Ashley's Story

She will leave fingerprints all over your heart

12/07/2007

I wonder if He missed Him?

Last night I lay awake just wondering. I miss the kids. I miss them more after spending those wonderful, normal, brief days with them last week than I did before I went. Funny, because I didn't think it was possible to miss them more than I already had. They have had a tough couple of nights. I knew they would. When I talk to them on the phone I can tell they miss us too.

After telling them good night I lay in the bed here in our room and prayed to go home. I want to really go home. I asked yesterday if we could go back this week and return for our appointment next Thursday. "No", was the reply I received. "I really want to be home for Christmas," I told our doctor. "Wouldn't we all like for that to happen?" he replied. I'm not sure if that was a positive or negative response? Anyway, I will keep asking. Thats my mission. Ask until they agree again. Ashley was SO funny at yesterdays appointment. She was smiling and clapping in her stroller as nurses, coordinators, and nutritionists filed into the room. All was good. She looked fabulous in her snowman outfit from gymboree(complete with almost the cutest shoes you have ever seen. I think her pink, cupcake shoes are a little cuter) and her big hair bow. Then he walked in. Right out of the OR with his green scrubs and surgical cap on. Our sweet Ashley took one look at him and lost it. She began to cry and hide her eyes. She shook her head, "No, no, no" over and over again. She pulled her hair and reached for me to save her. It was sad to see her reaction, but the rest of the staff got a laugh out of it. I tried to reassure Dr. B. that it wasn't personal and he just said she had every right to react that way. He didn't blame her one bit. As soon as he left she was happy again. He cancelled her biopsy today and said he would like to wait a few days and see if her output continued to trend down. Yesterdays went back up a little. They are still concerned about her level of immunosuppression. It remains too low for protection of her organs so we are adjusting her meds once again. If you are familiar with transplant then you understand how tricky it can be. Too little means rejection, too much means toxicity.

So as I laid in bed last night my heart was broken over the separation of our family. I wondered if the Father missed the Son that Christmas day when he left to be born for our salvation? Surely Heaven must have seemed so empty to have Him gone? I tried to imagine the understanding the Father must have for the pain in my heart. I prayed over and over again that he would intervene and bring us back together. He is the only One that can make it happen. I asked Him to please let Ash come home for good. No more scary, uncertain days. Please give us a long, normal stretch of life. I agree with Blake. Ash doesn't need to walk or talk or be perfect and normal. She just needs to come home. We love her enough to make up for the rest. If it is His will, then I believe He will make it happen. If it is not then I believe He will HAVE to strengthen our hearts because we hurt. He will HAVE to grant us more endurance and more special days together that will make the pain of the separation pale in comparison. My kids are amazing. All 3 of them have a strength that is unable to be explained, this is hard. Its the hardest thing I've ever done. I love these children with a love so strong that it is almost a tangible thing. I feel as though you can touch it. It is that real to me. There is nothing I would not do or endure for any of my children and it is because I feel that strongly for them that I know He is working behind the scenes in our family. He loves us more than I love Blake, Allison, and Ashley Kate. He must have a magnificent plan in mind! I hope that plan includes the most special of Christmas days for our children. I hope we are all together in that little yellow house we call home.


Well, my little one is stirring and it is time for morning meds. I would like to share that her output over the last 12 hours was the lowest it has been since we began her feedings again. That is a praise and I am praying it remains low for the next 12 as well. Wouldn't it be amazing if she turned around this week and they sent us home for good next Thursday? Thank you for praying for us during this busy season. More than anything I wish for you and your families to experience peace during the holiday. It is the most amazing feeling to know that He was born with a love for us already deep inside His heart. The Father loved us enough to miss His own son in order to know us. That brings my heart peace. Have a blessed day. I love you guys. Trish

13 Comments:

At 9:14 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a blessing it has been to read about your journey to Longview for a brief time. Your children have become such a part of our family (you and Dave also). We pray for you and ask the same request of our Father....let Ashley Kate go home to Longview with her mommy and live her life with her mommy, daddy, Blake, Alli and all those wonderful grandparents. That is not too much to ask of Him. Praying for you today Ashley and hoping that it is a day full of joy and good health.

 
At 11:08 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Such a tugging of emotions! What a beautiful post!! Trish I am always praying! I pray today that Ashley may show everyone that she can go home! That you are both able to rejoin your family in Texas very soon!! You both needed this so much!!! I am praying for your continued peace of mind and STRENGTH to pull you both through this...I know Dave is the backbone of the family...but a mothers job is never done! No matter what! We seem to have been given that 24/7 job. ;o) Hang in there Trish. I pray pray pray for you both...for you all. I would also like to say Thank you very much for taking the time to pray for us!! That is very sweet of you! May God continue to bless you and your family and take the pain of your separation away from all of you! It is so good to hear that Ashley's "spunk" is back! I pray that she stays "spunky"!
~Okla

 
At 11:14 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Trish - I am so glad you made it back safely. I am so thrilled you had such a great time with your family. I think that is the "medicine" you all needed.

On your other thoughts: yes, I do believe that God's heart was crushed when He had to say goodbye to His Son but it was only for a short period. For He had a much greater plan in mind.

I think of the book of Job. All Job went through and all those that wanted him to turn his back on God. But he didn't. In the end, because he remained faithful, he was blessed more than he was before Satan attacked.

I believe the same to be true with you. You are suffering now but because you are so faithful to our Lord, I believe He will bless you even more when you leave than before you came to the hospital with your baby. I truly believe that.

Stay the course! One day - God will bless you more than you could ever imagine!

I still have all the hope and faith that God will honor your wishes and allow you home for Christmas.

In Christ-
Amy and Kyle

 
At 12:43 PM , Anonymous dee buchanan said...

Praying with all our hearts that you get your Christmas wish, completely and fully. Not home for a few days, but for good. Your posts are such an encouragement to my heart. It would really be a life changing thing if we all could really wrap our minds around the thought of how much God really, really loves us, and how little we really deserve that love. His grace truly is amazing! Praying that no matter where you end up over the next few weeks, you will see His love and grace at work.

 
At 1:20 PM , Blogger Michelle J said...

Trish, i cannot imagine what you are going through! It hurts me to know little Ashley is not in her loving home, where she belongs. I sure do hope the docs let you and Ash go home for good next week! Your posts are very inspiring to me! Love you!
Michelle

 
At 1:40 PM , Blogger Sun said...

Hey Trish! I hope you got my package - I mailed it a while ago and it should have been in Texas when you got there...it wasn't anything too huge...just something to let you know you stay on my heart! I watched the Nativity Story the other night and was blown away by how hard it was for Mary and Joseph in some ways to carry the greatest gift God has ever bestowed upon us...but I never stopped to think of how much He must have missed His Son. How much all of heaven missed Him...thank you for writing such an amazing reminder. We will continue in prayer - Sunshine

 
At 2:13 PM , Blogger Laurie said...

Trish,

That is exactly what I am praying for, that Ashley does a complete turn around and that there is no rejection, proving to all that home is her best medicine. Asking for the right dose of medicine to level her out and for you heading home for Christmas and for good. Spunky is a great place for her to be at and laughed through tears at her reaction to the doctor. Praying for your heart to settle in after the few days of being a whole family in that little yellow house. Keep HOPE
high Trish as I am sure that most of us out here are praying you home
for good, hoping your hope. You are all still together in your hearts.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

 
At 2:52 PM , Blogger Haylee Gabrielle said...

we're praying Ashley Kate home for Christmas!

you always seem to say the right things to put things into perspective in my life. you may not believe so, but this story is helping SO many others. God has a plan for everything and it's perfect.

blessings,
melissa

 
At 5:07 PM , Blogger Paulette said...

Well that is my christmas prayer for your family, that you will be allowed to go home for Christmas. I cannot see them not letting that happen if she does not get worse, as you were just home for Thanksgiving??
SO that is my prayer for all of you.
This was a beautiful heartfelt post.
Blessings

 
At 8:53 PM , Anonymous Janiece Baldwin said...

If the doctor was asking,"Wouldn't we all like for that to happen?" before they let her go. How many need to agree on this before he will let her go?? I'm sure there are several hundred right here who totally agree, so the answer is YES!!we want it to happen.
Wish is were that simple. But God knows how many are praying and He hears our prayers so I am praying that Christmas, at home, in Longview is the will of God for you and Ashley. Dear Lord, let it happen. We thank You for all the blessings and the witness and the testimony of this dear family. It is all for Your honor and glory. Give them the strength, endurance, courage and grace as You reveal Your will.

Love and prayers~~~Janiece

 
At 9:41 PM , Blogger Elizabeth S said...

The strength your family is able to exhibit can be explained because God is giving it to you. You have such an incredible testimony and I thank you for sharing it here. I long for you to be able to go home with that sweet baby girl, but I also know that God is using this in a mighty way. I am praying for your quick return home!

 
At 1:05 PM , Anonymous Prayer Mom said...

To all of the prayers you have listed here, I come into agreement with you in the Name of Jesus. So be it, Lord God.

 
At 2:30 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't thank you enough for sharing your heart with us. God is using it to His glory. I am praying for your family, trusting God to send you and the little gerkhin packing..for home soon.
still praying in central IL

 

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