I wonder if He missed Him?
Last night I lay awake just wondering. I miss the kids. I miss them more after spending those wonderful, normal, brief days with them last week than I did before I went. Funny, because I didn't think it was possible to miss them more than I already had. They have had a tough couple of nights. I knew they would. When I talk to them on the phone I can tell they miss us too.
After telling them good night I lay in the bed here in our room and prayed to go home. I want to really go home. I asked yesterday if we could go back this week and return for our appointment next Thursday. "No", was the reply I received. "I really want to be home for Christmas," I told our doctor. "Wouldn't we all like for that to happen?" he replied. I'm not sure if that was a positive or negative response? Anyway, I will keep asking. Thats my mission. Ask until they agree again. Ashley was SO funny at yesterdays appointment. She was smiling and clapping in her stroller as nurses, coordinators, and nutritionists filed into the room. All was good. She looked fabulous in her snowman outfit from gymboree(complete with almost the cutest shoes you have ever seen. I think her pink, cupcake shoes are a little cuter) and her big hair bow. Then he walked in. Right out of the OR with his green scrubs and surgical cap on. Our sweet Ashley took one look at him and lost it. She began to cry and hide her eyes. She shook her head, "No, no, no" over and over again. She pulled her hair and reached for me to save her. It was sad to see her reaction, but the rest of the staff got a laugh out of it. I tried to reassure Dr. B. that it wasn't personal and he just said she had every right to react that way. He didn't blame her one bit. As soon as he left she was happy again. He cancelled her biopsy today and said he would like to wait a few days and see if her output continued to trend down. Yesterdays went back up a little. They are still concerned about her level of immunosuppression. It remains too low for protection of her organs so we are adjusting her meds once again. If you are familiar with transplant then you understand how tricky it can be. Too little means rejection, too much means toxicity.
So as I laid in bed last night my heart was broken over the separation of our family. I wondered if the Father missed the Son that Christmas day when he left to be born for our salvation? Surely Heaven must have seemed so empty to have Him gone? I tried to imagine the understanding the Father must have for the pain in my heart. I prayed over and over again that he would intervene and bring us back together. He is the only One that can make it happen. I asked Him to please let Ash come home for good. No more scary, uncertain days. Please give us a long, normal stretch of life. I agree with Blake. Ash doesn't need to walk or talk or be perfect and normal. She just needs to come home. We love her enough to make up for the rest. If it is His will, then I believe He will make it happen. If it is not then I believe He will HAVE to strengthen our hearts because we hurt. He will HAVE to grant us more endurance and more special days together that will make the pain of the separation pale in comparison. My kids are amazing. All 3 of them have a strength that is unable to be explained, this is hard. Its the hardest thing I've ever done. I love these children with a love so strong that it is almost a tangible thing. I feel as though you can touch it. It is that real to me. There is nothing I would not do or endure for any of my children and it is because I feel that strongly for them that I know He is working behind the scenes in our family. He loves us more than I love Blake, Allison, and Ashley Kate. He must have a magnificent plan in mind! I hope that plan includes the most special of Christmas days for our children. I hope we are all together in that little yellow house we call home.
Well, my little one is stirring and it is time for morning meds. I would like to share that her output over the last 12 hours was the lowest it has been since we began her feedings again. That is a praise and I am praying it remains low for the next 12 as well. Wouldn't it be amazing if she turned around this week and they sent us home for good next Thursday? Thank you for praying for us during this busy season. More than anything I wish for you and your families to experience peace during the holiday. It is the most amazing feeling to know that He was born with a love for us already deep inside His heart. The Father loved us enough to miss His own son in order to know us. That brings my heart peace. Have a blessed day. I love you guys. Trish