Wisdom and Understanding

...better is it to gain wisdom rather than gold and to choose understanding over silver.
Proverbs 16:16

I may never have any of the above, but I can honestly say that I would choose wisdom and understanding over all the riches of the world. Of course the silver and gold would make this time in our lives a little easier, but to have wisdom as we make tough decisions for our sweet Ashley Kate and our family would bring peace to my heart. To have any amount of understanding at this time in her life would surely bring peace. To have the ability to explain His plan for Ash to Blake and Allie on the tough days and to help them understand would be a huge help. To be honest Dave and I are confused about the course of Ashley's life so how do we help our children understand when we don't understand ourselves. It's easy for us to say that we believe God has a plan for her life, but how do I convince a heartbroken nine year old or a protective twelve year old? We are adults and our faith trembles during the hard times. Surely their young hearts question.

Blake and Al approach Ash and her disabilities and struggles very differently. Blake is her protector as he should be. We don't discuss her therapy, her handicaps, her delays in front of him. It causes him to become very defensive. He does not want anyone to focus on what she can't do, but rather he reminds us all that she is loved exactly as she is. She is enough for him and my heart loves him for that. Allison Brooke cries and cries over the things that Ash doesn't do. Especially at night. When she sees other babies crawling or walking it makes her sad. When she hears her friends talk about their little brothers and sisters she gets sad. She doesn't understand why Ashley Kate can't do those things. "Just teach her mommy." I don't blame her for not getting it. Dave and I don't get it either. We work just as hard with Ash as other parents do with their special needs children, and we will keep working with her. Understanding? There is none.

All I know to do is cling to my belief that the Father has a plan. Even without wisdom and understanding, silver and gold, I know that God created Ashley Kate just as she is. He gave her life not once, but twice and that reassures me that He is working. Ash amazes me daily. I see His wonderful works each time I look at her. She reminds me of His goodness.

Allie is missing Ash tonight. She is sad that she can't hold her and that brought on a flood of questions and tears. I want to bring Ashley Kate home to her for Christmas. I want her to have the opportunity to hold her as much and as long as she would like. I think it would do her heart good. I hope tomorrows appointment brings us good news. Dave and I desperately want our family to be back together. We all need that. Tonight my sister reminded me, "He hears our prayers, Trish. Just keep praying. He is listening." I pray we are headed home soon.