and give me hope.


No, Ashley's life is not going the way we had planned. It is going the way that He has planned. Although there are days that hurt , there are also days that don't. I wouldn't change one thing that we have done over the past two years. It has all been worth it. To know my sweet Ashley Kate even if it had only been for a moment would have been worth it. I would walk through this and much, much more for any one of my children if that is what it took to be given the opportunity to love them. I don't feel sorry for us. I feel blessed.

It has been a rough day for Ash. She is tiny and weak today. She struggles as her body sorts out this episode of rejection and all the complications of it. Her bilirubin is climbing and her eyes have a yellow tint in the corners. I kiss her cheeks. I rub her feet. I lay my head next to her and pray as the tears fall from my eyes. I love this child and I love being her mom. It didn't go the way we had planned. It is much sweeter.

15 Comments:

At 10:55 PM , Blogger Chuck said...

That's one of the best posts yet Trish. You've grown so much...God's so good. No matter what...God's so good.

 
At 11:08 PM , Blogger Amy T said...

Beautiful post. Keep kissing those cheeks and we'll keep praying.

 
At 11:26 PM , Anonymous christy said...

ok i just got home from the cancer relay for life....and i couldnt' help but think of ashley as i was there and as the bags were being lit!! it is such a blessing she at least kicked cancer!! i said a prayer of grateful praise for that triumph in ashley's journey!! and i'm expecting to pray another prayer of grateful praise soon for the coming triumphs!! God is good and your heart is so precious!! thank you for sharing with us!

 
At 11:27 PM , Anonymous lori said...

What a beautiful post! You are such an inspiration. Keep the faith!

Hope you all can get some rest tonight. Keeping you in our thoughts and prayers!

Hugs,
Lori

 
At 11:36 PM , Anonymous Sharon said...

Wow!! That was a moving and beautiful post. You are a remarkable lady. Just keep believing for a miracle. Jesus is the Divine Healer.
Many prayers are going up for you and your sweet family.
Sharon

 
At 11:45 PM , Anonymous Suzanne said...

Trish....what a road you have been down.....but HE paved every inch of it. God isn't finished yet. I too just returned from the Cancer Relay....& as I walked I talked to God about my family members that have died from this aweful disease.....& I PRAISED HIM that sweet Ashley ....that HE ....allowed her to be healed from it. I am boldly presenting my requests to HIM for Ashley's organs to be o.k. from all of this.....& that rejection will not be something that gets to the point of destroying the wonderful organs that another family gave her...as a result of their loss. (I have no knowledge base about transplantation & rejection & what it means in Ashley's case)....I am asking GOD for her to return to this spunky ...opinionated....happy baby that can once again return home with her siblings....& her home. Lifting you up to HIM.... Hugs.... (You are often in my thoughts & daily in our prayers...)

 
At 1:04 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Beautiful Trish! Your words and strength touch my heart. God is good and he knew all about Ash long ago. Ptaying . . .

Chan

 
At 6:22 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

so beautiful...your post touched me so much...i am praying...

 
At 7:22 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Trish,

I agree completely with all the others who have been touched and awed by your post. Your thoughts and words are beautiful. When Ashley reads this as a young child, and later as a young woman, and one day a mom -- she will be touched as well.

M

 
At 7:29 AM , Blogger ManyBlessings said...

Beautiful Trish. And I agree.
d

 
At 8:03 AM , Blogger Elizabeth S said...

What a beautiful post! Thank you for sharing it with me. Praying for you...

 
At 8:40 AM , Blogger Joyful Days said...

((((Still offering prayer.))))

 
At 8:50 AM , Blogger Fiffer said...

Oh sweet Trish, your words are so beautiful. I can barely see the computer screen as the tears fall down my cheeks. I will print this post out as a "keeper" for times in my life when I am walking through a valley. God is using your family more than you will ever know. Thank you for allowing Him to! My prayers continue...

Love, Martha

 
At 10:26 AM , Blogger Sun said...

WOW - completely blown away by this post! God is SO amazing - He is so evident in you - your words, your heart...bless your sweet, sweet heart and we will continue praying for Ashley!

 
At 10:50 AM , Anonymous Grandma said...

I love you, Trish and Ashley Kate! Chuck is so right - GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME! Grandma

 

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