Ashley's Story

She will leave fingerprints all over your heart

12/15/2007

Paranoia

I used to be a little more relaxed, a little more laid back(Dave is surely choking on that sentence), before our sweet Ashley Kate was born. Now, not so much. The littlest changes in her condition make me crazy. Things like feeling her skin each time I check on her just to be sure there is no temp. Listening to her breathe as she sleeps. Counting her respirations. Taking her pulse. Just giving her the once over, checking all vitals each and every time I approach her crib. She's used to it. She usually sleeps right through my check ups. Every once in a while she will swing her arm at me or grunt and shake her head no in protest. Tonight I laid her down around 8:00. By 9:00 I was in checking on her. When I felt her head and neck the paranoia began. I thought she felt too warm. So, take her temperature is what you are thinking, right? Me too, except for the fact that I left her thermometer at the clinic on Thursday and no one has seen it since. So, I try to reason with myself. Its probably nothing. She's probably fine, but we have both had a tough day with our colds that won't go away. Paranoia. Its here. I need a blood culture. What? How many mom's out there automatically come to that conclusion based on the warmth of there baby's skin? Let me defend myself. She has a central line. She has been sick for a week with a nasty cold. We are literally 2 days away from moving back home. I NEED to know if something is brewing. So, I reluctantly call the coordinator. "Whats her temp?" Well, I don't know because I left.....yada, yada, yada. "OK, let me call the treatment center and see if you can borrow a thermometer." She calls back, "No way they said. You have to bring her down there and then if she has a temp they will call the resident and they will decide what to do." Paranoia, here we go. I am almost in tears because I know that if we have a temp and if a resident is called then we are being admitted tonight. So I wake up my sleeping baby who is ready to go "Bye, Bye" immediately because she has been locked up in this room for days. Its a party in our p.j.s she is thinking. Clapping and waving "bye, bye" to each and every door we pass in the hallways. She is cracking me up with her stuffy nose, rosy cheeks and sleepy eyes. Then we enter the treatment center and the smiles fade and the crying begins. The look of betrayal comes across that sweet face and her eyes are accusing me of awful things. You would have thought the thermometer was a giant needle by the reaction she gave to it being placed under her arm. Blood pressure? Off the charts from her screaming. Finally the thermometer beeps. 98.5. She is fine. Can you spell the word paranoid? I feel ridiculous as I listen to her as she struggles to go back to sleep. Hopefully she will forgive me some day for all of this nonsense I put her through. No need for blood cultures. At least not today. I'm still waiting on the coordinator to call me back so I can ask her forgiveness for interrupting her evening. I used to be so laid back, right Dave?

Two more days. I'm really struggling. We feel lousy and knowing we are so close to leaving, but still awaiting a final decisions is making me crazy. Neither one of us seem to be getting better. We can't breathe and our cough is nasty sounding. I hope we are getting over it, and I hope we are on our way home. I would like to think that my paranoia will cease once we get back home, but in reality it will probably only become worse. Hope you are all resting peacefully and breathing easily as you lay you heads down tonight. Goodnight and God bless. Trish

26 Comments:

At 10:56 PM , Blogger Belle said...

Trish --
I would've done the same thing! I know it made you feel better to actually see that 98.5 on the thermometer. I hope and pray you both feel better and that you do get to go home. Home always makes us feel better.

Praying for you,
Belle

 
At 10:57 PM , Blogger Michelle said...

Oh I pray sweet rest, sleep and healing tonight for you both! Continued prayers that you all are "homeward bound"!!!! God Bless you girls!

You are loved in Tulsa!
Michelle

 
At 11:12 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would have done it too!!! Try putting vicks on your feet with socks. It really really works to open your nose and keep coughing away!!!!!! My mom suggested it and I kind of said ok, sure... then as a last resort I tried it and both my girls slept all night with little if any coughing!!! Saline spray also works GREAT...dries that mucus right up!!! Get well so you can GO HOME!!!!
Kori

 
At 11:28 PM , Anonymous Janiece Baldwin said...

With all you and little Ashley have been through no wonder you have paranoia! Who wouldn't?? And I'm sure, in all reality, Ashley is used to it all, now.

Trusting God to get you through these tough times and bring you both safely back home.
Love and prayers Janiece

 
At 11:36 PM , Blogger Candy said...

Vicks on the feet really does work. Praying for you to go home for Christmas and for good. Just keep thinking good thoughts, and know that so many are praying for you and Ash to go home. God loves you, sleep well.

 
At 12:18 AM , Blogger Alicia said...

Bless your heart, sweetie. Colds seem to last forever. I'm praying that yours (and Ash's) is over soon.

 
At 12:35 AM , Blogger Dee Dee said...

Praying....

 
At 12:59 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I understand being paranoid. . .I am glad that that is all it was. We are all praying you and Ash to be home soon. I can't wait to hear about your wonderful Christmas. (((hugs))) Chan

 
At 1:00 AM , Blogger Lisa said...

The whole time I was reading this, I couldn't wait to hear if she did have a temp. Praise the Lord! He is working on your behalf, Trish. I would love to hear how Ash is handling the increased fluids in the tube. I can totally understand your "paranoia" and I know I would be the same way. I am rejoicing with you in the little steps toward home, and pray for the big step on Monday!!! Can't wait to hear! My Christmas will be more enjoyable knowing you are enjoying yours at home with the ones you love. Praying for your colds to clear up, for decreasing stool output, mercy on the part of the docs, and much encouragement for you and Ash.

Lots of Love,
Lisa R.
(an RN from Bethlehem, PA)

 
At 2:32 AM , Anonymous Lori said...

Just woke up and thought I'd check on you. I am so glad that Ashley did not have a fever. Please know that we are praying for you and hoping that you will be able to go home. God bless!
Love and hugs,
Lori

 
At 2:46 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well Trish, I think you have very good reason to feel the way you feel!!! My goodness you have been through so much! I am praying praying praying ya'll all the way home for Christmas and to STAY!!! Try not to worry...wow that's easier said than done right? Well, I pray that you both have a restful & peaceful night and next few days!!
Always praying
May God Bless you all
~Okla

 
At 2:48 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

P.S.
I'm also secretly praying you get a camera for Christmas! LOL Sure do miss seeing those beautiful pictures!
hehe

~Okla

 
At 3:36 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was up and thought I would check on you guys, your post made me smile. (sorry, my husband calls me "Captain Paranoia") I hope you guys are resting, still praying.
Beth

 
At 5:21 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Trish, Praying that the new day has you and Ashley feeling better. I too would have done the same thing you did, it's a mom's instinct. I'm sure all is forgiven. Praying for you both to feel better and that you get to head home on Monday. God Bless..Karen

 
At 7:21 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe this was God's way of showing them how committed you would be to the slightest red flag overthe decorations and the singing if you had to be. Maybe this was His way of tipping their minds in your favor. :) I hope so. And I hope you are both feeling better very soon.

Nikki

 
At 7:29 AM , Blogger Connie said...

Hang in there! You are doing a great job at a very difficult task. God knew you would be a great Mommy for Ashley. I'm praying for you!

 
At 8:46 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I often think it must be the job of a mother to be paranoid........and you have reason to be, even more so than most of us!
Praying that today brings improvement in your colds- at least enough to make you (and the doctors) feel more comfortable in sending you home.
Megan

 
At 9:06 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Trish,

I can totally relate to the whole paranoia thing. We are the ones who measure poop by the ounce, remember?! Your viruses are actually running the proper course. You have been too cooped up to see that many, MANY people have the very same thing. My own kid has had hers since Thanksgiving. The greatest thing is you guys getting good rest. I know you girls will be fine, and on your way home soon!
M.

 
At 9:49 AM , Blogger Gretchen said...

Let's just call it: vigilance. :)

After all, you've had to be a detective for so long. Who could blame you for caring so much for this baby?

Prayers for both of you to feel better soon and for the Christmas gift we all want you to receive to arrive in the form of awesome news on Monday.

 
At 9:50 AM , Blogger Sun said...

we are praying. Sunshine

 
At 11:14 AM , Blogger Laurie said...

I think I have the same cold you girls do and it is nasty. I am praying for you to be feeling better really soon and I would have done the very same thing you did Trish. Hope you got great rest last night and praying for wonderful results and news for tomorrow. Praying you home.

Laurie in Ca.

 
At 12:04 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Praying for both your healing!!! & a speedy recovery & HOME... HOME... HOME!!! :)

 
At 12:44 PM , Anonymous Kathleen said...

I can see myself doing the exact same thing in your situation! Praise Him that her temp was normal! Will keep praying!

 
At 1:27 PM , Blogger CrownLaidDown said...

Praying rest over you: mind, body and spirit. Praying healing and blessing and miracles.
Love,
Holly

 
At 1:36 PM , Blogger Krista said...

Trish: dont feel bad...I have not been through what you are going through and I STILL do that! Its called "being a Mommy"!!

 
At 2:11 PM , Anonymous Molly said...

oh honey that Mommy radar of yours will always be on. That's what makes you a good Mom!
I am still praying to see the words OUT OF HERE!!!

Love you and praying for you to have extra peace and patience (I know dangerous prayer!) for the next two days.

Keep that Mommy radar on just turn it down to medium high. :)

 

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